So, you know me well enough to know I rarely eat anything healthy. If a food doesn’t have bacon in it then I tend to consign it to the back of the fridge, whenceforth it shall be expected to grow legs and attempt world domination using some sort of pseudo-science the likes of which would make Stan Lee say “That’s just bleedin’ ridiculous, by ‘eck.” (In my head, Stan Lee is from Barnsley)
Well, here I am eating actual fruit. And not that fruit that is fruit-shaped and that you need to use your teeth and that to eat, no this is a yummy fruit snack that’s been squished up and put in a pouch for you to eat with the minimum of effort. Yeah, it’s lazy food and it’s good for you, it’s a CRUSHED FAST FRUIT SNACK and it’s yummy like an angel French kissing you after eating a cake.
Crushed’s Fast Fruit Snacks come in two lovely flavours, Apple and Strawberry and Apple and Banana and are made with 100% fruit. None of those added otters or lead pipes or anything, like with your other food snacks. Each pouch counts as one of your 5 a day, although apparently eating five of them gets your told off my that man who ran that fitness class I did until they switched from doing rugby to football, which I can’t do. Not that I don’t understand the rules of football or anything, I just have no foot-based coordination so when I kick stuff it tends to not want to go anywhere.
Anyway, once I’d managed to convince the kids that these pouches weren’t baby food, they enjoyed them, which makes for an easy, healthy snack, a topping for porridge, or when you bob them in the freezer – a squeezy iced fruit snack, kinda like a sorbet but without a spoon.
My favourite of the two flavours was the Apple and Strawberry, because I’m not a big fan of bananas, as I am not a monkey and one time I ate that black bit at the end of the banana and it was horrible and I died. I didn’t really die. Obvs.
These here pouches can stay in the cupboard for ages and ages, so even if you’re a bacon loving food ignorer like me, you’re still in with a chance of getting to eat these after a few weeks, without having to threaten it with a knife or having to have a bottle of Pepto Bismol as a chaser.
The pouches make for an excellent alternative to carrying a bag of fruit and snacks about on a day out, as we found out yesterday on our trip to Brodsworth Hall (more about that later) and I was reliably informed by the lovely people on Crushed’s twitter account that after eating them, you are able to reinflate the pouches and stamp on them to make a satisfying, if somewhat fruity and soggy bang. I don’t recommend doing this at home though, do it at someone else’s home instead. Maybe do it at Michael McIntyre’s house. He likes talking about events that occurred and other obvious things, I’m sure you’d probably give him over 4 minutes of free material, 8 minutes if you count that time he spends frantically waggling his fringe about like a speeded up shampoo model as a comedy act.
You can buy yourself some of these yummy snack pouches at Waitrose, if you have a butler or WH Smith Travel, if you can go in there without being tempted by The Beano, and it’s terrible quality free gifts, that I reckon were so much better in the 80s. You can also get them online if you have a computor and access to the world web wide, on the off chance you can do those things.
The pouches are suitable for vegans, although obviously if you are a vegan, you might need someone else to squeeze the pouch for you, as you will have no strength due to your crazy meat avoidance thing you do. (Don’t worry, I don’t think any vegans read my blog, and if they do, they’re probably too busy itching themselves due to their polyester underwear to take offence)
So, what have we learned from this review?
1. I have discovered a way to eat fruit without using my teeth.
2. The Beano’s free gifts are probably the same quality as those in the 80s, but I am wearing rose-tinted goggles.
3. Vegans don’t like me.
4. The Crushed people get cross if you call their product a drink, as it is liquid food. You don’t call soup a drink. No. Apparently.
So, go out and get yourself a box of these here fast fruit snacks, follow the people on twitter and facebook and tell them that I sent you and how tasty I think their squished up goodness is. Don’t word it like that though, as that makes me sound like a weird creepy person. Which I’m not. No, really I’m not. Stop nodding.