Hello there, just thought i’d say hi and share my wisdom and research with you.
Today i has been researching the lady-thing known as make up.
Make-up was invented (or ‘made up’ chortle) by probably a frenchman, in an effort to make some ugly girl look humpable, in about the year 1532ish. For the sake of argument, let’s call him French Bob.
Using various ingredients gathered from his 16th century inventor’s desk (tipp-ex, red wine, weetabix) he no doubt made a concoction so wonderful that life without painted-up lady-faces would never be heard of again.
TYPES OF MAKE-UP
1. Eye make-up
2. Face make-up
That is all the types of make-up, but for the sake of you men who sit wobbling in the corner every time you stray away from the novelty gift section of Boots, i shall go into greater detail…
1. EYE MAKE-UP
There are three sub-categories of eye make-up…
This is some kind of eyelash paint, held on some kind of inverted brush pen thing. This allows girls to have longer eyelashes, useful for fighting wasps.
There are two fun things about mascara, firstly that if (and possibly when) you make a girl cry, it draws on magical manga cry-lines down their face. Secondly, if they forget to clean it off before bed, it can lead to a girl’s eyelashes sticking together, thus giving them a unique jail-like experience.
Eye-liner is like a pencil to make girl’s eyes look similar to a cartoon character, or perhaps a panda. The pencil itself is useless as an actual writing implement, going all squishy at the first sign of pressure, causing arguments, even though it’s her fault that she tidied up all the pens and left her eye-liner on the top of the fridge.
There is a male equivalent of eye-liner, hilariously called ‘guy-liner’. This is only used by ’emo’ boys (emo meaning ‘pale fan of vampire-themed television’) or droogs from a clockwork orange.
This is a mysterious powder (more on them below) that girls apply to their upper eyelids. Because blue eyelids are a sign of healthiness.
2. FACE MAKE-UP
There’s no real need to sub-categorise face make-up, as it only really consists of powders that stick to a lady’s face, covering up their lumpy face skin, and in the case of blusher, making them look out of breath, like they’ve been on a run or something. Apparently there is some sort of difference between concealer and foundation but I think this is just some sort of marketing scam to make ladies fork out £40 a go for the smallest bottle of brownish liquid in the world.
3. MOUTH MAKE-UP
Lip-liner, Lip-gloss, Lip-stick. These three substances exist to do one thing, and one thing only – to stain men. Apparently by making their lips look more red and pronounced, this makes girls appear more eager to have sex. I find taking your top off works just as well. And is also a lot cheaper…
Anyway, that is my useful guide to all things womanly and make-uppish. I hope you have found it more useful than anything else ever. Which quite clearly it is.