Hello. How are you? You look clean.
Well, not for long, as festival season is upon us, like a peregrin falcon with a roll of carpet underlay. Confusing? Yes, but not for long now you have this handy well informed guide to help you out at Galsterbury, Ledes, Reeding and Woodstonk this Summer.
A music festival is basically an inside out radio in the mud, where all the people who live in your wireless and make musical noises come to life on a structure of boxes and metal with lights and that and sing slightly worse than they normally sound while a bunch of students, dirty people and people who have money to waste stand nearby making noises and inhaling drugs and booze.
Each festival tends to have one or two bands that you’ve heard of, accompanied by eighty-five thousand bands you’ve never heard of with names like Ponté Quelimo, David’s Neck and Florence and the Machine. These bands tend to play the sort of music you hear when you accidentally electrocute your ears.
Festivals are a fantastic place to obtain, and use drugs of all kinds. I knew someone once who managed to ‘score’ a whole bottle of Calpol along with a packet of Halls Soothers and a lollipop that was also a whistle. Good times.
It always rains at festivals because the festival-goers’ manic dancing acts as a rain dance. Sometimes it is so muddy, people have to buy wellies and hats. Bad times.
Festivals are notoriously bad for the quality of their toilets. I find that using such horrible facilities can be prevented by doing a big poo and a wee before you go and then not eating or drinking anything and being paranoid that someone will see your bits if you take your trousers off. Of course, this can be disastrous, but I find wrapping the bottom of the trouser legs with duct tape prevents any accidental spillage.
Some people like to use a festival as an opportunity to do some camping. These people are fucking idiots.
And that is my guide to festivals. Feel free to share your experiences with anyone who don’t scream at you to shut the fuck up, as all festival-goers are known to do.