So, now we’ve definitely peaked with the whole Alien and Predator franchise, let’s begin that slightly lumpy downhill slope with Predator 2.
See how I have recreated Stan Winston’s awesome Predator special effects using ham, tic tacs and a multi-pack of cheap noodles.
Yes. It is uncanny. Shush, I had to eat the ham because it was gonna go off tomorrow, also I have to give you some reason to click the link to this blog from facebook or whatever, and who wants to see me looking bored holding a blu-ray box? Nobody. That’s who. Well, maybe the beard pervert ladies of a certain age. But they’re not going to be interested in Predator 2, so that’s why. Shut up, it’s starting.
Danny Glover is too old for some shit when a Predator shows up in some sort of slightly futuristic city that is in the middle of a gang war. Lots of extremely violent and loud things happen and a lot of shouting happens and then he chases the Predator and finds a spaceship and there is an Alien skull which got everyone excited and linked the franchises together because it isn’t ok to just have easter eggs in movies. Also I’m pretty sure it’s really racist at some points.
WHY IT IS GOOD!
It’s really, really violent and nasty and it has lovely special effects! Gary Busey being an utter mentalist! Funky predator gadgetry (my favourite is the squeezy net)! The name ‘King Willy’ is repeated a lot, for some Non-Predator reason that I missed! ALIEN HEAD = FRANCHISE SYNERGY! I seem to remember the Speccy game of this was good! Or maybe it was on the Mega-Drive! I don’t remember! I was only little! SPACESHIP! “Want some candy?”
WHY IT IS BAD!
It’s boring-long! There’s not enough Predator! The future is so 90s it hurts more than a Frutopia bottle inserted up the Fresh Prince! Danny Glover is really too old for such shizzle, also very, very sweaty! Racism probably! Bill Paxton is ‘wacky’! Did I say it was boring? It’s really boring, kinda the exact opposite of the original! Even when stuff happens it happens in such a boring way! Danny Glover’s Hat! ITV used to edit this movie really badly for broadcast and it was even more unwatchable! I’m writing this as I watch and I’m trying desperately to add things to the ‘Why it is good’ section but it’s just so drawn out and slow! That fucking drainpipe scene!
And this bit…
RATING ON THE FUDGECRUMPET SCALE OF AWESOMENESS!