Hi there. Let me just… oh, you just finish that first… done?
Right then, how about you-
oh. OK. Hey! Hey! Stop what you’re doing!
FFS, sit there, shut up, put your phone down. Good.
I know you’re busy, doing eight things at once, tweeting, facebooking, organising your Pokemon collection catalogue, pointing out that I’m only listing four things when I said eight. Well, I’m gonna save you some time, stop you being busy, and making that little purple vein on your head stop thumping like that time on Ren and Stimpy that I didn’t really watch because I didn’t really like Ren and Stimpy.
I’ve got here a new app called Bullet News. It lives on your phone, just like Candy Crush or that app you use to make fart noises when your missus sits down, and it gives you up to date news in a compressed super-futuristic fancy fashion (in a short list with dots on it) from all sorts of different places.
What’s that? You have a BBC News app on your phone already and that suits you just fine? Well, how about if I told you that this fancy new app lets you get your choice of news from all the news websites, local, national and international, but without making your phone turn into an unintelligible mess of words that make your eyes hurt.
Look, I made a screenshot, which I have just figured out how to do on my phone after a year of owning it.
So, that’s your app, in lovely blue and orange. It’s on the UK news tab there, but you can choose to personalise the app with a whole variety of categories ranging from entertainment and tech news to horse racing and finance.
So, when you choose your news story, rather than taking you to the full story which you have to spend 5 minutes reading, making you late for an important corn flakes eating contest, it gives you this…
That’s a news story reduced down to a bunch of bullet points. So, bullet news, you see how they got the name then? Good, I thought you’d get that eventually.
So, according to the important information on the site, you can read up to 6 news stories in a minute from your favourite news media. Kinda like that 60 second news you get on BBC 3 before Family Guy starts, but without the curiously unsexy news journalist lady reading it without understanding what any of the words mean.
What about, say, if you had a news source that you didn’t like. For example, you don’t want to read any news stories from The Guardian, because one time they said that the country has hit ‘peak beard’ and you weren’t allowed to be sexy any more. Well, you can edit your feed, delete specific news outlets according to your preference, and get the kind of news you really, really want.
It’s all very simple, and much quicker and better than buying a newspaper, watching news on TV, waiting for Twitter to be outraged or listening to your dad tell you what’s upset him in the van two days later.
You can also sign in to make sure your news feed is the same on your phone, tablet and various devices (not your kettle), making the whole experience easier than beating a child at Jenga by kicking the table on their turn.
If there’s a downside to the app, it would have to be that I don’t like the orange they use. It reminds me of a jumper I had in 1983 that got burnt by a firework. Other than that, I’m in that awkward reviewer’s trap of not having anything bad to say about something (unlike the movie I watched last night for The Reel Deal, where I couldn’t find anything good to say. Seriously, it was bloody dire.)
You can get the app in exchange for absolutely no money from wherever iPhone people get apps, Google Play or Amazon Apps, which I expect you to do right now or as soon as you’ve finished eating that stroopwafel. Alternatively, go and check out the bulletnews.net website for all the things I’ve just said, but written in a much more grown up and less rambling manner.