Here is a list of things I have thought about while battling the mixed feelings of meat sweats and excessive sugar consumption this Christmas. Hooray!
1. THE SNOWMAN AND THE SNOWDOG IS THE SAME MOVIE AS JOHN WICK.
Some bloke’s dog dies, he goes off and causes a fuss, gets a new dog. Sure, some of the stuff in the middle is a bit different, but there you go.
2. PEOPLE WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT STAR WARS SPOILERS ARE THE WORST FOR POSTING STAR WARS SPOILERS AFTER THEY’VE SEEN STAR WARS.
Maybe they were just pre-emptively cross at their own cuntishness.
3. THE NEW ARRANGEMENT OF CADBURY’S ROSES, WITH THE DIFFERENT COLOURS AND NEW TYPES OF CHOCOLATE HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING.
Seriously, what has happened to them? They’re just bloody horrible now, and the little instruction booklet is tinier than ever.
4. I STILL DON’T LIKE MICHAEL MCINTYRE.
Gem made me watch his Christmas Special. He just says things that exist and then repeats that thing slightly louder until people laugh. HE JUST REPEATS THE THING SLIGHTLY LOUDER UNTIL PEOPLE LAUGH.
Gem thinks I’m jealous.
5. SELECTION BOXES ARE JUST NAFF NOWADAYS.
They’re not even boxes anymore. They’re just flimsy plastic bags containing five under-sized chocolate bars. They don’t even have colouring-in pictures on the back.
6. LISTS OF THINGS THAT EXIST ARE A REALLY LAZY WAY TO GET PEOPLE TO LOOK AT YOUR BLOG.
I mean, look. I’ve barely written ten paragraphs and bobbed in some googled up GIFs and you’ve already shared it with your friends, like some kind of horny sheep. You haven’t? Yeah, well, you’re gonna.
Go on then. Be on your way.