Hello there all you crazy alcoholics and party revellers and Predator fans and people who clicked this blog because I have included the words MILEY CYRUS JUSTIN BIEBER BOOBS MONEY PORN HADDOCK to abuse Google searching. Tonight’s movie night continues my Aliens/Predator marathon with the much-better-than-anyone-expected Predators, which abandons the godawful shonky shenanigans of the AvP movies and goes down the route of “Why don’t we make the film actually good for a change?”
Now obviously, after the last couple of movies, this leaves me with a dilemma, how do I write an entertaining movie night blog if the movie isn’t fucknawful? Well, the same way anyone makes a good night into a messy blur of awesomesauce and vomiting, with the addition of lots and lots of alcohol.
So, obviously I’m expecting you to join in. So, here’s a shopping list before we begin…
YOU WILL NEED
Crabbies Ginger Beer
Bourbon or Jack Daniels
Chartreuse/Melon Liqueur/Green Aftershock (maybe Absinthe, basically anything luminous green.)
Some random other drink of your choice for the unidentified guy at the start
Red and Blue Smarties
Obviously, it’s only a recommended list, you’re probably not gonna have all these ingredients and you’ll only be drinking 1 shot of Sake so you won’t be wanting to buy a full bottle. Feel free to make your own substitutions, just try and make sure it’s alcoholic and not Baileys because why the hell would anyone drink that.
So, get yourself popped out to the shops and I’ll see you when you get back. Also, buy a loaf of bread for toast tomorrow. You’ll probably need something to line your stomach.
****You can find Predators for £6.99 on Blinkbox if you having difficulty getting your blu-ray out of the cupboard, maybe your cat is meowing at you***
So, Predators, it’s a movie about a bunch of soldiers, warriors and various badasses as they get trapped on an alien world, hunted by monsters and such. It’s a multicultural bunch of badasses, and herein lies the theme behind our drinking game.
In this here drinking game we shall be toasting the fallen, downing a drink in honour of the respective warrior taken down by whatever shenanigans occur. I think you’ll get the gist of things as we get on with the film.
So, get your drinks lined up, I’ll have my little clock thing going on so you know when to down a drink, and hopefully you’ll still be alive by the end credits.
0:00:00 Movie Begins. Sober, y’know unless you started drinking early. Yeah, you’re not sober.
0:03:10 Unidentified guy lands without parachute. Down 1 shot of your choice.
0:21:39 Unidentified dead American bloke who died 2 weeks ago after copying all of Arnie’s traps from Predator 1. Down 1 shot of Whiskey.
0:27:15 Weird pointy pig monster thing gets exploded. Don’t drink anything. Animals don’t drink booze. Maybe eat some meat or something. To be honest I forgot these things were in the film or I would have planned ahead. Find something appropriate in your fridge, maybe a pasty or an apple.
0:27:54 Another dead pointy pig monster.
0:28:00 And another.
0:28:21 And another.
0:28:33 And another.
0:28:40 And another. Actually, it’s a fucking good job I didn’t specify a drink for these things or you’d be falling off the sofa already. Now you’re just full of pasty or apples.
0:34:30 Danny Trejo’s Mexican guy, if not dead before, is shot and definitely dead now. Drink 1 shot of tequila.
He is dead before this point, but why spoil the reveal? Exactly. I’m considerate. Take your bra off.
0:37:01 Various dead things. All were teetotal, so don’t worry. Maybe eat some beef jerky.
0:40:10 Mahershala Ali’s guy from Sierra Leone gets stabbed to bits by Predators. I had to do some research as to what you should drink to honour his death, and it turns out the national drink of Sierra Leone is either Star Beer, some sort of Pine Liqueur or Ginger Beer. Now, unless you want to drink a Glade Plug In, I’m gonna compromise and say drink your Crabbies Alcoholic Ginger Beer now. Yes, I know it tastes bloody awful. Take your time, you’ve got well over twenty or so minutes to finish it off.
0:50:30 Weird alien thing gets shot. He didn’t drink anything, he was a being who only wanted a cuddle. Cuddle something in his honour. We shall call him Daniel Sparkles and we will remember him. #RIPDanielSparkles
1:08:06 Lawrence Fishburne’s shitbonkers survivor gets exploded to bits by Predators. Eat either your blue or red smarties, depending on how deep down the rabbit hole you want to go. And stop complaining, just because it’s been like nearly half an hour since your last drink and you look thirsty. Don’t worry, there’ll be more deaths very soon.
1:13:59 Oleg Taktarov’s Russian soldier gets zapped and then stabbed by a predator, then blows himself and the Predator up with some grenades. Down 1 shot of vodka and 1 shot of Chartreuse/Melon Liqueur/Green Aftershock. Yeah, because you were complaining about having nothing to drink for half an hour. This is what happens.
1:15:31 Walton Goggins’ American death row inmate gets zapped in the back by a predator, and then gets his spine pulled out because he was cheeky. Down 1 shot of Whiskey.
1:19:07 A predator gets chopped to death by Louis Ozawa Changchien’s Yakuza enforcer. Down 1 shot of Chartreuse/Melon Liqueur/Green Aftershock, but do it quickly because…
1:19:21 …poor Yakuza guy dies too. Down 1 shot of sake (do you drink Sake in shots? 1 glass of it? I dunno. You’re probably a bit woozy by this point and drinking it out of a coffee mug)
1:27:29 The big bad Predator kills the somewhat good Predator by chopping his head off. Down 1 shot of Chartreuse/Melon Liqueur/Green Aftershock.
1:29:20 The spaceship gets blown up. Don’t drink anything. Spaceships don’t have souls. Oh no. I just remembered Daniel Sparkles. I miss him.
1:34:05 Topher Grace’s mental serial killer guy gets stabbed in the face by Adrien Brody, then gets stabbed in the back by a Predator who thought he was snoozing, then gets blown up by all the grenades that have ever existed. Down 1 shot of Whiskey.
1:35:05 Having been blown up by all the grenades too, the Big Bad Predator then gets repeatedly twatted in the face by Adrien Brody, who is now topless and covered in mud. Cover yourself in mud or Nutella.
1:38:19 The Big Bad Predator, after being twatted around the head and shot and twatted some more, gets his head chopped off. Down 1 shot of Chartreuse/Melon Liqueur/Green Aftershock.
And so… that’s it, if you’d like to repeat the experience, some more soldiers get parachuted in, why not start the drinking game from the start? It’d be like one of those old Speccy games without a proper ending. Or you could just go and get a pint of water and have a snooze, you look like you could do with it.
Feel free to leave comments in your inebriated state, also if you subscribe to the blog somehow, that’d be nice.
See you next time for Prometheus, although I think the only thing we’ll be drinking through that is coffee to try and stay awake.
And never, ever forget Daniel Sparkles.