Today (or yesterday if you are reading this tomorrow) the greatest event in all of Tennis begins. It is called Wimpledom and it is means nothing on the BBC is allowed to start at the proper time because of some reasons.
Anyway, to celebrate Wimpledom I recommend you sit back with a glass of Robinsons lemon barley water and read my GUIDE TO TENNIS.
Tennis was invented in 1976 by John McEnroe, who questioned the seriousness of the sport live on the telly. It is based on Badmington but with a ball instead of a shuttlecock because too many people were making jokes about the word shuttlecock and also you can’t play Badmington on a windy day.
The rules of tennis are simple. You have to ‘serve’ a ‘ball’ by hitting it with a ‘racquet’ across a ‘net’ at a second ‘player’ who has to hit the ‘ball’ back at ‘you’ and then you have to keep going after which a score which is a random number is rewarded and if you don’t score any points you get love. Which is a metaphor for relationships.
The scoring system in tennis is so complex even Carol Vorderman would struggle to explain in. Especially at the moment because she is pissed off her face on Southern Comfort.
You first score 15 points.
Then Pi to the power of 3.
Then the next available prime number.
Then boolean’s constant.
Then you win.
Unless you get juice. Which makes the score go back nearer 40. After which you can take advantage, despite this being frowned upon in today’s more sexually aware society.
The best tennis player ever was Jim Henmans. Jim Henmans was so good that as everyone kept telling him to “Come On Jim” he decided he couldn’t be bothered and lost on purpose and then pulled a face and waved. He was a right joker and can now be seen foraging in the woods for disgarded Skittles packets, as these are treasure to him.
The next best player ever is Andy Murrays. Andy Murrays has an elongated face which makes him look grumpy. He isnt really grumpy, he is just concentrating really hard about not doing a poop.
Once at Wimpledom it was raining so Cliff Richards stood up and sang some old Cliff Richards songs. Everyone thought this was great except for the people with ears and eyes. Then they fitted a roof on Wimpledom so it will never happen again.
There are also ball boys and ball girls and umpires who wear hats. Sometimes the tennis players aim the balls at them and try and murder them. This is the best bit.
AND THAT IS MY GUIDE TO TENNIS!
You can have an orange now. And wipe your face with a towel. Go on. Good.