Fudge’s Genius Inventions

Posted: Jun 29, 2009 in Boredom, Fat-nav, Fudgecrumpet, Inventions, Tampogons

I was a bit bored today so I did some inventing… Here is the decidedly mixed bag of concepts…

fully air conditioned sauna. Keeps you nice and cool as you sweat.

moving walkways next to bus stops so people don’t have to run as fast if They’re late.

hover-dogs. Never need taking for a walk, you just tie them to your guttering.

square dvds, therefore eliminating wasted space in the box. (the alternative, round boxes would be silly, as they would just roll off the shelf)

a Twattering Ram. Which is a big log for knocking over idiots.

hi-vis camoflague. Because even if you’re hiding from baddies, you need to obey proper H&S procedure.

cat spanners. For tightening up your cat.

boxboxes. Boxes specifically designed for holding multiple boxes.

Ford Court-ina. A car that also hands out justice.

a bee-bee gun. Enabling you to shoot your enemies then watch them get stung. by bees.

a Fiddler’s Forcefield – a piece of clear plastic to shield your favourite jazz mag from accidental stainage.

a fence fence. A wooden garden barrier that can help you dispose of stolen goods.

Simon The Pocket Tramp. A tramp that you carry around to fight Big Issue sellers.

Fat-nav. Avoids narrow streets and always knows the way to Wimpy.

motor-horse. A horse that has an engine. With 1 horsepower. Saves on carrots.

a Hyper Susan. The same as a lazy susan, but faster.

a mobile landline. a backpack with a wire sticking out of the top like dodgems, connected to the phone network.

Monoproperly. A device that electrocutes anyone who tries to cheat at the Property Trading Game.

Underground Helicopters. For miners who like to hover.

Bumblegum. fruit flavoured chewing gum that makes you clumsy.

Leg-o. Build anything you like. Out of legs

Tattooths. Get your lover’s name permanently engraved on your tooth enamel.

slag-cabbage. A portable vegetable launcher for soiling Sharons.

hamdock. A hammock. Made of haddock

Wheeee Bins. Wheelie Bins designed for racing down hills.

Underwater Corn-on-Cob Scuba Gear. A special mouthpiece that allows divers to eat corn and breathe underwater.

Predictive Talking. A device that saves you from saying whole words, finishing them automagically for you.

Lostbianism. The love between two girls who know the difference between a Charlie and a Sawyer.

tar-macs. A raincoat covered in asphalt. Hard wearing and completely waterproof. And black. (also, would build up your muscles and give you a hard shoulder.)

ink pencils. When you want to use a pencil, but don’t want someone rubbing it out.

Tea-gulls. Tiny birds that fly over your cup of tea, removing any fish or scraps of food.

tampogons, for women on their period who really want to bounce.

Head and Shoulders and Crotch. Because downstairs dandruff can be a problem too…

hot air trampolloon. Lets you jump and bounce at an altitude of 6000 ft.

Poopascoopascoopas. To pick up discarded poopascoopas and prevent litter.

Cold Pants. Basically, hot pants. But with ice down the front.

Biker Protractor. For measuring Hell’s Angles.

Shoe Police. A special department of the police that deals with all aspects of shoe-related crime.

high definition glasses. For people who can’t tell the difference between normal telly and hi-def.

glo-bras. “oh no power cut! missus, get your top off!”

Asdar. A device that can locate a supermarket from up to 200 miles away.

Megan Fog. The ability to obscure your vision when watching Transformers so your missus can’t call you a dirty perve.

haircuds. Getting your hair shortened by cows chewing at your head.

Manchester Untied. Making football more entertaining by banning the players from fastening their shoes.

So, that’s it. All these ideas are copyright me, so if you do want to build them and sell them, then I want money. or toys. or sweets. or a hug.

  1. Hel says:

    I would use the Asdar and the Fat-nav. Also the Twattering ram could come in useful at workx hel x


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