Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmonth everyone.
Yeah, it’s a whole month now, didn’t they tell you? Comes after the success of Black Friweek and that. All jolly and that for the whole of December. Which means I get to be grumpy and curmudgeonly for a while longer, but it also means parties. Not just any sort of parties either, no. You have to go in fancy dress. Yeah, I know my normal fashion sense is pretty fancy, but you have to put an extra effort in if you want to go round to someone you don’t really know’s house to eat all their cheese and pineapple on sticks and mini pizzas.
What to dress up as though? This is my dilemma, what possible costume could I wear for a Christmas party that sums up how I feel about the holiday season without making me look like an utter tit?
I’ve been browsing fancy fancy dress website (the fancy dress website is fancy, I’m not repeating myself repeating myself) Tickled Pink in an effort to find the perfect outfit. Should I go for the classic fat Santa?
Too clichéd perhaps? A bit lazy? Do I really want people sitting on my knee, considering I just banged it on the blanket box in the bedroom and it’s really sore? No. Also, I’m not sure how a fake beard on top of my own beard would work. Last time I did that, I ended up gaining extra beard fluff by some form of osmosis.
How about a jolly elf? Everyone likes elves. Except Gary Bainbridge.
Yeah, that’s not happening. I can’t do clothes that jingle. If ever I become one of the gays, maybe I could get away with that, but I’m clinging onto the last of my masculinity and putting my foot down with a big macho NO for this one.
A snowman? Who wouldn’t want to dress up as a snowman? Everyone likes snowmen? With their carrot noses and their coal buttons and their subconscious need for it to be Summer so they can die?
Yeah, If I had the ability to time travel, I’d travel back in time and punch myself in the snowballs if I saw myself wearing this. No wonder they all want to melt, carrot nozzled morons.
Ok, right, what else is there? I suppose Christmas is a time to break down boundaries, let yourself go a bit. I might not be comfortable enough to get away with that elf costume, but I think I could pull off one of those sexy lady costumes. What sort of sexy costumes do women get to wear for the annual office shindig?
Yup. A sexy tree.
I guess I’ve failed at getting a Christmas costume. Let me think… silent night… no, no costume opportunities there, unless I want to offend all the Christians (again)… Good King Wenceslas… it’s an idea, and I managed to spell it right first go, so that’s a bonus, but nobody’s gonna know it…
Dammit, there has to be some Christmas related costume that is not only awesome, but also completely relevant and amazing… not a fat bloke in a suit, or a sexy woman tree, or an elf with jingle bells… jingle… bells…
Oh. My. God. How could I forget the only Christmas carol I know all the words to…
I have my costume….
And one extra touch to make it extra Christmassy…
You know the words, sing along…
Yes, I know the costume is snug. Eye contact, people.
Right then, so, I reckon I have found myself the perfect Christmas costume, there’s even a song and I got a hat to go with it. I consider this a win.
(The guy from the fancy dress shop did request I take some photos around and about Huddersfield dressed in this get up. I’m still alive to type this blog, so you can guess that didn’t happen. I mean, it might happen in the context of a Christmas shindig, but as it is, Gem refused to take me anywhere and I need her to take photos)
Soooooo… head over to Tickled Pink to get your Christmas costume sorted, they do have much more than the selection I wrote about, obviously. Also, they’re pretty damn quick with the delivery, so there is that as well.
And lest we forget, if you do fancy a bit of romance, I definitely recommend that tree costume for your missus. She would appreciate the shit out of it.
Also, as Batman, I do smell so I am going to sign off and go for a shower now. Ho Ho Ho.