I’ve always thought I was fairly skilled,
With this blog that you’ve seen me build.
Reviewing all different kinds of stuff,
Some of it clever, some of it fluff.
It’s rare for me to admit defeat,
Some things I review nearly got me beat.
That time I talked about a lady toy,
Or those undies that made you say “oh boy.”
Well this time I can say I’m beaten,
Ruined, spoiled, chewed up and eaten.
You should mark the tragic day,
I couldn’t do my review for Coloured Lenses UK.
“So, why am I doing a review in rhyme?
Do you think it’ll distract you from your crime?”
Of course I do, i must admit,
This review has failed quite a bit.
They arrived quite quickly in the post,
This service that I like the most.
A pair of lenses in spooky grey,
To make people confused, and out of my way.
See that picture, aren’t they posh?
They’re made of soft stuff, so they squish and squash.
And they come with a little tub,
And some fluid to swim in, glubba glub glub.
See those eyes, they belong on my face,
I think they make me look rather ace.
They do have a problem, fuelling my woes,
When things get too near them, they just seem to close.
Try as I might, for hour on hour,
I endeavour to put them in, using all my power.
My eyelids, this review, they wanted to spoil,
My own body’s betrayal, and I, the witless foil.
So after much time, a bit of help from my lady,
I had to give up, else cause a malady.
Prodding one’s eye is not in my skill set,
I doubt I could do it for a fifty pound bet.
Plan B was then suggested,
My ego, my pride, not to be bested.
Like the time I was ill with a poorly tummy,
I did what was right and ran to my mummy.
Now, she can work contacts, she knows her stuff,
I asked her to put them in my eyes, not too rough.
But again, my plans, they were thwarted,
Would I ever get this review sorted?
I’m all desperate for a solution,
The stress affects my daily ablutions.
I turn to mum and I ask for help,
“Will you be my model?” I kind of just yelp.
To say “job done” now, would be a pack of lies,
For as Mum goes to put the lens in her eyes,
It drops into the fire, and melts in the flame,
She scolds me for swearing when “fuck!” I exclaim.
One lens remains, and this time it’s in,
A final success, a moral win.
I take all my photos and make her a cuppa,
Then leave her alone and go home for my supper.
So, how did Mum like it? Was that single lens good?
Did it sting her or hurt her or make her cry blood?
Of course it did not, she said it felt fine,
Of course by this point she’s had lots of wine.
I think where I’ve failed is where you could succeed,
Go buy these fine products, click HERE with some speed.
Use them perhaps on a funky night out,
Or for scaring the postman, making him shout.
A bargain, these contacts, I think you’ll agree,
These grey ones you can have for sixteen quid and 99p.
There’s all sorts of colours, like green or light blue,
You could also get purple, and orangey too.
So that was the story of my reviewing disaster,
I’m sorry that could not have posted it faster.
I figured a rhyme might hold your attention,
Please share this review, maybe give me a mention.
I’ll leave you all be now, get on with your business,
Be grateful my blog isn’t all about fitness.
I hope to review some more random stuff soon,
Perhaps a new toaster, or a hat like a spoon.