So, I’ve been on t’holiday, to the mother-in-law’s caravan in lovely Scarborough, catching the sun, watching the neighbouring field of bulls engaging in pseudo-homosexual activities, shaking sand out of my nether regions. Well, despite a complete lack of internet signal, I’ve not been neglecting you lot, and I present a TRIPLE FEATURE of my movie night for your delectation.
So, for this special marathon viewing experience I have…
Ohhhh yeah, that’s a varied bunch for ya… Let’s GO!
The evil COBRA, OAS and MENTEL Corporation hatch schemes to imprison Christopher Lambert, kill the president of France and turn everyone on Earth into snakes! The Evil Jackal, Serpentor, Director Poe go about stealing babies, making poetic beefcakes blind and slowly wandering about Europe before eventually getting defeated by bozzy eyed Highlanders, hat-wearing deserters and sneezes!
WHY THEY ARE GOOD!
Meticulous planning! Intestinators! I WASSS ONCCEE A MAAAN! 187 Tattoos! Sergeant Slaughter! Sneezing! Historical pseudo-accuracy! Evil Robot Computors! Gross Plant Weapon Things! Intense Britishness! Cyborgs Incapable of handling their booze! 70s Awesomeness! 80s Awesomeness! 90s Awesomeness! Derek Jacobi in a ginger wig! ONCE A MAAAAAAN! Unauthorised Dream Sequences!
WHY THEY ARE BAD!
Inexplicable coma edit to save Duke’s life! Two hours of wandering about Europe doing nothing, prompting Gem to complain about the film being boring EVEN THOUGH IT ISN’T! Slightly naff 90s futurism! Everyone in France is British!
RATING ON THE FUDGECRUMPET SCALE OF AWESOMENESS!