So now we find ourselves biting the bullet and beginning the cinematic mush that is Alien Vs Predator, in which everyone’s favourite penis–headed monsters battle everyone’s favourite vagina-mouthed space hunters.
Now obviously it won’t take too much effort to guess my opinion of this film, so tonight, for lulz I have invited Gem to watch the movie with me, and will document her observations and questions. Because that’ll be more fun than the film, right?
Bearing in mind that Gem doesn’t like any of the Alien films. Or any of the Predator films. Or any good films.
And so it begins…
– Why are they not wearing winter clothes? Why aren’t they cold? That’s the sort of thing I wear to bed.
– I can’t watch this film, they’re making me feel cold. They’re not wearing enough coats.
– (She burps) whoops. Don’t write burps in.
– Just make stuff up that I’m sayi-DON’T PUT THAT!
– (I farted) You can put your farts in if you’re putting my burps in. People will think we’re disgusting.
– Is that….. the one from The Matrix? (No, it isn’t)
– Are they outside now? Shouldn’t she have a coat on? If they’re in the North Pole, shouldn’t they have balaclavas?
– Is there a love interest in this film?
– Oh, they’re wrapped up warm now, good.
– Are they digging down to a pyramid?
-Why is she doing that? Oh, it’s a flare gun.
– Are they in the North Pole or the South?
– The baddies came in 1904? Why didn’t they make a film about that? That’d be good because it’d be historical and that.
– Oh dear.
– Awwww (a penguin) That’s cute. If it ends now, it’d be quite a happy film. Without the fighting bits.
– Is that the hole they dug or did they just dig it?
– They’re going down. Ha Ha. Write that so it sounds rude.
– It’s a little bit like Frozen isn’t it? Because there’s snow and ice and a baddy. But not really.
– I’m cold.
– Don’t keep putting I’m cold.
– Did everyone go down the tunnel or did they leave someone upstairs?
– She likes that gun, doesn’t she?
– Oh dear.
– Oh look there’s one upstairs. Bit jumpy though. You wouldn’t leave just one guy up there, oh no there’s two. Oh there’s loads of them. They could really do with Arnie, couldn’t they?
– Oh dear.
– They’ve got one of those smart watches that jess wants for her birthday.
– If that was Time Team they wouldn’t be allowed to touch that.
– Urrr don’t touch it.
– Urrr that’s just not nice.
– She’s only just been unfrozen, so how can she lay eggs so fast? Doesn’t she need a man one?
– Oh dear.
Well, she’s asleep now. That didn’t take long.
I hope you enjoyed Gem’s commentary for the first 45 minutes of the film. I’d try and wake her up for more of her insights, but I fear she’d do some murdering on me. Now, whether or not I can watch the remaining hour without her random observations to distract me, well…
To be honest, it only really picks up in the last twenty minutes, so I might play Candy Crush Saga or whatever until then.
So, yeah. I have to watch the second AvP next. Joy of joys.
*Gem DOES NOT snore and any implication that she produces any sort of honking pig noise while she sleeps is a matter for the divorce lawyers to discuss at a later date, or so I’m told.