So it’s Gem’s choice of movie tonight, and she’s not wanting to watch anything with guns or boobs or robots of spaceships or car chases or helicopters or ninjas. So instead, we’re watching Noah, starring Russell Crowe and his ‘historical’ mumble accent.
Based on a couple of paragraph’s from some book, Russell Crowe has dreams about standing in raspberries and going for a swim then he meets a big rock monster off of Galaxy Quest and then he goes to see Anthony Hopkins (disguised as a raisin) and then it rains and he builds a big box and then Anthony Raisin touches Hermione Granger’s tummy and makes her horny and then there is a fight and all the rock monsters explode and then some CGI water makes a big mess and then nothing happens for aaaaaages and then Russell Crowe goes a bit bonkers and blows up a little boat and Hermione has a baby and apparently this is bad somehow and Ray Winstone somehow is in this film and causes a fuss and then Russell Crowe is much more bonkers and Hermione cries and then everything is fine and everyone starts inbreeding to rebuild the human race and Russell Crowe becomes a bonkers naked alcoholic and then everyone is happy and the film eventually ends.
WHY IT IS GOOD!
It’s a bible story without anything really religious in it, it’s basically a post-apocalyptic fantasy film, but set in the past rather than the future (Pre-apocalyptic?)! Grown up and not in the slightest bit unsexy Hermione runs around shouting HAM, like every woman should! Russell Crowe goes through all the haircuts!
WHY IT IS BAD!
Inexplicable, and fairly shit rock monsters! Beard upon beard upon beard! Mummmmbledemumblemumblethecreatormumble! Evan Almighty is better! Everyone who isn’t Russell Crowe is boring or unintentionally hilarious! It’s all just fairly silly. Fake time-lapse hurts my brain! Everything after the flood is Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring and tedious!
RATING ON THE FUDGECRUMPET SCALE OF AWESOMENESS!