Night number four of my exodus into Transformer Moviedom, and the Spider-Man onesie is getting fairly ripe. Fortunately, nobody is in the room to smell me, and anyway, we’ve been decorating all this week so any weird smells I’m gonna blame on the paint fumes.
So, the last of the Transformers movies before Age of Extinction, which comes out this weekend, Dark of the Moon.
…in a Transforming Megatron box. Which just looks like someone went a bit mad with a glue gun.
OK, hold onto your hats…
An old Transformer curmudgeon is found on the moon! He turns out to be a bit of a shit! Shia The Beef has a new girlfriend with an even better bottom, but a more annoying voice!
WHY IT IS GOOD!
Leonard Fucking Nimoy! Fucking Bumblebee almost dies and cries, but doesn’t die! Rosie Richard Whiteley Huntingbottom’s bottom! Shockwave looks mean! One of the Wreckers has a fat belly! The plot is basically nicked from the cartoon, and this is a good thing!
WHY IT IS BAD!
Optimus Prime continues to murder willy-nilly, including a guy who just saved his life, and a feeble begging old curmudgeon. Rosie Richard Whiteley Huntingbottom’s voice and acting talent are fucking awful! Human soldiers show up and basically get in the way! Shockwave is wasted, especially his Frank Welker voice, which has been synthesised to shit! Shia The Beef continues to exist! Optimus Prime fucks off, just to prove a point! John Malkovich is in this movie for no discernible reason!
CHANCE OF FALLING ASLEEP!
5/10, it certainly seems much longer than any movie ever.
RATING ON THE FUDGECRUMPET SCALE OF AWESOMENESS