Spoiler Alert!!!!! Don’t read this before youve seen yonder fillum because firstly it’ll make fuck all sense, secondly it’ll give away all the plot and that. So be told.
So… Star Trek : Into Darkness
Kirk runs away. Spock falls in a volcano. Everything is fine. They get told off.
Ricky off of Doctor Who uses Benadictine Combobulate’s MAGIC BLOOD then makes a mess in Space-London.
Kirk loses his ship then a guy dies and he gets his ship back.
The obviously bad admiral guy gives Kirk some BIG TORPEDOEs and Scotty quits because serious stuff is going to happen and we can’t have the comic relief guy getting in the way.
Checkov pulls the best oh shit I’m going to die face when he gets told to put on a red shirt.
Everyone goes to the Klingon homeworld because y’know, Star Trek has to have Klingons. Bentard Cummerbund appears and is awesome and eeeeeevil and invincible and that. They put him in a fish tank where Bones takes some of his MAGIC BLOOD.
Scotty hasn’t been in the film for a while so he appears and finds the EVIL ENTERPRISE, which is awesome and eeeeeevil and invincible.
Bones and TOKEN WOMAN open up a BIG TORPEDO and find out that they all contain frozen friends of Bunnylard CouchBoffin.
The bad admiral then flies the EVIL ENTERPRISE up to the Enterprise and shoots the shit out of Engineering, where Checkov is. In his red shirt. We don’t hear from Checkov again. For a very long time.
Some more stuff happens, the good Enterprise runs away. The EVIL ENTERPRISE chases it and twats it. Then Scotty, who is on the EVIL ENTERPRISE running about, turn the EVIL ENTERPRISE off.
Bumdangle Copperpot turns out to be KHAAAAAAN and Kirk teams up with him and spends fucking ages jumping from the good enterprise onto the EVIL ENTERPRISE. Absolutely fucking ages.
Meanwhile Spock phones Old Spock on Skype and Old Spock is incredibly curmudgeonly and unhelpful and basically spells it out that KHAAAAAAAN is eeeeeeevil.
Kirk and Scotty then help KHAAAAAAAAN take over the EVIL ENTERPRISE and then KHAAAAAAAN is eeeeeeeevil and causes a big fuss and twats everyone and squashes the bad admiral’s head off.
He twats the Enterprise a bit more and then swaps Kirk and Scotty and TOKEN WOMAN for the torpedoes which Bones took the people out of and set to blow up and then they blow up.
Then Checkov appears and he is fine. Nobody seems to care. EXCEPT ME.
Then Kirk dies somehow and Spock and Kirk act out the end of Wrath of Khan but they have the wrong pages and get mixed up then Spock says KHAAAAAAAN and cries.
Then the Enterprise nearly crashes into Earth then it doesnt and then the EVIL ENTERPRISE crashes into Earth.
KHAAAAAAN is obviously still alive because he is invincible and Spock chases him and they have a fight and Spock’s hair just looks silly when he runs.
Then Bones realises KHAAAAAAAN’s MAGIC BLOOD is magic and asks Spock to get some and Spock twats KHAAAAAAN and gets some and then KHAAAAAAAN and his pals are frozen in the warehouse from Raiders of the Lost Ark and Kirk comes back to life and that’s it.
The short version. There.
Pffft *trainer squeak*
(That was the turbolift door opening.)