Bloomin ‘eck it was warm last night, wasn’t it?
Being a grumpy winter curmudgeon, I don’t sleep well in the warm. If you wanted me to sleep with my socks on, I’d call you a mad person and throw something at you.
Open a window ye great Jessie, I hear you scream in your Scottish accent. The thing is, we live opposite some sort of green countryside nonsense, trees and grass and that, and that means bugs. Midges, bees and the bane of a father’s existence – child-terrifying monster giant deadly eyeball licking spiders.
So, yeah, I’m not sleeping with the window open.
Is what I would have said last week (although last week was a bad example because it was cold). Now, though, I have the solution, a fancy DIY fly screen from http://DIYflyscreens.co.uk
Hoots mon, what is a DIY fly screen, you say? Well, for one, you’re not Scottish, so stop pretending. Two, its a retractable blind that fastens to your window or door frame that means you can keep the window open without a whole bunch of many-limbed creatures climbing into your bedroom for the sole purpose of messing with you.
So, heading across to DIYflyscreens.co.uk and you get a choice of different options, screens to fit little windows, big windows, doors, double doors and the like. It’s all very easy to use and simple. Choose the option you require, bob in the exact measurements of the window and pay yer moneys, wait a few days and then tell the missus to stop flirting with the postman when THIS shows up…
It’s a ruddy great big box! Yeahhhhh!
Wagwan wid da box, blud? You ask, in some sort of racist accent. Well, let’s open the box and have a look!
Well, it’s a piece of paper and some very well packaged things from the future. Well, not really from the future, that would just be daft. What you do have are some bits of plastic that slot together really easily, to form a rectangle, the best of all the shapes.
That’s a photo of one of the corners, because i forgot to take a photo of the complete rectangle because I am terrible at reviewing stuff, clearly. Oh, shush, you can’t do good accents.
So once you’ve made an awesome rectangle, what do you do next. If only you had somewhere to put it…
Oh look, a window. If only we’d measured it exactly and got the DIY fly screen made to exactly the right size…
Shazam, baby. An exact fit, and I mean exact. Make sure you get your measurement spot on, because the screen comes to precisely what you ask for.
It fits with double sided tape, which holds really well, these guys probably shop at better sellotape shops than me.
Pulling on the bit that says ‘pull’ like an obedient puppy brings the fly screen down, and then it clicks into place securely. Pulling on the ‘pull’ bit again releases the blind and sends it flying back up into it’s little house, perhaps if you want to throw the cat out of the window or whatever.
What’s wrong with it, you ask, not doing an accent because I told you off earlier. Well, it’s white, a greater variety of colours would be nice, and the ‘pull’ sticker is very slightly wonky. Oh, and if you already have spiders and flies and wasps and pterodactyls in your room, you’re basically trapped with them. Otherwise though, it’s a wonderful addition to the room, and it means I don’t get the 1am call of “DADDY! SPIDER!” that I have come to dread.
So now you really want one of these, yes? Well, here’s where Sexy Uncle Fudgey comes to help, because if you head across to http://DIYflyscreens.co.uk now and input the code AK7W0E6I34W you can get yourself 10% off your order. So, go and do that now. Go on.
Have you gone to do that? Hello?
Oh, you did go.
Now I’m lonely.