So, yeah, at least four people liked my twitter commentary of the first Bale Batman movies, so here’s the second…
Grumpy people who don’t like my ranting thru a film. It’s 153 minutes long. Go and have a long bath.
And if you’re watching along. Press play on your betamax… NOW
So the joker is disguised as a clown and is going to rob the FBI man from Prison Break’s bank.
I really need me a limpet drill for opening safes. Although obviously it’d still take HOURS to drill that vault.
Prison Break guy kicked some ass then got shot. They are in the vault now. By magic if not by locksmithing.
Now the joker has killed everyone he was working with and is going to drive a school bus covered in wall into a handy line of school buses
Because nobody will notice the bits of wall. Or the hole in the bank.
There is very tense music happening, despite nothing tense happening. Commissioner Gordon has a moustache.
Not sure why the joker never says to Commissioner Gordon “why so Sirius?”
Ah look. Its the Scarecrow in a van. Lots of fake batmans. Rubbish fake batmans.
Batman is fighting some dogs and using his hand tin opener to make a hole in the van. His tin opener didnt work so he just jumps on the van.
Batman and commissioner Gordon are doing some sort of boring mystery with marked money. Batman’s voice is croakier this film.
Alfred is visiting Bruce in his secret empty temporary batcave. Its a rubbish room with too many roof lights.
Katie holmes has been eating the ugly pills for this film.
Harvey Dent is a smug c**t with a trick coin. I hope he gets half his face melted off in a contrived accident.
Ugly Katie Holmes is all cozy with Harvey Dent. I reckon they’ve been doing kisses and that.
Harvey Dent is teaming up with Commissioner Gordon to form a super crime fighting boring thing. They shall be called Coin and Moustache.
Morgan Freeman is here now. Bruce wants a new suit with a posable neck. Because action figures need posable necks.
Bruce is now being a bit of a dick with Harvey and Ugly Katie. This somehow establishes that he still fancies her, despite her new face.
The bad guys are all meeting up to discuss EVIL, but really boring plans. Money and that.
The Joker has turned up. He’s not very funny. Not funny ha ha.
The Joker is making fun of the baddies and annoying them. This establishes him as super-evil. And a dick.
Harvey Dent is now meeting Batman to discuss the boring plan and how the baddies have done something chinese or something.
Batman is going to visit Hong Kong to capture the baddy accountant. Because woo accountants.
He has a new costume now. Buy the toys, kids.
Bruce has kidnapped some ballerinas and is wearing a shirt with really massive pockets.
The Joker is now being mean to the bad man that told him off. He is wearing a bin bag.
He is explaining his origin story. Its a lie. Really he just has a really bad case of facial herpes.
Morgan Freeman is visiting the baddy accountant. He is being tricksy with his crap old mobile phone. But its really a SUPER-ROOM-SCANNER
Morgan Freeman is explaining his SUPER-ROOM-SCANNER. Because it might be useful later.
Batman is wearing a different suit now. Buy the toys kids.
He is shooting gluey bombs onto the building and Morgan Freeman’s spare phone just did an EMP. My old phone used to do that. Fucking Nokias.
Batman is now fighting baddies and kidnapping the accountant using a handy balloon on a string thing.
The balloon on a string got rescued by an aeroplane and batman gave the bad accountant to Ugly Katie.
Harvey is now going to use the accountant’s snitchy snitch face to arrest all the boring baddies.
The Frumpy Judge and Commissioner Rubbishface have been quickly introduced. They will die soon.
The Joker has made a rubbish Batman torture film. That for some reason is getting broadcast IN FULL on daytime news. Yay censorship.
Bruce is now doing a big party for Harvey for some reason. He is being a bit of a dick because that is his disguise.
Ugly Katie and Bruce are having some sort of romance nonsense.
Commissioner Rubbishface and The Frumpy Judge are going to die now. Not that we care. They were rubbish and/or frumpy.
Harvey just proposed to Ugly Katie. Because he might be able to cure her face.
The joker is interrupting Bruce’s party because he is a dick. Bruce has sneaked off to get dressed and not call the police.
The joker is explaining his origin story again. It is different to the last one. Just admit it. Facial herpes. Be strong.
Batman has shown up and Joker dropped ugly katie out of a window. Batman has jumped out of the window to rescue her.
He saved her fine. Now he is having a relax while The Joker massacres everyone else at the party.
Alfred is trying to explain the Joker’s motives now. Because Alfred knows evil. Alfred actually is evil. Shhh its a secret.
Boring stuff is happening now.
Stupid employee man has worked out that Bruce Wayne is Batman and is being a dick about it.
Now Bruce in his Bruce wayne costume is running about investigating. Forgetting that he is supposed to be batman.
Commissioner Gordon just got fake killed saving the mayor from some baddies.
Harvey dent has kidnapped a bonkers baddy and stolen an ambulance.
Ugly Katie is now going to go and hide at Bruce’s house. Batman is being a bit of a dick with a mob guy.
Harvey is now being a bit of a dick with the baddy henchman who doesn’t have any information.
Bruce has told Harvey to hold a meeting so he can say he is Batman. Unfortunately Harvey misread that sentence.
Bruce is now giving Ugly Katie a snog to show that rich people arent shallow.
Harvey has seen Iron Man and thinks that if he tells everyone that he is batman then everyone will forget he wasnt in the first film.
Harvey dent’s movie habits include Iron Man and Spartacus…
Ugly Katie is getting gradually uglier.
Now Harvey is going to get in a van and get involved with a poorly edited car chase shootout. HIS TRICK COIN IS A TRICK COIN
The police convoy has had to swerve to avoid a burning vehicle, but rather than just going round it they have gone in the silly tunnel.
The lorry just killed the SWAT van and the editing is very poor and he has a bazooka.
Now the batmobile is here and it killed the bin lorry.
Dont really know why they dont stop Harvey’s prison truck and turn it round so it can go another way. That lorry would struggle to follow.
The Batmobile died. Fortunately it has an emergency bike hidden up its arse.
The batmobile said goodbye before it died. Its almosy as sad as when that Ewok dies in Return of the Jedi
Now Batman is indiscriminately blowing up shit again with no regard for pedestrians
He just shot a bin.
He just shot out some tripwires and tripped up the lorry.
Batman didnt kill the Joker but Commissioner Gordon isnt dead but was just wearing a balaclava and that.
Now the Joker’s very clever coincidental plan is taking place…
Commissioner Gordon is now interviewing The Joker, ooh suddenly Harvey Dent has been kidnapped. That could have been made clearer.
Gordon has gone for a cup of coffee and Batman has bashed The Joker’s head on the table.
The Joker is now teasing Batman because he is a dick.
The Joker has seen this film before and is now explaining it’s underlying themes and backstory.
Harvey and Ugly katie have both been kidnapped somehow. Again, this is the sort of important thing that we should have seen
Harvey and Ugly Katie are both fastened to chairs in different warehouses. The Joker is teasing a policeman.
A fat man has a magic phone bomb in his tummy.
Harvey and Ugly Katie are misusing their last moments by not having kinky tied up phone sex.
Harvey fell over and got petrol on HALF OF HIS FACE.
Now the cross policeman has somehow been captured and the Joker is escaping in an easily preventable manner.
The fat man’s tummy exploded. Just like mine on Monday night.
Batman has rescued Harvey. Harvey has gone a bit shouty and Ugly Katie has got all blown up.
Half of Harvey’s face has gone on fire. Only half. Despite most of his face being petrolled.
The Joker escaped and Batman is sad. Ugly Katie has written Batman a letter that Alfred is reading. This is a Federal offence. Bad Alfred.
Harvey is having a bit of a sad moment too. He is saving on the CGI budget by looking to the right.
Now the Joker is have a little bonfire with that accountant we all forgot about on it. It is a money bonfire.
The Joker is now being a dick about that employee outing Bruce. Bruce is wearing his Bruce costume again.
The Batlambourghini is a much cooler car than the Batmobile. I bet it doesnt have a bike up its arse though.
The Joker is dressed as a nurse now. Thats a bit of a danger wank if ever there was one.
Nursey Joker is having a chat with Two-Face now. Even though he is really half a face and half a kebab.
Nurse Joker is now explaining his vague plan to FaceKebab now.
FaceKebab’s burnt half teeth are very clean. And his eye doesnt dry out.
FaceKebab’s trick coin is now different on one side. So it’s basically a normal coin.
Bruce crashed the Batlambourghini and then pretended to be a dick.
Nurse Joker just blew up the hospital and it all fell to bits. This is probably a metaphor for thr NHS or something.
FaceKebab is missing and sneaking about having revenge. Youd think someone would spot him. What with half a kebab for a face.
Bruce has set up a SUPER-ROOM-SCANNER thing that uses all the phones ever. Bet he’ll see a lot of cocks.
FaceKebab is now being mean to some bloke. Tossed his non-trick coin. Shot him. Not sure why the bloke didnt just punch him in the neck.
Now the Joker has threatened everyone with some sort of boring plan. The FaceKebab plot is much more fun.
FaceKebab just made a mob guy crash a car to kill a mob guy. FaceKebab survives somehow. Despite his explosed innards and neck.
Now some sort of overelaborate scheme is unfolding on some ferries. A scheme to show that people dont have to be dicks.
Batman has found the joker. I do hope he uses his silly flashy eyes costume.
FaceKebab has made the naughty police lady phone Commissioner Gordon’s wife so they can get captured.
Now the ferry people are voting about being dicks or not. Commissioner Gordon shouted at Batman. Angry moustache.
Commissioner Gordon’s family has been kidnapped by FaceKebab.
The Joker’s hostages are disguised as clowns and the clowns are disguised as hostages and its all so confusing but not really.
Batman is basically beating up everyone now. He doesnt give a shit. He has flashy eyes.
Batman has basically forgotten about the baddies and is just twatting policemen.
The Joker has seen the beginning of this film so has some dogs. The natural predator of the bat is the dog.
Batman just chucked a dog out of the window. Moral champion my arse.
The big badass prisoner has taken the bomb remote control and chucked it away because big badasses arent always dicks.
Batman’s flashy eye lenses have basically left him blind now. Dont really get why he needed them to start with. Oh yeah, buy the toys.
None of the ferries blew up. Faith in humanity restored. Special effects budget already spent on blowing up that hospital.
Batman just shot his arm spikes into the joker then let him do a bungee jump. Doesn’t let bad guys die. Fuck the dogs and pedestrians though.
The Joker is now explaining the whole FaceKebab scheme, without pointing out the inherent coincidences that were required to make it happen
FaceKebab has just kicked Commissioner Gordon in the balls, and is having a right old rant.
FaceKebab is now threatening Gordon’s son. Gordon’s daughter just gets forgotten about despite being fucking BATGIRL
Batman is now having a chat with FaceKebab. Its like listening to two victims of tonsilitus arguing over cough sweets.
Commisioner Gordon is crying now. His moustache is getting wet.
Batman just pushed FaceKebab off a bit of building and rescued Gordon’s son. Then he fell off and had a snooze. Then he ran off.
Batman is now taking responsibility for FaceKebab’s actions because blah blah blah some sort of reason.
Commissioner Gordon has smashed the Batsignal. Should have just removed the bat symbol off it. Waste of a good searchlight.
Morgan Freeman has just blown up the SUPER-ROOM-SCANNER. Although due to editing this is several days after he was supposed to stop using it…
Probably spent that time looking at cocks.
And thats your lot.