So, the new series of Celebrity Big Brother started last night, and I hear you screaming at the top of your voice – “WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?!?”
Well, I have done my interwebs research and spent my time in the Dairy Room and now I can tell you EXACTLY WHO IS IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. Yeah, you’re welcome.
So, without further ado, let’s MEET THE CELEBRITIES!!!!
Star of Radio One’s show that you used to turn off after Chris Moyles had finished, Jo Wiley is known mostly for playing rubbish music and talking like she has been out all night drinking Guinness. She now does a similar thing on Radio 2, which you also haven’t listened to properly.
Wife of gigantic Groot-lookalike Vernon Kays, Tess Daly has a funny voice that switches at random intervals between BBC received pronunciation and by eck i’ve shat on me whippet northern talk. She appears on Strictly Come Dancing, although I’m not sure if she’s a presenter or if she’s just there in case Brucie has a fall.
One of the Two Ronnies, from off of the olden days when telly was funny at the weekend, he also appears as the older version of Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey and The Lord of the Rings. He may also be the actor who plays Bill Oddie, but this is unconfirmed.
The voice of Darth Maul, and star of his own comedy sketch show, Peter is best known for being the voice of Driver Dan on cbeebies’ Driver Dan’s Story Train.
Star of Mamma Mia, and Les Miserables, Amanda has been trying for years to shake her cutesy image, although every film she has tried to be in the slightest bit sexy in is utter shite.
Known mainly for having bosoms and that, Caprice has appeared on Celebrity Big Brother before, just before she released a range of bras and a new book. Which is a handy coincidence I reckon.
Star of MTV from the 90s and the lyrical genius behind ‘1234 get with the wicked’, Richard’s career took a downturn when he has colonic irrigation live on the telly, and pulled all sorts of faces that made it look like he enjoyed it a bit too much. He is also possibly the one who isn’t Will Smith in Bad Boys II.
Following a botched plastic surgery operation that left her looking like a fancy armchair, Leslie is on the road to recovery and hopes to return to the glory days of Men Behaving Badly and whatever else it is she did.
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is best known for being the big monster at the end of The Mummy Returns, but it may surprise you to learn that in his early career he was an actor on the wrestling that was on Sky that you only ever got to watch when you went round to your mate Paul’s house and even then you had to turn it off when his mum walked in because she thought it was too violent.
Johnny is best known for appearing on panel shows and shouting like some sort of drunken buffoon. He also advertises tea bags with a puppet.
Embarrassed by the revelation that he may or may not have paid Claudia Schiffer to be his girlfriend or something I might have read, David once made the Statue of Liberty disappear, and flew about somehow like Peter Pan, but shit.
Star of The Iron Lady and currently appearing in Guardians of the Galaxy, Glenn has won countless Oscars, although I exaggerate by using the word ‘countless’, I just haven’t been bothered counting them.
The one who stood second from the left from Blue, Anthony has been in and out of the papers for most of the decade, and was once caught pissing onto a cash machine, having misread the ‘deposit’ function instructions.
Former model Jodie, built up a fierce rivalry with Katie ‘Jordan’ Price. Nowadays she tends to be more into body building and stuff, which has made her boobs look all weird, like those creme caramels that they have at the co-op next to the yoghurts that nobody has ever bought or eaten.
So now you know. Enjoy your next few weeks of these lovely people sitting around complaining about their lives and wondering who each other is.
Or you could just watch something else.