So… in a change to our regular Movie Night shenanigans, I’m gonna do a live chunter while watching (for the first time), found-footage Rosemary’s Baby-ish horror film Devil’s Due. Expect me to go off on one at some point, if the movie annoys or bores me or if I get distracted by something. I get distracted by stuff easily. Spoiler Alert. Probably.
So… without futher ado… DEVIL’S DUE
0:00:00 – Movie Starts with police interview framing sequence. Meh.
0:08:47 – “Hey! Why don’t I write a live blog movie night post?”
0:08:48 – So…. it’s all camcordery. The main couple just got married, filmed all that, didn’t film the honeymoon night. Feel conned.
0:11:00 – Nothing much has happened yet. Nothing Devilly anyway.
0:12:54 – Spooky fortune teller. Ooh
0:14:10 – Scared of this taxi driver, surprised he’s not nicked their camcorder yet.
0:15:57 – It appears the taxi man has taken them to the party at the Earth’s core from The Matrix 2.
0:17:42 – Oooooh they’ve been kidnapped and are being done all ritually and that. You’d have thought they’d switch the camera off.
0:18:30 – Ah, they’re fine now. Let’s hope they don’t rewind the tape and watch it.
PAUSED MOVIE TO PILFER AN IMAGE FROM IMDB AND TO POST A LINK TO FACEBOOK.
PIMPED OUT @jimbobbers‘ BLOG BECAUSE HE ASKED NICELY (ooh, also check out his terribly wonderful drunk George/Zippy impression)
GOT DRESSED BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN IN THE BATH AND I’M MORALLY OPPOSED TO WRITING BLOGS IN THE NUDE
MADE A GLASS OF WEAK LEMON DRINK
SAT DOWN AGAIN. LET’S GO.
0:20:41 – Those cheeseburgers look shit.
0:21:09 – She has just got her pregnancy results but he won’t put the camera down. Which I suppose is normal, when Gem first discovered she was pregnant with Jess, I had a minor nervous breakdown and played Sonic Heroes on the PS2 constantly for three hours without blinking.
0:23:00 – Ultrasound foetus just did Marble Hornets-style picture messing and nobody is suspicious.
0:24:28 – The dog has drunk too much wine.
0:25:21 – I’m fairly bored. May have to go and make a sandwich. Oh look, he’s filming his sleeping wife with night vision. Oooh and now she’s evil and possessed. No sandwich.
0:27:32 -NOSEBLEED – The worst thing that can possibly happen to any character in any film or TV show ever!
0:28:38 – Scary stalker man at the window. I think I saw him on the bus the other day.
0:30:28 – Staring at meat.
0:31:00 – Eating meat. Everyone fears the lady eating meat.
0:31:56 – I’m really not convinced by any of this camcorder footage stuff. I know it’s not real, but it doesn’t feel real either.
0:33:34 – Shitty yoga. Camera distortion, and everyone gets tummy ache. Ooooh spooky.
0:35:21 – Pregnant lady just went bonkers apeshit and twatted a car. That was actually pretty normal. I could have made this film when Gem was pregnant.
0:37:22 – EXPOSITION DISCUSSION BETWEEN MAIN MAN CHARACTER AND UNNAMED DOCTOR FILMED BY STILL-RUNNING CAMERA ON TABLE WHILE BONKERS PREGNANT LADY WENT FOR A WEE AND A POO
0:38:45 – Tummy Needle. I’m not watching this bit.
0:40:17 – UNABLE TO MAINTAIN CAMCORDER USEAGE FOR REMAINDER OF FILM SO MAN SETS UP SECRET HOME CCTV CLICHE
0:41:14 – I miss Marble Hornets. I really hope Entry 87 isn’t the last one. Fucking Tim. Everything is not FUCKING OK.
0:41:58 – Dog doesn’t like secret CCTV
0:43:27 – Don’t shout SURPRISE at a pregnant woman, you fucking idiots! You know full well they piss themselves at every opportunity!
0:44:33 – EXPOSITION DISCUSSION BETWEEN MAN AND UNNAMED FRIEND CHARACTERS FILMED BY SECRET HOME CCTV
0:45:12 – Doomed child steals camera and wanders around dark house with night vision. DOOMED.
0:45:46 – Camera distortion and scary bra lady.
0:46:33 – Why does this woman keep letting the man film her sleeping? Seriously, Gem would have stabbed my soul out.
0:47:15 – Lumpy tummy fun. She may be pregnant with John Hurt’s party piece.
0:48:41 PAUSING THE FILM BECAUSE I NEED FOOD AND THIS BIT ISN’T SCARY
AAAAND WE’RE BACK
0:49:09 – Devil Foetus kills a vicar. Because Lulz.
0:50:23 – Vicar isn’t dead yet. He’s just gone a bit mental
0:51:13 – NOSEBLEED – Vicar is dead. Nosebleeds are bad. Always.
0:52:02 – Seriously, one of these days I’m gonna make a film where someone has a nosebleed and then they don’t die.
0:41:39 – Man is now watching back the vicar video, and is FINALLY watching all the video recorded earlier. You’d think they’d have watched their wedding video ONCE since they got married.
0:53:53 – OOH LOOK WE WERE INVOLVED IN A TERRIFYING RITUAL SHOCKER (Keep watching you fucking idiot, I bloody had to)
0:55:16 – I remember now, I didn’t like Rosemary’s Baby. Not because it was scary, but because it was so brown and orange.
0:56:03 – The vicar isn’t dead. He just had a stroke. Do you get a nosebleed when you have a stroke?
0:57:13 – Vicar is now spouting bible verses about the apocalypse. Why he couldn’t read the bit about people not being allowed to eat shellfish is beyond me. Those bloody Christians, eating prawns. Pfft.
0:58:28 – Why would the nurses let the man use his camcorder with the clearly mentally fragile vicar?
0:59:06 – Pregnant lady is being a grumpy bitch. Yup, normal. As normal as nosebleeds.
1:00:12 – The police have been called, because someone put muck outside. Why the man doesn’t show him the scary ritual from earlier is beyond me.
1:01:07 – Oh, and there’s less than half an hour left, stuff might start happening now.
1:01:27 – FORGOT TO EAT MY YOGHURT
1:02:01 – CAT DECIDED TO LAY ON REMOTE AND REPEATEDLY PRESS PAUSE MAKING ME THINK THE TELLY WAS POSSESSED, Also coincided with spooky time jump on film.
1:03:23 – Pregnant lady ate a deer (normal) then a ghost chucked some strangers about, strangers carrying an INVINCIBLE CAMCORDER
1:04:05 – CAN’T FIND THE SPOON FOR MY YOGHURT
PAUSING FILM TO FIND SPOON
I WAS SAT ON THE SPOON
1:05:12 – Pregnant woman randomly humming in a dark room. This isn’t spooky, this is normal for a pregnant lady. Hormonal nutters that they are.
1:07:54 – Man now has pocket-mounted camera, because this guy has INFINITE CAMERAS and needs an excuse not to carry a camcorder because the film-makers are lazy.
1:08:55 – Not sure why the pregnant woman needs this babysitter lady to be here, except to obviously MURDER HER FACE OFF
1:09:59 – Pregnant lady murdered off babysitter lady’s face and destroyed a door and one of the CCTV Cameras. This is normal pregnant lady behaviour.
1:11:11 – Man has broken into the scary foreign ritual guy’s house and is having a look around using his pocket camera. Ah look, they’ve got access to his secret CCTV and the shit is going down.
1:12:57 – Pregnant lady is now wearing one of those night dresses that only women possessed by the devil seem to wear.
1:13:33 – Oh, and Amy Pond in that episode of Doctor Who, because a kissogram would clearly wear an unflattering massive nightee to bed. Why do we never see her being a kissogram? I mean, even her police uniform is authentic, no fishnets or nothing.
1:14:38 – Scary foreigners chasing the man. There was just lightning. Lightning is as bad as nosebleeds.
1:15:36 – It’s a good job he’s got this pocket camera, saves him from dropping the camcorder as he gets twatted. Good thinking.
1:16:20 – Stuff is exploding and shit. Man is doing silly Blair Witch talking-to-himself filming.
1:17:15 – Fairly good poltergeist shit, but really doesn’t make much sense.
1:17:55 – Pregnant lady is making a mess and just psychically twatted the guy. Typical pregnant behaviour.
1:18:22 – Doomed Babysitter Lady is dead. Obvs.
1:18:40 – HANDY SECOND CAMERA IN THE ROOM TO MAKE FILMING EASIER CLICHE
1:19:37 – Emergency magical special effects Devilish C-Section.
1:20:29 – Lady is dead. Which was obvious, because she had a nosebleed earlier.
1:21:17 – Ooooh look, it’s the unnamed doctor from earlier that the man had a chat with. That is probably a twist.
1:21:58 – Ah, back to the police framing device. I guess this means the film is done.
1:22:40 – Oooh the unnamed doctor man was called Doctor Dylan and he wasn’t really a doctor. That is also probably a twist.
1:23:22 – Ah. A new couple. I wonder if the whole thing is going to start again. Sigh.
1:24:03 – Well. That’s it. Ends on a jaunty tune.
1:24:22 – To be fair, the scariest bit was when I lost the spoon for my yoghurt. It’s basically a film about a woman behaving perfectly normally during pregnancy, and a 2 minute bit when a ghost attacks some strangers.
Aaaaand… fast forward… no after credits fun. Disappointing.
“The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds and thousands of work hours” it says.
The making and lack of distribution of this blog supported 1 disappointed man and involved just over 90 minutes of wasted time.
I watched this film so you don’t have to. Ugh