So I was bored the other night and I decided to watch Batman Begins and tweet all the bloody way through it. Below is the nonsense that came out of me. If you imagine it spread over the course of 2 hours it probably doesn’t look as raving bonkers but there you go.
And so… Batman Begins begins.
So, Batman Begins. The one without that much Batmanning in it, and her off of Dawson’s Creak/The Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay conspiracy.
Don’t know why they bothered getting an eight year old to play young Katie Holmes. They could have just got Katie Holmes to play herself.
Mullet Bruce Wayne is in a prison because he wants a fight with some baddies for no reason. He shoulda just hung out in Batley for a night.
Liam Neeson is here now. Talking all mysterious and that. Asking for flowers.
Bruce has found the flower now. Walking up a mountain. Wearing a silly hat. See at least The Hulk has a fun origin story.
Awww Bruce brought Qui Gon a flower. How nice of him.
Now Qui Gon is kicking the shit out of him. This is why nobody brings him a flower.
Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. No. So we can learn to seal up fucking mineshafts in the garden. Idiot.
“Yeah, let’s take our kid to a scary nonsensical opera.” Bruce Wayne’s dad is a dick of a parent.
Now his parents are dead and oh it’s so sad and boo bloody hoo, you’re a billionaire, kid. Build robot parents.
This is the point in the film when Alfred should have got Bruce a therapist, that would have stopped this whole mess from happening.
Now Qui Gon is teaching Bruce how to Batman.
Bruce just got a bit wet and is cold. Qui Gon is mumbling on about backstory that will no doubt get retconned in film number three.
Past Bruce with his silly hair has just quit school and is being a dick to Alfred. Who is the same age throughout the film.
Katie Holmes also doesn’t age in this film. Or in real life.
Bruce wanted to shoot the baddy but someone else shot the baddy and Bruce is cross and he made Katie Holmes cross and she told him off.
Katie Holmes smacked Bruce because he had a gun and a silly haircut.
Now Bruce is being a bit homeless and naughty. Now Qui Gon is making him sniff flowers to fuck him up.
Now off-his-head Bruce is fighting ninjas and is looking in a box of bats and isn’t scared any more and is winning.
Now Qui Gon wants Bruce to kill a naughty man so he can be a badass naughty man but he doesn’t want to be a naughty man.
Fake Raspberry Gold is a bit of a meanie to Bruce. He has a funny chin moustache.
Now Bruce has decided no, I won’t kill the naughty man I’ll fuck up your expensive house with fire and ninjaing.
Fake Raspberry Gold is dead because some wood fell on him. Bruce is rescuing Qui Gon because he has never seen this film.
Now Bruce has decided he wants to be a scary symbol to scare baddies. Like an ampersand.
Bruce has gone looking for his batcave now. It is surprisingly well lit. For a cave. Probably has a Wi-Fi hotspot too.
Now all the bats are flying about him and he isn’t scared of bats any more. It cuts just before one climbs in his mouth and does a shit.
Bruce Wayne has gone to work now and everyone is surprised. Probably because he had a silly haircut last time they saw him.
Visiting Morgan Freeman now. He has lots of incredibly useful only if you want to be Batman gadgets.
Bruce is now spraying his spelunking suit black. If he wanted it to be an accurate bat costume he should have made it fluffy.
Bruce is now trying to staple commissioner Gordon’s head to make him his friend.
Morgan Freeman is now showing Bruce his magic batcape material that is useful for being a batcape.
He is Batman now. Dead on an hour into the film. Chucking his little Frisbee bats about. Breaking shit. Dick.
His voice isn’t as ludicrously croaky in this film. This is a good thing.
The McGuffin that will be useful for the baddies has just been invented and explained and stolen by the baddies.
Bruce is now pretending to be a dickhead because reasons.
The Scarecrow is now making the mob man go bonkers by wearing a bag on his head and making him sniff stuff.
I don’t remember what happens in this bit of the film. Oh look its that kid off of Game of Thrones who’s a bit of a dick.
Now the Scarecrow has bonkersgassed Batman with bonkers gas and set him on fire and he’s fine because he landed in a puddle.
It is Bruce’s birthday so Katie Holmes gave him a piece of old shit that she found in the garden. Tight bitch.
Rutger Hauer has just asked Morgan Freeman for some exposition and then fired him because he has nothing else to do in the film anyway.
Now all the bonkers juice is in the water and Katie Holmes has been bonkersgassed and for some reason her boobs are massive in this bit.
Batman is now fighting some baddies and has bonkersgassed the scarecrow but he is already a bit bonkers.
They should give Katie Holmes bonkersgas all the time. Bloomin heck look at them.
Now the police want to capture batman. He has a magic button on the bottom of his shoe for summoning bats. Useful place for a button.
Imagine if he’s just walking along and accidentally stands on a stone and presses the button and all the bats show up and kick off. Stupid
Now Batman is driving his silly big car on top of stuff with a sudden pointless disregard for human life.
If Batman just killed 1 bad guy that’d be fine. no, leave the bad guys alive. Blow up police cars and collapse bridges on innocent people.
The Batmobile has gadgets. For example it drops conkers which makes cars fall over.
Katie Holmes has had antidote now. So at least she won’t have to buy any new bras.
Morgan Freeman has shown up to give another bit of exposition. And here’s another fake raspberry gold with Qui Gon as his plus one.
Turns out Qui Gon IS Raspberry Gold.
Bruce is making everyone go home from his party by being a bit of a dick. Usually to do that I have to load Singstar on the PlayStation
Now Raspberry Gold is explaining his plan. He is a bastard. If only because he ruined the remake of Jeff Wayne’s war of the worlds.
Now the baddies are burning down Wayne Manor in an attempt to kill Bruce. Why they don’t just set fire to Bruce is beyond me.
A bit of wood just fell on Bruce leaving him so obviously dead that Raspberry Gold has just buggered off. Should have trod on his neck.
Wayne Manor is incredibly poorly built and has no fire suppression equipment in place whatsoever.
Now Bruce is leaving Alfred in the batcave, the only way out being climbing out of a well, up a burning lift shaft or over a waterfall.
Now Katie Holmes has gone over to where all the baddies are for some reason. Probably because she has nothing better to do.
The over-elaborate bonkersgas distribution is happening and everyone is going a bit bonkers. Commissioner Gordon is fine. He has a moustache
Meanwhile, Batman is getting dressed.
Batman is taking a moment to explain the third act to Commissioner Gordon while Katie Holmes electrocutes The Scarecrow’s face off.
Batman is fighting lots of shit ninjas while Commissioner Gordon does all the fun Batmobile stuff.
And Raspberry gold has stolen a train with the McGuffin device on board.
The nice water board man just gave us a bit of exposition. Because he has seen this film before.
Batman is demonstrating his sitting on top of chairs technique to Raspberry Gold. Raspberry Gold stabbed the train with a pen.
To be fair, this is a shitty plan. Why didn’t Raspberry Gold just drive the McGuffin to the central water pipe thing and then turn it on?
Batman won’t kill Raspberry Gold but we won’t stop him crashing in a train through no doubt several dozen innocent bystanders, and exploding
Batman saved the city, except all those people that have already been bonkersgassed and killed folk with knives and spatulas.
Bruce Wayne bought his company in some sort of boring way. Morgan Freeman gets promoted up from exposition spouter.
Now Katie Holmes is having some sort of romantic moment before she goes and gets ugly for the next film.
Katie Holmes has very very long fingers. She’s like the Vic and Bob version of Lloyd Grosman.
The entire Wayne Manor burnt down. All of it. Gotham clearly has a shit fire brigade and builds it’s mansions out of balsa wood.
“Going to rebuild it exactly the same, brick for brick” If you’d have used bricks it wouldn’t have burnt down, dick.
Now he has a Batsignal. And Commissioner Gordon has a Joker card. And that’s your lot. Thank you for not unfollowing.
Next time, unless everyone screams at me not to… The Dark Knight.