So, here we go again with another pisspoor movie for me to almost completely ignore while writing a blog simultaneously. Tonight’s fantastic treat was reduced from £6.00 to £3.00 at Asda, and has a trailer for In The Name Of The King – A Dungeon Siege Tale before it even starts. Yes, it’s AGE OF THE DRAGONS, an ‘explosive action epic’ version of Moby Dick starring Danny “I’m Too Old For This Shit” Glover and Vinnie “I have an Inexplicable Acting Career” Jones.
So… yeah, well.
So, I have 3/4 of a tin of cold beans to eat, and no cup of coffee so I have an excuse to take a break from the film at some point to make one… LET’S GO!
0:00:00 – ‘Koan Presents…’ Nope, never heard of them.
0:00:41 – Cute bunny rabbit
0:01:18 – Dead rabbit
0:02:00 – There’s a nostalgic voice over, and I think this bit is a flashback. A boring flashback.
0:03:04 – Dragon flies overhead but characters don’t look up. Not a good sign.
0:03:48 – Dragon!
0:04:25 – Oh good god, that’s a shit dragon. The man is flapping wildly, hoping to hit the CGI.
0:05:05 – The dragon’s having nothing of it and set him on fire. And there’s the title.
0:05:37 – They have the same names as the characters in Moby Dick. They’re not even trying to disguise the link.
0:06:18 – Busty Bar Wench
0:07:04 – Folk are talking in faux Hollywood Shakespeare. Excuse me while I eat my beans.
0:07:38 – Vinnie Jones is talking and being a hard man. In lieu of acting.
0:08:49 – So basically, get Moby Dick, and swap the word ‘whale’ with the word ‘dragon’, there’s your script.
0:10:18 – Token female character has arrived. She hasn’t even bothered to not have an American accent.
0:12:14 – The token female character has just twatted an idiot to prove that she’s not just there to be the token female character.
0:14:12 – I’M BORED
0:14:40 – Just looked at the Amazon reviews for this movie. They don’t seem to impressed. Well, a few people do, but they probably don’t want to admit paying money for this. Yes, I paid £3.00 for this, but that’s money I got free for doing online surveys, so I don’t have buyer’s guilt.
0:16:42 – Everyone is being very whispery and mysterious. Well, everyone except my PS3, who wants to make lots of fan noise because he is a dick.
0:17:45 – They have a big car tank thing that looks like a boat. Everything is colour-corrected to be a bit blue.
0:19:24 – The characters are being introduced. Well, I say characters. Different frowny people.
0:20:10 – Token female character has magic bombs gimmick
0:21:04 – Boatcartank appears to be a TARDIS. And everyone has very clean teeth.
0:22:35 – Vinnie Jones is talking. Everyone is looking at him like he is acting.
0:23:39 – I thought the token female character was called Corey Sevier but that’s the name of the main character. Who doesn’t appear on the box. At all.
0:25:41 – The token female character is actually called Sofia Pernas. She has less twitter followers than me, and she’s been in a film AND has tits. She must be well boring.
0:27:00 – Danny Glover has shown up. And the flashback from earlier is being repeated in slow motion with EEEWAAARWOOWAA choir music in the background to remind us who he is.
0:27:58 – Well, he’s clearly bonkers.
0:28:50 – Yeah, he’s not even subtle with the fucking off the nut bonkers. Everyone seems fine with this.
0:29:51 – I’m not entirely sure how the token female character is his daughter. She clearly has none of his ‘too old for this shit’ genes.
0:30:24 – One of the characters is called Starbuck. Like off of coffee. And Battlestar Galactica. And Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
0:31:44 – STILL BORED.
0:32:01 – Dramatic Music!
0:32:12 – Dragon!
0:32:32 – Everyone is looking vaguely in the direction of wherever the CGI is supposed to be, chucking stuff in the general direction and such.
0:33:44 – Vinnie Jones just got completely burnt to death by CGI in like 2 seconds. Everyone looks sad.
0:34:35 – Everyone continues to look sad. in slow motion.
0:35:14 – Everyone is still sad. This is a disproportionate amount of time to mourn a character played by Vinnie Jones.
0:36:25 – They are cutting open the dragon now. Because reasons.
0:37:07 – They are now burying Vinnie Jones. And making speeches. FFS It’s just Vinnie Jones. Just put him in a bin.
0:39:13 – So, Sofia Pernas ‘loves food’, tweets roughly once a fortnight and if you put both of your fingers in your mouth and say her surname it sounds like ‘penis’. She looks a lot like that Irish one off of Girls Aloud. Only not evil.
0:42:31 – Token female character is now explaining her backstory, and explaining why shitbonkers Danny Glover isn’t her real dad. I’ve almost completely stopped watching to be fair.
0:44:55 – Danny Glover continues to be shitbonkers. Another flashback. Because I keep forgetting what happened half an hour ago.
0:46:48 – Token female character has invited main character man for a walk because a movie about obsessive ex-Lethal Weapon actors chasing bad CGI needs romance.
0:51:00 – Sorry, got distracted by a video of low flying jet fighters on facebook. Carry on.
0:52:42 – Only about 40 minutes left to go, that’s not long. That’s less time than it takes to bake a Fray Bentos pie. Or to install The Last Of Us on a PS3.
0:54:10 – There are some more dragons now. Baby ones made of rubber, rather than CGI.
0:54:35 – Naturally, the rubber dragons are asleep so aren’t moving much.
0:55:31 – They are now killing all the rubber dragons. They seem pretty sad about it, not sure why.
0:57:37 – The big bad Moby Dick dragon has shown up. Everything is very blue, in lieu of it being night-time.
0:58:33 – The main character’s friend who hasn’t said much has just said he is sad to have killed all the dragons and he has gone off for a walk.
1:00:00 – Everyone continues to be cross about something or other.
1:01:48 – Starbuck just tried to kill Shitbonkers Danny Glover because reasons. Starbuck got killed because meh.
1:02:48 – Now the main character is being made to walk behind the boatcartank because OH FOR FUCKS SAKE I DONT KNOW STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS
1:03:21 – All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers. All work and no play makes fudgey a grumpy knickers.
1:04:26 – The token female character is being nice to the main character man now so I don’t think he has to walk behind the boatcartank anymore.
1:05:18 – Another flashback to the beginning of the film. Because anyone who has got this far into the film is clearly off their nut.
1:06:33 – Some characters I don’t recognise have shown up for some reason. They are nicking all the blue glowing glow-stick juice. Not sure why.
1:07:28 – Now they are having a fight. One of them knows kung fu.
1:08:28 – The token female character tried to join the fight but got in the way and needed to be rescued by Shitbonkers Danny Glover. All the random characters I didn’t recognise have been killed in the head.
1:10:11 – Shitbonkers Danny Glover continues to be shitbonkers. He is doing one of those speeches that makes everyone think he is an Actor. And then we remember him in Predator 2.
1:12:03 – It is snowing fake snow.
1:12:34 – The token female character is getting undressed because she is the token female character.
1:13:18 – The generic arsehole character who hasn’t done much for the whole film has gone a bit rapey. He’s been completely reasonable and useless up to this point and we need an excuse to hate him.
1:14:00 – The main character just twatted him and chased him off into the fake snow because despite this being medieval fictional fantasy times, 21st century moral values still apply.
1:16:20 – Generic arsehole character has escaped because reasons.
1:17:15 – Now the main character is having a nice snog with the token female character because yawn.
1:18:26 – Generic arsehole character got eaten by a dragon because it saves that plot thread being tied up properly.
1:19:42 – They’ve left the carboattankboatcar behind because I guess that would have been fairly convenient.
1:21:18 – There’s just about 10 minutes left, not including credits. I guess the dragon will show up at some point.
1:22:53 – The token female character has just found her dad’s rubber corpse. It turns out that Shitbonkers Danny Glover killed him because of reasons. Because nobody realised he was shitbonkers.
1:25:16 – Danny Glover reveals that the man in the flashback sequence was HIM! PLOT TWIST(!)
1:26:35 – The dragon has shown up again in the flashback. But I think that’s about it.
1:27:20 – Token female character almost killed Shitbonkers Danny Glover but didn’t, so Shitbonkers Danny Glover killed the main character’s BFF instead. And now the main character is angry.
1:28:15 – Ah look, the dragon has shown up. Basically Shitbonkers Danny Glover is dead. Death by being conkered into a wall by a dragon.
1:29:38 – Well, I think that’s it.
1:30:01 – Yup, it’s finished. Well, that was as good as can be expected. If your expectations are lower than something infinitely low.
Well, that’s me done. I’m not even gonna fast forward to see if there’s an after credits bit (there won’t be) Excuse me while I put this here blu-ray on eBay in a hope of gaining back my mis-spent £3.00. Might have to offer free postage.
Go on, be on your way.
It sold for £3.01 on eBay. So if you ignore the free postage I’ve made a profit! YEAHHHHHHHH!