Hello you. You alright?
Of course you are, shut up.
Beards seem to be considered a good thing nowadays, amongst all the lazy shavers and horny women of a certain age. I have a beard. On my face. But enough about me.
Here is my guide to professional bearding, presented in a number of bullet points because that means I don’t have to concentrate as much on grammar.
1. What is a ‘beards’?
A ‘beard’ is hair grown from the lower face of a man, that covers most of the chin. In addition to a beard, there may also be a ‘moustache’ above the top lip. In fact, this is pretty much an essential for bearding, unless one is bearding in an amish society or wearing a stovepipe hat like that bloke off of that film that one time.
2. Can wimmins not grow beards? #everydaysexism
Women tend to be unable to grow beards naturally, and even when this is possible, society tends to frown upon it. However, if you are a woman and you are able to grow a beard, I won’t stop you or shave you while you sleep. Not unless you want me to, in which case I charge £25 per hour, plus travel expenses, and I will eat all your biscuits.
3. Are there different types of beards? Is there a catalogue or something I can choose from?
There are many types of beard, however many of them are very silly and I don’t want to list them. Have a look on pinterest or on one of those posters that they have in ‘cool’ barbers shops. Or get yourself a copy of the B.I.G. Ultimate Beard Guide book (see below).
4. How do I grow a beards?
Growing a beard comes in a number of stages, which gives me the opportunity to write a list within a list, which is not at all professional.
Decide you want to grow a beard. Do you want to grow a beard? That’s a good start. Don’t shave.
Survive the itching. After 3-4 days your face will start to itch. The itching will last approximately a week and it will be the worst thing ever. It is definitely worse than childbirth.
Check your face. Do you look stupid or murderery? If the answer is yes, shave it off, you have failed at bearding and are no longer a man.
Trim your beard. Using beard trimmers or those attachments you got with that electric razor you never use, tidy up your beard carefully. Create a nice shape and chop any mad random hairs that are trying to escape. The aim here is to have a sexy beard, not to look like a mad hermit.
Maintain your beard. Shampooing and conditioning your beard is always a good idea, as long as you keep your mouth shut when doing so. I also recommend a bit of beard balm to help maintain the condition, more on that in a minute, if you happen to ask that question.
Post photos of your beard all over the internet. There’s no point having a beard if the mad people on the internet can’t see it. I use Twitter and Instagram mostly, as the people there are not at all crazy mad beard perverts and may even be reading this.
5. What is beard balm?
Ah, I’m so glad you asked. This Q&A style blog is very contrived, I know. Beard balm, specifically B.I.G. Regal Vanilla Beard Balm, a fancy mix of Beeswax (from Bee Candles), Shea Butter (from Shea Cows), Vitamin E (which is 2 better than Vitamin C), Argan Oil (from Space), Jojoba Oil (from Darkest Africa), Vanilla Oil (from Ice Cream) and Grapeseed Oil (from Grapeseeds, maybe).
This stuff is lovely, it smells like fancy candles and it stops you having mad tramp hair, controlling stray hairs that don’t want to conform, keeps your beard soft for kissing ladies unless they aren’t in the mood because you didn’t do the washing up, and hydrates and replenishes your facial fuzz in some sort of mad science way.
With every little tub of Beard Balm, you get a free eBook called The Ultimate Beard Guide, I imagine it’s pretty much what I said earlier, but written by someone who is actually good at writing, who perhaps hasn’t got most of his blog followers from posting a photo of himself in see-thru underpants or reading erotic stories quietly.
You can get yourself (or your man if you are a wimmins) some of this B.I.G. Beard Balm by going HERE, and if you insert the code BEARDPRO at the checkout to get 10% off your order. (If you’re an American in America, you need to follow THIS LINK because, I dunno, you’re too fancy for British Amazon)
6. Anything else we need to know?
Oh, yeah, you can follow the lovely ‘Stylish Gentlemen’ at B.I.G. (it stands for “Being Incredible Gentlemen” and they encourage all men to be the best that they can be, like good at darts and that, probably) on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. I imagine most of you lady beard perves would want to follow them for the steady stream of Bearded Mans Photos they seem to post a lot of. I’d post more photos of my own beard, but heck, you already follow me on Twitter, you’ve probably seen my beard so much you don’t even notice I have a beard anymore.
6. Is that it? Can we go now?
Yes, that’s it. You can go now. Bye.