Well, I’ve been putting it off…
and putting it off…
Well, at least if I blog about this bloody nonsense now, I can say I’ll never have to do it again. Gonna do it in a live text commentary style, because then you at least know I’m watching it and not cheating by just writing down the occasional observation that I remembered about the movie. Which I would never do. Except that one time I did. When I felt guilt. Anyway, shut up, the shit’s starting.
So I think this version is the ‘uncut’ version, with all those added seconds of nastiness that nobody missed.
A V P R in big letters.
Because writing a nonsensical title is so much cooler when you make it an acronym.
The post credits sequence from the first film there. I was asleep when that happened in the last movie. Yes, I fell asleep too, not just Gem. She seemed to think it was important that I told you that. Like it makes up for her grumbly noises.
Right, so, the Predator/Alien hybrid (for the sake of expediency, let’s call him Stuart) kills a bunch of the Predators and the Predator spaceship crashes in some woods and some face huggers catch a human kid and his dad who run about a bit and look confused.
The hunter man shooted one of the face huggers and then his arm fell off and then he got face hugged and then the little boy got face hugged.
Meanwhile on the Predator Homeworld, where everything is made of CGI and it is all a bit shit, and Pauline, the boss of all the Predators finds out that Stuart is causing a kerfuffle on Earth so flies off to Earth to tidy up.
Back on Earth, a bloke called Dallas (because one of the characters in Alien was called that, and that’s the only reason why) arrives in a small town and is friends with a policeman and they have a conversation that is boring.
A nerd is a pizza delivery boy and he has to wear a hat.
A man with a walkie talkie and a torch goes into a tunnel for some reason and meets a tramp and the dog has the man’s arm from earlier and the man with the walkie talkie is all ooooh.
The nerd in a hat delivers the pizza to the bullies, and the girl he fancies is there and he looks at her bum and then the bullies tease him. There is a main bully is the girl he fancies’ boyfriend and he is the worst of the bullies because he looks at the nerd and is like oh you ain’t comin’ in here with all that shizzle and punches him and kicks him in the tummy and then throws his keys down a drain because he is a bully. The nerd is sad.
The little boy and his one armed dad have aliens out of their tummies, and it worries some birds.
A taxi drops a lady in camouflage gear off at her house and she cuddles her husband and daughter and gives her some night vision goggles because little girls fucking love night vision goggles.
The nerd climbs through a window and the man who was friends with the policeman is his brother and they shout at each other about all the bullying because bullying is wrong.
The tramp is having a booze and his dog has seen a face hugger and it’s really dark so you can’t really see what’s happening and there’s a second tram who I didn’t notice and he gets face hugged and then the first tramp gets face hugged and then a lady tramp finds all the face hugged people and she is sad but then Stuart shows up and eats her face. Not like with kissing. Actual face eating. With teeth. I know you knew that, I just thought I’d clarify it because some people seem to like when I go off on one and forget to write about the film. You don’t? Well what the fuck are you reading this for?
Pauline has landed her spaceship in the water and it has messed with her invisibility things, which is handy because we actually get to see her do stuff. She finds all the dead Predators that Stuart did and touches everything, like some sort of old person in a gadget shop and you can’t tell them not to touch things because they’re old, but they’re just messing and touching and just fucking stop it.
The lighting in this scene is particularly pisspoor, I think Pauline is gathering supplies and blowing everything else up, but she might as well be making a cake for all I can see. Ah look, the spaceship blew up. No cake.
The little girl is using her night vision goggles now, because that won’t be useful in the film later. Her mum (the camouflage lady from earlier) is made to feel like a bad mum because she is in the army or something because that is probably some sort of character arc that might be forgotten about later because I’ll be asleep.
The nerd and his brother are in the sewers looking for the keys and apparently it smells and it’s dark and he saw an alien but only a little one so he was only a little bit frightened and then he finds the keys and the music gets loud and terrifying and nothing happens.
Lots of people are searching for the boy and his one armed dad and they all sound sad, and Pauline watches them and then wanders around a bit.
The hunter’s wife is sad and gets told to go home because oh i dunno, she needs to tidy up or something. Meanwhile, Pauline finds the bodys and then spots the walkie talkie man and then he runs away and it’s very exciting and then walkie talkie man dies because nobody gave a shit.
A waitress is sad because Walkie Talkie man is dead and then a man in a hat goes to try and find him and then they find some bodies and they take them to a man to do autopsies because not sure. He has an x-ray of a brain on one of those lit up cupboards. I’m sure he only has that up for show to pretend he’s important.
The pretty girl talks to the nerd and they flirt badly and she invites him swimming because I don’t understand really. She reveals she has split up from King Bully and then wiggles her bum because that means that the nerd is going to get some sweet lurrrrve maybe.
I’ve already written 1132 words. That’s probably more than were in the original script for this. Ah well.
Pauline is in the sewers now wandering about, being stealthy, putting blue flavoured space juice over stuff to tidy it up. Then she goes into an area of particularly poor lighting and puts little red lights everywhere and they light up and go wheeeeee and then Stuart makes a noise and all the aliens wake up and Pauline twats them to bits, although it is all very badly edited and very poorly lit so you can’t really see what’s going on. There are lots of sound effects.
Pauline makes a hole in the road then chases after Stuart and THERE’S A PAPA JOHNS.
The waitress girl from earlier who had two lines is sad. The creepy chef she spoke to gets his spine pulled out and then an alien comes and sniffs her face and then Stuart eats her face. Again, no kissing.
The little girl with the night vision goggles wakes up and puts her night vision goggles on. Because night vision goggles are important to the plot later probably.
Pauline chases Stuart to the Power Station, and Stuart kills a man whose hard hat doesn’t fit his head properly. Pauline finds the body and she is a bit sad for a minute.
The nerd meets the pretty girl at the school and they go to the swimming pool which is unlocked and she takes her clothes off and makes the nerd feel awkward and then they have a kiss and then the bullies show up. King Bully and his bully pals beat up the nerd in the swimming pool and we’re supposed to care.
Pauline continues to search for Stuart and then Pauline falls off and gets stabbed in the tummy and then tries shooting Stuart with her inaccurate gun that was 100% accurate in all the other films. Perhaps it is broken.
The bullies beating up the nerds is interrupted by some aliens showing up and eating a bully, because bullying is wrong and if you do it you get eaten by aliens. King Bully, Nerd and Pretty Girl manage to escape but the red shirt bullies get eaten.
Night Vision goggles girl sees an alien using her night vision goggles and nobody believes her but then her dad gets eaten to death and night vision goggles girl and camouflage mum escape because nobody gave a shit about the dad anyway, because he’s probably a dick or something.
Pauline killed an alien and all the people are cross because of a fire and the nerd tells his brother and the policeman about it and the brother and the policeman go to the swimming pool with torches and have a look around because fuck that i’d be on the first bus out of town, but then again i’m not a badly written movie character.
They find lots of blood and that and then go back to their car and try to call for help but obviously everyone else is busy so they run away.
The sad lady from earlier finds the dead sad waitress then runs away,
Pauline is up a tree sorting out her poorly guts and then she looks a bit cross.
The car containing all the main characters meet up with the sad lady because now 80% of the cast are in the car together so it’ll be time to kill off the most hateful ones shortly.
The pretty girl has got a vest top on now and has sweaty, well lit bosoms. They all go and get some guns and some lights that don’t seem to offer any illumination.
The army show up and run about and shout and have cameras on their heads and there is a wooo wooo wooo siren for no reason.
The army man talks to the policeman as Stuart and his aliens kill all the army men who aren’t paying attention when they walk behind them.
The army man and all the army men are all dead and the pretty girl stands in a spot of light that perfectly illuminates her decolletage. The main characters meet some shopkeepers who are a bit shit.
The camouflage lady and night vision goggles girl arrive too, so now all the cast are together.
Stuart shows up at a maternity ward and slobbers at some babies. A pregnant lady’s waters break and the nurse goes to find a doctor but instead she finds Stuart and Stuart gives the pregnant lady a snog and glugs stuff down her neck for some reason and she’s like you’re not a doctor and that.
The aliens show up and pester the main cast but then Pauline shows up and helps them but kills the two shopkeepers because fuck them.
An alien shows up and kills King Bully because bullying is wrong.
Pauline then has a fight with an alien like she does.
The doctor shows up for the pregnant ladies but they all have snot on them and they are all having lots of alien babies and then Stuart shows up and is like what are you doing here doctor I had it all under control rarr eat your head.
The main cast find the army trucks and nick all the guns and then they call a big colonel man and he is sad but he tells them where to go to escape, even though that place is right where all the baddies are properly.
It turns out the big colonel man is a creepy man in a suit and he says a line from the first Predator film so we know he is important.
Camouflage lady drives the army truck with everyone in it and they go somewhere or other.
This bit makes no sense because it’s too dark. Ooh look there’s Pauline pulling her guns off because they were broken. But now she’s managed to fix the broken bits of gun into a shotgun because that is a thing.
The main cast decide that the creepy suit man’s plan is actually a shit trap to get them to the middle of the town to blow them up or something. So they decide to go to a helicopter which is somewhere nice. The policeman is sad because he wants to go to the middle of the town but the brother man doesn’t want to and he is the main character so he is probably right so the policeman goes with some other people who haven’t had any lines or close ups or whatever so they’re obviously going to survive the film.
The remaining cast all put bullet proof vests on, because that’ll help and they go to the hospital and they all say ooh everyone protect the little girl, except the new guy who has had one line and has only just shown up so he’s obviously going to survive the film.
Everyone wanders around the hospital which has even worse lighting than normal, because for some reason it’s all flickery.
Night Vision Goggles girl uses her Night Vision Goggles.
Pauline is in the hospital too, wandering about, looking at stuff.
Someone just got killed, but it’s too dark to see who, so I’ll just assume it’s that new guy.
Stuart sneaks up on Pauline and they have a fight and some more aliens join in but they get space juice shoved in their mouths which I can tell you is an unpleasant experience.
The pretty girl gets killed because I guess she’d already shown us her bra, there was nowhere else for her to go in a 15 rated film. The nerd is cross and then finds the laser shotgun then but then Stuart kills him to death and the brother is a bit sad but then they run off.
So, for the record, the remaining main cast are camouflage mum, night vision girl and brother man. Oh, and the policeman has met up with a bunch of extras in the middle of town, but he’ll be dead soon. Oh, and there’s some other bloke as well, did the nerd survive? I’ve not been paying as much attention.
Camouflage mum is good at shooting so kills a bunch of aliens while brother man works out how to work the laser thing and he shoots a hole in some chicken wire and they run away.
The creepy man watches the telly and looks creepy.
The brother man just said ‘get to the chopper’ but in such a way that it didn’t feel in the slightest bit like a homage to Predator, it just felt like someone telling someone to get to a chopper. Brother man shoots an alien in the head with the laser and then makes friends with Pauline.
Yeah, the nerd is still alive. Not sure how that happened. He looks a bit poorly. Maybe that bullet proof vest worked somehow.
The main cast all escape on the chopper and Pauline and Stuart have a big fight but Stuart keeps hiding which Pauline keeps falling for. Pauline then takes all her weapons and her mask off because that needed to happen at some point.
The Pauline and Stuart fight continues and Pauline pulls out Stuart’s tongue monster and then kills Stuart to death and then some jets drop some bombs which kill the entire town including the policeman but not the chopper with the main characters in because they got away just in time phew.
So the nerd survived, the brother survived, the camouflage mum survived and the night vision girl survived and then some army men found them and shouted at them and then the brother man shouted at them and then they made friends and the army men got the laser thing and the night vision goggles girl says some sort of line from Newt off of Aliens and then Camouflage mum looks at the sky all angry.
Creepy suit man arrives in an office and gives a briefcase with the laser thing in it to Miss Yutani because she has the name of half of the company from the Alien films and then that’s it and I DIDN’T FALL ASLEEP AND I DID THE WHOLE FILM FUCK YEAHHH
In summary, shit.
Thanks for reading. Or not. Maybe you just read that bit.
I’ve going to go and make some toast now. See you in the morning.