no, it’s fine. it’s fine.
Well. It’s a review of a pepper mill. What did you expect? Some sort of veiled reference to the phallic imagery of an Italian waiter in a restaurant grinding away on his oversized wooden seasoning device? Of course not, I’m much too grown up for that. It’s YOU that has that mental image in your head now. YOU.
Anyway… The Ozeri Savore Soft Touch Electric Pepper Mill and Grinder!
That’s an awful photo, isn’t it. Certainly not suitable for a review. Here, how’s this one…
There. That’s much better if you ignore the bit on the hob where I splashed gravy and forgot to clean it up. No, stop looking at it.
Shut up with your talk of grinding phallic waiters and mucky hobs. Here’s my review. Cheeky.
This is my second ever pepper grinder. The first one I had was the loudest, most clunky piece of crap i’d ever seen, it struggled to chew up the pepper and ate batteries like they were going out of fashion (have batteries ever been in fashion?).
Not so with this pepper grinder. This one is freaking awesome.
Now there are very minor downsides that I’ll list first (not enough to remove a * but still worth mentioning).
1. You need to be as strong as an ox to open the thing to put batteries/pepper into the thing, it’s really tight. I must admit to having made several pathetic grunt noises on my first attempt to open it. Likewise, the adjuster for the fineness of the grinding needs you to put a fair amount of effort in. Best to find a setting you like and stick to it.
2. It needs 6 AAA batteries, which seems a lot, but the way this thing goes about destroying pepper I’m surprised you don’t have to plug it into the mains, it’s that good. Really, if I was a peppercorn, not only would I be unable to write this review, I’d be terrified of this thing coming near me, if I had feelings which I didn’t because I was a peppercorn.
So, it feels all soft and nice, with the same sort of texture you’d expect from a torch or fleshlight if you like that sort of thing. It’s a fairly decent weight too, although this is most likely due to all the batteries.
The adjustable coarseness lets you choose the size of your pepper grains from basically subatomic levels to… well, fairly chunky lumps of pepper, and anywhere in between. There is no way to get your fingers, hair or eyes trapped in the grinding bits and pepper seems to come out the instant you press the button (rather than a good twenty seconds or so, as with my previous grinder)
It holds a fair amount of pepper too, roughly 2/3 of one of those spice jars from Tescos.
Speaking of which…
All in all an excellent product and well worth the cash. You can head across to Amazon to get one right now, if you’d like. Or, y’know, you could just chew peppercorns and then spit them onto your food. Those are the only two options. The. Only. Two.