So. The results of that poll I did last week (last week? Maybe the week before, time flies when you’re refusing to look at poll results because you can guess the outcome) and entirely unpredictably, you’re all a bunch of bastards and chose Mamma Mia! as my next Movie Night choice. Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot. I trusted you and you’ve ruined it. RUINED IT. Ugggh. But y’know, despite it’s flaws, I’m still a big fan of democracy so I will abide by your stupid fucking decision. Mamma Mia! it is.
So, the DVD has been wiped clean (Gem and the kids have no respect for DVDs or CDs. Or transforming toy robots) and it’s in the PS3. I’m gonna do this post as an ongoing commentary, because then you’ll know I’m not cheating and just copying what happens from IMDB or whatever. I’d film myself watching it, but nobody wants to see my angry face for two hours. Not even the beard-pervy women-of-a-certain-age that I seem to gather on Twitter. No, not you. The other ones. You’re lovely.
See what I have to deal with? Fucksake.
Advert 1. The Mamma Mia! live show. I suppose that’s an improvement over the movie in that you can jump on stage and machete the singers.
Advert 2. Rock The Boat. Some shitty film with Nick Frost and Rhys Ifans on a boat. It looks painfully unfunny.
Advert 3. Burn After Reading. A Coen Brothers film starring George Clooney and some other people and Brad Pitt. I don’t like Coens Brothers films. Not even Lebowski. They’re overrated and not funny and they think they’re clever and they’re not that clever. Feel free to fight me in the comments.
Advert 4. Missed the title because wasn’t paying attention. Some shitty teen film that looks ‘wacky’ and ‘shit’ and ‘straight to DVD’. Seriously this is a lot of adverts.
Started the film. Ugh.
Some woman singing an Abba song on a boat and posting stuff.
Different Abba song now. James Bond is there, and Mr Darcy, and some other bloke from a film. in a hat.
They all have passport pictures.
The title of the film is Mamma Mia! I fucking despise that forced exclamation mark. Fuck! you!
Some girls have met on the beach and they are squealing and it all seems very forced and none of them have kissed with tongues.
The main girl (Amanda Seyfried off of Jennifer’s Body, which is a good film because the Blu-Ray box has 3D bosoms) is explaining the plot. Ah fuck she’s singing an Abba song. Well, I say singing, it’s Glee-style miming.
She is singing while running through a wood, over rough terrain. It isn’t affecting her singing at all, which is how I know she is miming. As well as the fact that her mouth isn’t doing the same words as the singing.
She is reading from a book and flapping about like she’s done the ice bucket challenge and it’s irritated her herpes.
There are synchronised taxis for some reason and James Bond and Mr Darcy have missed a boat but someone else got a boat and waved at them and then they couldn’t get a boat and the man who is the third man out of the three men appeared and said hello and let them on his boat.
Julie Walters and a woman with big teeth are on a different boat and the woman with big teeth screamed at a fish.
A tiny manchild just jumped on Amanda Seyfried’s friends and then was an annoying dick, because I dunno, that’s probably sexy to Mamma Mia! fans.
Amanda Seyfried is excited about something, not really been listening. Mr Darcy and James Bond and the other guy are in a boat and Julie Walters and the woman with teeth got off a different boat and Meryl Streep just made honking noises at them in a cowboy hat and dungarees and everyone went woo wee woo wee squeak and then they went in a land rover round some corners.
Just put the footrest up on the sofa so I am a bit more comfy.
The manchild from earlier just came by to help Julie Walters and the teeth lady and he just said their names so people know who they are if they are listening and I wasn’t.
Mr Darcy recognises the third man and explains who he is and HOLY FUCK IT’S THAT BLOKE OFF OF THOR. Who ran around in his pants and that. He is much less mental in this film. That’s probably why I didn’t recognise him.
Meryl Streep has introduced Amanda Seyfried to Julie Walters and Mrs Teeth and they are all very happy in that forced fake sort of way like they all really hate each other. Meryl Streep has an awful lot of teatowels on her washing lines.
Meryl Streep is singing now. Well, I say singing, she is miming to some sort of out-of-tune honking.
She is paying all her slaves and trying to sing and act and walk and it isn’t working. All the things in her house are falling to bits because she has spent all her money on buying ugly fish.
Now she is having some sort of mental thing about having lots of money and going to Vegas and mucking about on a boat in a big pair of curtains and she basically just looks like she’s had too much wine.
Fucking hell this is a shit movie. Damn you, the internet, for not letting Amazing Spider-Man 2 download fast enough from the Playstation Store so I could have watched that instead.
Amanda Seyfried has met Doctor Thor, James Bond and Mr Darcy and they all grinned and the camera went wiggly wobbly back and forth and they PAUSE
*I’ve been told I have to have a bath. You hold tight 10 minutes and don’t go imagining me naked*
UNPAUSE all grinned like utter buffoons. Twats. It was a lovely bath, by the way. No bubbles, mind. Otherwise I would have sent you a photo. Yeah. Er.
Amanda Seyfried has led Bond, Darcy and Thorman into a cave and Meryl, Julie and teeth are pished.
I remembered more singing in this film. There’s an awful lot of that irritating 1970s-Spielberg-esque talking over each other and laughing at nothing in particular.
Bond, Darcy and Thorman are made to live in Seyfried’s loft she’s being a bit creepy about stalking these blokes and basically kidnapping them or something.
Seyfried has made the men keep themselves a secret from her mother, because fuck knows why. There’s probably a very obvious reason. Oh look, Meryl has seen them through a hole in the wall and now she is honkmiming Mamma Mia. Which is the name of the film.
She really can’t sing. Or do any kind of slapstick acting. Mr Darcy is trying to inflate an airbed.
Now Meryl is rolling about on a roof and her slaves have popped up to accompany her and they basically just pushed her into a hole.
Meryl has discovered all the men and the exposition is happening probably, and everyone seems quite confused and annoyed and confused. Thorman is some sort of comedy idiot, Darcy is quite terrified and Bond is being a pervy smugbucket.
Meryl is running around, I think maybe crying, although I can’t tell, she’s not very good at acting in this film. OH FUCK Julie and Teeth are singing. Well, I say singing, quacking like alcoholic ducks in a beans factory. They are quacking about chicken tikka I think.
I’m not sure if Meryl is supposed to still be pissed or not. They are now feeding her drugs and spraying deodorant in her face and making her drink more and now Julie and Teeth are running to the shed where the men are and the men are hiding in buckets and that for some reason.
I imagine they’re hiding because they want Meryl to have a nervous breakdown or something.
Meryl is very cross about something or other. Now Julie and teeth have put feathers and a pirate hat on her, and oh fucksake they’re singing again. There wasn’t even any warning this time, they just started honking halfway through a sentence.
Julie and Teeth are now messing up Meryl’s bedroom and dressing up and being a nuisance and Meryl is now jumping on her bed like some sort of mentalist. I think this must be the nervous breakdown maybe. Julie just slid down a banister and hurt her minge.
They are continuing to sing with some sort of synchronised dance routine that was just abandoned in favour of some kind of slow motion nonsense. A woman threw some twigs and now all the women are chasing Meryl and waving their hands about, probably because they want to kill her. All the women are now doing the Blockbusters dance on a pier and then they all jumped in the water to their deaths.
They didn’t die.
The men try to escape, but then Seyfried put on a swimming costume and chased them and now Mr Darcy is singing and I don’t think it’s an Abba song but what would I know, I’m not an old woman or swedish.
James Bond and Thorman are joining in with the singing, well, I say singing, it’s like the singing from the Muppets movie, but with less convincing muppets.
The manchild showed up because I’d forgotten he was in the film, Seyfried is expositioning at him, but he doesn’t care, he just wants to jump off rocks and sing at her. Well, I say sing, it’s like someone who’s having throat surgery but has been forced to remain conscious, while having his feet tickled.
Seyfried is prancing about in a swimming costume, which I’m going to have to check on wikipedia to see if she’s old enough in this film to be able to do a bit of a perv at. Oh never mind, the moment’s been ruined by a hundred men in flippers.
There is a man on a jetski. Remember when jetskis were cool? Back around the time of Police Academy 5? No? Me neither.
Now for absolutely no reason, Meryl, Julie and Teeth have dressed up like Abba and are singing an Abba song. There’s not even a link to the plot now, they probably couldn’t think of a good way to shoehorn Supertrooper in. All the men are perving at Meryl, because I dunno, maybe she’s really good at handjobs or something, I don’t see any other reason why they all fancy her.
They just broke into song mid-sentence again, and all the women from this island seem to be sexually assaulting Thorman and Darcy. Bond is being a slimy pervert at Seyfried and tutting. Seyfried may or may not have told him she is his daughter.
Seyfried also does the same to Thorman and Darcy and now she has chased Thorman to the edge of a cliff and it turns out Thorman is her dad and I don’t think she is going to murder him, although that would be fun.
There is now another completely unannounced song that has nothing to do with the plot. The manchild and a bunch of men dressed as monsters have invented the party and everyone seems confused and cross and I’m still not sure why. No, wait, James Bond is her dad. Or Mr Darcy is. Oh for fuck’s sake this is confusing. What a lot of nonsense.
Seyfried has gone mad and fell over and died.
She didn’t die.
Julie just fell off a boat. Not sure why. Darcy and Thorman are possibly being gay together. That may be implied, not really sure. Julie is listening to them through the top of their boat, like some sort of shit spy off of Dinner Ladies. Thorman flashed his arse.
I’ve just hit the hour mark. There are 44 minutes left to go.
Meryl and Seyfried are shouting at each other now for some reason. Seyfried is wearing quite a low cut top.
Meryl is shouting at all her slaves again. She is a cruel boss. Bond the pervert is smarming up to her now, like some sort of rapey idiot. Meryl is attempting to silicone seal up the floor, I don’t know why.
Bond just started singing at Meryl. Well, I say singing, imagine a cow being milked, when a lightning strike makes the milking machine going into overdrive and it turns the cow inside out.
Now Bond is fastening jars to a tree. Not sure why. It makes him deaf apparently, because now he is shoutysinging. Like a mad tramp.
Mr Darcy and Mrs Teeth are on a pedalo and he jumped off and a creepy man who hasn’t been in the film up until now just made a pervy remark and now Teeth is singing at him angrily. He is probably about a quarter of her age.
Now it is being implied that she just gave him a blowjob, but in actual fact she folded his towel into a nappy because I don’t know why. I don’t really think this has anything to do with the main plot.
The song ended and all the men died.
I don’t think they died really.
Mr Darcy is wearing a life jacket and has given Meryl a cheque and he has run away now. Seyfried is explaining the plot to the manchild and she isn’t wearing a bra. The manchild is confused and repeating the plot to the film very slowly.
Now the manchild is cross at Seyfried for some reason and he has gone for a walk and Bond has shown up and is being a creepy pervert again and he is following her about and a slave just put out a dish of cakes and just stared at the camera.
Meryl is watching Seyfried do her hair and is singing. Well, I say singing, it’s kind of like when you step on a cat that has just stood on some lego that was filled with whoopee cushions. Seyfried just brushed her teeth and shaved her legs and Meryl put a plaster on her leg because she cut herself shaving and I thought you weren’t supposed to put plasters on shaving cuts but what do I know, I gave up shaving ages ago and grew a beard, mainly because I’m lazy, but with the added side-effect of increasing my twitter follower count with women-of-a-certain-age beard-perverts.
So Seyfried may or may not be confused about who her dad is. I think this may actually just be a musical, shit version of Jeremy Kyle. I’m getting bored now. Everyone in the film is having a conversation and feelings and such and it’s deathly boring. I actually miss the singing. Oh wait, they’ve started singing again. I miss the boring conversations.
There is apparently a wedding now and a donkey.
Bond and Meryl are arguing for some reason and now Meryl is singing at him. Well, I say singing, it’s like a dying clam.
There’s no dance number for this song. Meryl is just miming at Bond, who is just stood there looking annoyed with his hands in his pockets.
Meryl’s singing has evolved into some kind of honky shout mixed with a futuristic sonar device.
She has a red scarf which is the most interesting bit about this scene. I think it is deliberately trying to fuck with continuity.
Meryl has run off now and is waggling her red scarf about like a loon. Bond didn’t chase her, he just stood on a rock and shouted because I don’t think that song had any lines for him to sing.
The wedding is almost happening now, everyone looks sad. Meryl was about to tell Seyfried which man was her dad and they all stood up and everyone has realised the point of the plot and now everyone is arguing. Bond is cross because of a reason or something. Darcy is cross because of a reason or something. Thorman has just said something because he hasn’t had anything to say for a while.
So it turns out that nobody knows who her dad is, and it turns out nobody cares and Seyfried doesn’t want to get married and the whole film has been a fucking waste of time and now Bond wants to marry Meryl and he just sang at her. Well, I say singing, some sort of cockney warbling, like a terrible 1970s comedy record and they got married and that’s that.
Bond is singing again now, and everyone is looking at him like they wish he’d just stop. I don’t really know what’s happened. Oh fuck he’s still going. Everyone is laughing at him now. Not sure what Darcy and Thorman are doing now, they just look confused by all the noises.
Thorman somehow manages to pull Julie who is being a bit desperate and pissed and dancing on a table. He looks fucking terrified.
Mr Darcy is apparently a chuffing big gay man, which hasn’t been signposted at any point in the movie so that’s just lazy writing maybe. Or maybe I didn’t notice. I’m not known for my Gaydar.
The floor just exploded and everyone got wet and Mr Darcy is naked and everyone is hugging and kissing and it’s all very much like an orgy.
And before that gets too weird, it’s cut to Seyfried singing on her own and hugging everyone without nakedness or orgying or anything, which is a welcome relief.
Seyfried and manchild have fucked off on a boat now. aaaaaand… oh for fuck’s sake it’s not finished. Meryl, Julie and Teeth are singing again. There are credits though, so I should be allowed to turn this off.
I am allowed to turn it off, right?
Whaddya mean I have to watch it to the end? It’s hardly gonna end with Tony Stark telling The Hulk to stop being asleep.
They are still singing. There is glitter everywhere. I’m allergic to glitter, it makes my hands swell up. Ooh it’s finished.
Has it finished? Please say it’s finished. Oh fuck.
It’s still not finished. They’re still singing. Well, I say singing, imagine if you had tinnitus, but instead of just a high pitched noise, it was an inexplicable mixture of every noise you’ve ever hated.
Ah. It’s zoomed out. Normal credits are running now. I’m turning it off and you can’t stop me.
I’ve done it.
Remind me next time I put a vote for what movie to do to not include a fucking stupid Abba film. Or the Notebook. Because that almost won the vote too. And that’s worse than this film.
Like, if you swallowed some glass worse.
Like, if you swallowed some glass and tried to cough it back up but accidentally fell into some barbed wire and a monkey bit your thumbs off and replaced them with scissors that you keep stabbing into your crotch worse.
So, yeah. That’s it. Thanks for joining me on my odyssey of crappy shit.
I needed that bath though, I was very smelly.