Hello you. My, you’re looking like a crap tramp.
Here, let Uncle Fudge get you up to speed on fashion, style and all that other stuff that you obviously know nothing about.Like all good activities, let’s start at the top and work down…
Hair is good, if you have hair you’re onto a winner. Brown hair is best. I find that my hairstyle is usually at it’s best the week before i’m actually due a haircut. Therefore, to keep your hair is a constant state of awesome, i recommend always having a barber’s appointment booked for next week.
If you’re bald, or you are still worried about the state of your hair, then i recommend a hat. Hats have been around since the late 1980s and offer an alternative to wearing a lady’s knickers on your head. This is apparently no longer considered cool, especially in certain areas of town where an exposed head gusset can provoke many a frown.There are many different types of hat, i shall list my favourites… Now.
Cowboy Hat – good for when you’re hiding in your sofa cushion fort.
Wizard’s Hat – good for wizarding.
Fez – not, despite the current time lord trends, cool. But useful if you need a cereal bowl at short notice.
There are a number of important areas to consider when discussing the face.
Having skin is good, and if you believe the adverts you need buckets of overpriced slop rubbed into it to stay pretty. This is a lie. The only thing that you should be rubbing on your face regularly is a lady’s boobies. Your skin might go blotchy, peel off or whatever it was going to do anyway, but at least you’ll be happy. Or if you’re a gay or a single man, try using a bean bag chair.
A bit of stubble never hurt anyone. Unless you count stubble rash. Moustaches are cool, but only in an ironic ‘i know i look like a pillock’ sense.
Beards vary in coolness, but the general rule is, try not to look like an evil tyrant. So, no Hitler tash, avoid the Ming the Merciless look and so on.
I choose not to accessorise my face, only on rare occasions when I feel the need to see depth do i don a pair of 3d glasses (red & green for retro cool, polarised stereoscopic for joe90 chic). Although doing so does make me wave things in front of my face, so the 3d experience isn’t wasted.
I don’t have any piercings of any kind, but i did get a little bit of metal in my eye once. That bloody hurt.If you do decide to get your tongue pierced, be extremely careful at weddings not to eat any cakes decorated with those little silver balls, as you may become confused and bite your tongue.
Scarves are cool.
Funky man-necklaces are cool, but generally overpriced, but then again, someone has to go and get all those shark teeth. It’s probably one guy. Called Mitch. He has one eye.
Any sort of chain round the neck is a no-no, unless you happen to be a scary, yet lovable man from the 80s with a dislike of plane travel, a habit of pitying foos and of talking about oneself in the third person.
I don’t like wearing vests, but i’ve never thwarted terrorists at Christmas time, so what do I know.
Tshirts are all good, especially with a witty, yet obscure reference that only you understand (eg. http://www.cafepress.co.uk/fudgecrumpet ) although avoid wearing t-shirts with any characters from 80s tv shows that have recently been remade, as having a near-identical top to a 7-year-old is rarely fun.
Shirts are all good, try not to wear a shirt with poppers instead of buttons, as once people realise that you are wearing such an item, they will regularly, and annoyingly rip your shirt open, usually in public places.
JUMPERS & CARDIGANS
I am a fan of a good jumper, and i prefer them plain in grey or black. Patterned jumpers do give off an air of unwanted Christmas present, but can be good if you need to disguise yourself as a vicar.Cardigans, whilst not very cool, are in fact excellent for keeping your arms, sides and back warm, whilst leaving your chest and belly free to do whatever it is they do.I prefer a nice zippy cardigan, but only because losing buttons is one of the things I do too much of.
Never designate a pair of pants as ‘lucky pants’ as these will almost always be in the wash or covered in skidders when you actually need to get lucky, and will therefore jinx the rest of your pants into being ‘slightly less lucky’ pants. Instead, use Lynx Africa deodorant on a normal set of pants. Women can’t resist Lynx Africa, and any that say they can resist it either have a cold or some sort of bonkers mental thing that makes them wrong.
Jeans are good
Combats are good (but not in camoflague, as thinking your legs are invisible is not going to make your day more fun)
Fancy posh trousers are only for weddings, funerals, guaranteed nights of sex.
Trakky Bottoms are good for staying in playing playstation, good for exercising, bad for anything that involves interacting with human beings.
…can be worn for up to five days at a time, as long as they are kept dry and are bland in their design (so no-one goes ‘hey, you were wearing those dayglo Ulysees 31 socks yesterday’). Anyone who says otherwise either has OCD or a wife.
Anything is good, except flip flops. Because when your flip flops are wet, they fart. Farting shoes are stupid. You’re stupid. Dry your feet.
wear a coat, it’s bloody cold out.
WATCHES Everyone uses their phone to tell the time, so now is the time to BRING BACK EDIBLE SWEETY WATCHES, now everyone has a free wrist.
Try not to wear a spacesuit, unless you are in space, or in a zero gravity simulator pool. It’s warm, you’ll smell really bad and you’ll have to pee yourself.
And that’s it. There’s probably more wisdom i could impart but i’m hungry and i want a sandwich. Why don’t you have a sandwich too? I recommend the spam and beans with red sauce. Go on, you deserve it.