Hiya, I’m really bloody knackered today. In my wisdom I decided to indulge my geeky urges and spend yesterday in Headingley, Leeds at The 7th Leeds Zombie Film Festival.

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I am now gonna try and offer a summary of the day’s movies, but if I nod off halfway through it’s because I had to get up at half 6 today for work so ultimately the whole shebang was a very silly idea.

So, two blokes off of Emmerdale Farm, can’t remember their names and too tired to check, a tall one and a dumpy one. Anyway, they started this here Zombie film festival wayyyy back in 2014 minus 7 (again, sleepy maths not my thing) to raise money for some charity and/or to indulge in the delights of watching a blend of shit, wowshit and wow zombie movies in the company of similarly deranged people.

So now, it’s a big event thing with a regularly updated facebook page, and a poorly updated website & twitter account. There was a good hundred or so people there, fifteen to twenty hardcore folk with the effort and money to wear fancy costumes and make-up, as well as Me and my mate Chris.

Now, I’m not one for the fancy dress lark, but on the off chance more than fifteen to twenty people were doing the dressing up thing I took a few accessories along just in case. I own a rubber severed arm and a plastic meat cleaver for just such an occasion, however, Gem wouldn’t let me get them out of the loft so instead I had a bag full of different coloured clown wigs and the most terrifying Princess Amidala mask in the world.

Naturally I only dressed up for the length of time it took me to film this video, and everything was sneakily pushed down into my awesome Pacman back along with my selection of snacks and sweets (tunnocks caramel wafers, aldi branded wotsits, stairs apple and pear).

Anyway, the movies, that’s what you’re bothered about. Well here goes…

1. LIFEFORCE
The classic naked space vampire lady nonsensical wibbly wobbly sci-fi guff from the 80s. Complete and utter shit, but in the best possible way. Contains a very naked woman, a terrible jean-luc picard fake head and just enough bonkersness to be hilarious (mostly unintentionally)
Contains volvo.

2. THE BATTERY
A new film starring and directed by a man with a beard, this movie follows a couple of ballplayers who are stuck in a post apocalyptic world, with only themselves and zombies for company. The film offers an occasionally hilarious look at a zombie-filled world, but covers loneliness and a lack of hope equally well.
Contains volvo, masturbation.

3. POULTRYGEIST – NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
This is a Troma film, and may possibly be the most universally offensive movie I’ve ever seen, but gloriously so. The basic plot revolves around a branch of kfc getting built on a Native American burial ground and after that, well it’s every brand of sick and twisted nonsense you could list. It’s hard to recommend this movie without running the risk of upsetting everyone, but if you do get the chance to see it with a lot of people, it certainly is a hilarious experience.
Contains lesbianism, masturbation.

After this was an hours break, in which I was craving KFC, despite the previous movie’s best efforts. I made do with a sausage butty from the chippy round the corner, served by a confused girl who couldn’t understand why so many zombies wanted jumbo haddock.

After the break, a number of short zombie films were showcased. You can probably find them on youtube if you’re awake enough to put the effort in.

A. Shellshocked
A world war II soldier finds himself in some tunnels, where he meets a nazi soldier. Half the movie revolves around them holding each other at gunpoint, and the resulting zombie payoff is fairly disappointing. I think we might have been nudged into applauding because the guy in it was the tall one out of the Emmerdale Farm pair that organised the festival. Still, it wasn’t shit.

B. Brains?
A hilarious look at the lives of everyday zombies, as they go about their daily business. In zombie, with English subtitles.

C. Cargo
A sad, but well made movie about a dad forced to look after his baby daughter, no matter the cost

D. I can’t remember the name of this one, despite it being awesome. I’ll tell you what happens in it and if you want to let me know what you think it is, then congratulations you’re awake.
So it basically follows a survivalist guy and his sidekick as they present a zombie survival video, instructing the viewer on how to catch and destroy the zombie menace in various cool/funny ways (water sprinklers, barbecues, cocaine)
There was enough awesome here to warrant a full length movie, or at least a tv show.
Still can’t for the life of me remember what it was called though. It had very flashy fancy cgi credits if that helps.

E. Radio Silence
Oh god, this one was depressing. A woman trapped in her home, making regular radio broadcasts in the hope of a rescue. The actress playing the lead role does well enough, and certainly has put a lot of effort into physically looking practically wasted away for the role. Still, the ending felt somewhat like a cheat.

F. Fist of Jesus
Yeah, I found this one of Youtube so you can make your own mind up…

So… Yeah. Glad we’re on the same page.

After a 10 minute break we were back into the full length movies with…

4. STALLED
…in which a janitor is trapped in a ladies toilet cubicle surrounded by… well, zombies obviously. It was fairly funny, but kind of drags in the middle when it tries to be grown up and serious, despite having spent the previous hour shooting zombies in the head with a severed finger launched from a bra.
Still, it was enjoyable stuff, and was quite restrained with the zombie slaughter. I’d say it was kinda in the style of Shawn of the Dead, but it really isn’t as clever or inventive. It does ok for a movie stuck for 95% of it’s running time in one location though.
Contains lesbianism, masturbation.

and finally,

5. WORLD WAR Z – The Extended Cut
Ugh.
If you’ve not read the book World War Z by Max Brooks, go and have a read of it or download the excellent full-voice-cast audiobook version from one of those internet people.
As for this film, well it’s Brad Pitt, having Mr Magoo style adventures, going from place to place and getting in trouble. The zombies come across as a mixture of the mushroom monsters from The Last of Us (very good game, lives in my freezer) and rubber floppy idiot men.
The movie itself offers very little in resemblance to the book, and follows Brad Pitt as he survives everything the zombie apocalypse throws at him, while continuing to look like he’s advertising aftershave with pisspoor poetry.
The extended version is apparently the ‘gory’ cut, which I assume is approximately 3 seconds longer than the original, albeit with some CGI blood splatter effects added on top.
Half the audience had gone home/to the pub by this point, and I only stayed to the end because I was unable to stand due to my incredibly numb bottom.
Contains volvo.

So, yeah, then it was midnight, and despite the Emmerdale Farm men encouraging everyone to go to the afterparty at the pub across the road, I am a grown up and I had to get up for work today, so I headed home for sleep and getting kicked in the head by the kids in the middle of the night for some reason.

All in all, an enjoyable, but butt-numbing experience that I would love to do next year, had Gem not already banned me from doing so. Sigh…

So, now I am going to make a coffee. A strong coffee…
Zzzzzzzz

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Comments
  1. […] first saw this at the Leeds Zombie Film Festival, and you can see my early thoughts about this slice of fried gold […]

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