So, I’m back home from the pictures, having seen that new robot fillum that folk seem to be talking about. You know the one…
So, I guess you’d like to know what I thought about it, with a minimal of spoilers, right? Right. Here goes then… THE PLOT! After the last film, everyone was cross at the Transformers because they had made a mess so they went about twatting them with the help of nasty bounty hunter Lockdown, who is hunting down Optimus Prime because of whatever is supposed to happen in the next film. Marky Mark and his daughter and Justin Lee Collins discover knackered Optimus Prime and help him and then they get in trouble and Justin Lee Collins gets turned into a panel from an old Dreamwave Transformers comic. Then they meet up with the other Autobots, who are all new except Bumblebee. The new Autobots are Drift, a cartoon character version of what a 7 year old thinks a chinese person is; Crosshairs, an arsehole and Hound, a big fat fucking genius voiced by John Goodman. There are other newbies too, namely Galvatron, but to go into detail there would be fairly spoilery, needless to say he has Frank Welker doing his best G1 Megatron voice and his role is yet another set-up for the next movie. So there are lots of explosions and two different sets of bad guys and Marky Mark gets a sword gun and then there are Dinobots and then it ends three hours later.
WHY IT IS GOOD! Old school G1 Optimus Truck! Old School G1 Galvatron voice! Hound! Explosions! Dinobots! “I was expecting a giant car”! Stanley Tucci is not annoying, despite trying really hard! Kelsey Grammar is very eeeeEvil! The next film might be better! I WANT TO BUY ALL THE TOYS!
WHY IT IS BAD! Optimus is a stroppy dick! Half of the movie’s plot is unresolved for the inevitable sequel! It’s an hour too long! Marky Mark’s sword gun must have had the Konami code inputted because it’s just too freaking powerful (and has a human sized trigger)! Too many things explode! The Dinobot red herring at the start just confuses matters! Everything explodes! The new Transformers transform in a shit way that bypasses ‘realistic’ special effects!
CHANCE OF FALLING ASLEEP! Me – 1/10 despite the length Meg – 10/10 despite the noise
RATING ON THE FUDGECRUMPET SCALE OF AWESOMENESS! 6.86222/12 The best of all the Live Action movies, but could have been a bit shorter, maybe taken away one of the plots and saved it for Transformers VI. Still, I enjoyed it for what it was, and what it was was robots punching robots for hours and hours.