So, the trailer for the new Avengers movie has been leaked (or officially released, I’m no expert on such things) and I imagine by this point hundreds, if not twelves, of websites will have looked through the trailer, over-analysing every single frame and offering their ‘expert’ opinions and speculation and such. Well, obviously I’m going to do the same, but with the added addition of my knowledge and brain and fingers that type the words I type. So, without further ado, my over-analysis and expert commentary of the AVENGERS – AGE OF ULTRON trailer.
– We open on a knackered looking city, possibly Halifax or Bradford.
-“I’m going to show you something”, Hopefully it’ll be some biscuits.
– Some yellow smoke, possibly someone left the bacon cooking, or exploded a tub of custard.
– People running about, dropping boxes and stuff. Probably because they are allergic to custard.
– Angry shouting people. “Stop with the custard!”, they’re shouting. “Custard is horrible!”
– A robotic hand, covered in custard.
– Another random person screaming, possibly about custard.
-Captain America, Ted Rogers, walking about looking a bit knackered. He doesn’t wear his helmet as much as he should. Probably because he looks so much more pretty than the other Chris Evans, off of the Big Breakfast and Billie Piper.
-Hawkeye looks about, a bit confused. Like ‘where have I been for a few years, why wasn’t I even on Agents of SHIELD? Does nobody remember I was in Thor?’
-Thor waggles his hammer about and gets his cape in the way of the camera, like a dick. Fuck you Thor.
-The Avengers are all stood about on their spaceship or whatever, looking sad. Bruce Banner is sat on the floor looking a bit sad, in what looks like a jumper that he’s fidgeted with and got his arms stuck inside.
– A shit wonky robot wanders in, like he’s had too much robot lager. He’s probably drinking to offset his custard addiction.
-The Avengers, all dressed casual like, stand up and look at him.
-Shit drunk robot goes on about string and breaks an old Iron Man costume, which he will probably regret in the morning when the robot lager wears off. Robots are dicks when they get drunk.
-Iron man, stood on a mountain. Possibly looking sad, who knows.
-A big old housey castle thing. ooh.
-Captain America kicks a door in. Because he couldn’t just try the handle.
-Some soldiers run about, and machine guns get shot and some stuff explodes and random members of the public have a bit of a to-do.
-Bruce Banner wanders around in the snow with his jumper off, probably because he ruined it with fidgeting. He falls over. Stupid.
-Black Widow stands in an empty office building, looking sad. It’s probably a body double because of Scarlett Johansnonason’s baby bump.
-Some surgical stuff, because don’t know why.
-Ultron meets with Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch and they all look a bit sad. Maybe because there was no custard.
-A bunch of zombie ultrons jump out of the water and World War Z up the side of the housey castle building. Maybe they’re after some custard.
-Thor looks confused and sad with his mucky, mucky hair. Fuck you Thor.
-He drops his hammer, like some sort of clumsy twat. Fuck you Thor.
-THIS MAY. This may what? This may be good? I imagine there’s a green wiggly line under this and the little paperclip in the corner is staying it’s a sentence fragment. This may be all about custard?
-Tony Snark goes on about how this is the end of Robert Downey Junior’s contract with Marvel Studios, which is a line probably written before he decided to hijack Captain America 4.
-Nick Fury has got a new eye-patch and a beanie hat.
-Black Widow looks sad, has her baby belly cropped out of shot.
-Scarlet Witch falls onto her knees onto some rubble and cries because she forgot she wasn’t wearing knee pads and it really hurts.
-The Hulk is being a bit of a dick, so Iron Man becomes some sort of Russian doll, or Turducken with his fancy Hulkbonker costume.
-CGI Black Widow rides a motorbike out of the bottom of a spaceship. It’s obviously CGI because pregnant women should not ride motorbikes out of the bottom of a spaceship.
-Quicksilver pulls a funny face and makes Captain America fall over.
-Scarlet Witch does a little bit of red Elsa off of Frozen magic, looks a bit sad. Maybe because her knees still hurt.
-A very quick shot of Captain America going to a disco. Maybe because he was promised custard.
-Some boats. Woo boats.
-Abraham Lincoln Gollum looks confused and dirty.
-Captain America does a donut on his motorbike, like some sort of dick.
-Thor has a bath and washes his mucky, mucky hair. Fuck you Thor.
-Hulk holds hands with Black Widow. Awwwwwww
-Some army people are shooting at Hawkeye, who has a new coat that looks a lot like a dress.
-Thor strangles Tony Snark. Fuck you Thor.
-Black Widow looks confused. Which happens a lot with pregnant ladies, all those hormones messing with their brains and that.
-Hulk throws a car at Hulkbonker Turducken Iron Man. Then gives him a cuddle and makes him fall over.
-Some cars try and cuddle Captain America and he does some forward rolls and gymnastics and such.
-Scarlet Witch screams again. Seriously, she must have knelt on a drawing pin or something.
-Quicksilver runs about a bit.
-Hulk destroys a greengrocer. Which I think is fine.
-Hulkbonker Turducken Iron Man does a fistpump with Hulk because yeahhhh fuck the fruit.
-Captain America’s shield is broken. Which is just clumsy. It was probably expensive.
-Ultron says there aren’t any strings on him, which I suppose is handy, because nobody likes it when there’s a bit of string on your shoulder and it falls off and goes in your custard and your mum says “Don’t eat the custard, there’s a worm in it” and you say “That’s not a worm, it’s a bit of string that fell off my shoulder.” and then she sets fire to your bedroom and laughs maniacally as all your plastic action figures melt into a lump of fizzing smelly plastic.
–AVENGERS – AGE OF
-May 2015. Be with you. No, that doesn’t work. Also, that’s Star Wars.
-Ooh it’s in 3D. and Imax 3D. Imax 3D is rubbish, you have to keep your head completely upright or it goes all wonky and blurry. Went to see the Hobble 2 in Imax 3D and I came out of there with no neckbones.