Live long and prosper everyone, the new series of Doctor Who starts on your telly tonight and who better than me to offer you a useful cut out and keep guide to the franchise? Don’t answer that. Also, don’t cut it out, you’ll break your computer or your phone or whatever. If you must, print it out then cut it out. Or just print it out. You don’t need my permission. Just do what you want.
Anyway, Doctor Who.
Ooh eeh oooooh
Wee war wooo
Eeeh ar ooooh.
That’s the theme tune. Obviously. Duh.
Doctor Who is the world’s longest running science friction franchise, starting in 1932, following the adventures of a doctor who theorising that he can travel within his own lifetime, steps into the Quantum Leap generator and vanishes. He awakes to find himself trapped in the past facing mirror images that are not his own and no wait that’s something else. He is our last, best hope for peace, all alone in the night. Yeah, that’s better.
The unique thing about Doctor Who is that the actors who play Doctor Who fucking hate playing Doctor Who so they tend to give up after a week or two and they have to get in a new actor to be Doctor Who. So far there have been 13 Doctor Whos.
The newest Doctor Who is Peter Capaldi, star of something on the telly and he was in World War Z where he wore a really naff jumper.
Apparently it is good that he is Doctor Who because the last two were young and annoying and he is just old.
The Doctor flies around space in his flying phone box called a Tardish, picking up people from history to help him complete his history presentation at Sam Dimas High School in order to stop his dad sending him to military school. He usually has some sort of companion, such as William Piper off of that whore program, a robot dog that was shit and Catherine Fucking Tate. His more recent companions have been a ginger scot who played a strippagram who never ever did any stripping, Kenny from South Park and a girl from the North who occasionally wore a short skirt than with no amount of freeze-framing could you see her knickers.
Besides the time travel and the strippagrams and the freeze-framing there are also scary monsters that Doctor Who kills using a Sonic Spanner, a tool that can do everything ever as long as long as something isn’t made of wood or plot. Monsters that Doctor Who has to kill include…
All of this is usually on BBC1 at 7 o clock or whatever time BBC1 decides to put it on, which they change every week to piss everyone off, usually so it clashes with The X-Factor and causes all sorts of arguments. I find it easier to watch it on the iPlayer later while eating a packet of biscuits and maybe pie.
So, now you have all your Doctor Who knowledge, you can watch Doctor Who and be all like “ooh I know all about Doctor Who, give me a sex”
Whaddya mean ‘banal clickbait’? No, you fuck off.