So NASA has scienced up a new ninth planet to replace Pluto, because they decided Pluto was a bit shit and that. Well, they’ve theorised that a planet is there, they’ve not actually said anything definite, but the media is all excited because a new ninth planet will mean all the pub quiz books from 5 years ago don’t have to be chucked into landfill.
Apparently it is ‘slightly to the left’ of Pluto and is 10 times the size of Earth. Which is nice.
All the newspapers have photos of the new planet too, despite nobody having found it yet, which probably means it has a super injunction like that time that footballer did the dirty with his sister in law or whatever.
The big thing that needs to be done now is to decide on a name for this new planet. Now, I am a scientist, obviously, (I wore a lab coat once and have started many fires) so I think we can use the previous planets as inspiration for the new name.
So, planet 1… Mercury
Named after that metal that if you get it on your skin you go fucking bonkers.
Planet 2… Venus
Rhymes with penis. Women come from here. Named after a razor with a fat handle.
Planet 3… Earth
Named after mud, also called ‘The World’ because humans are self-important arseholes.
Planet 4… Mars
Named after a chocolate bar that Mick Jagger put in a lady. Men come from here, which explains the mess.
Planet 5… Jupiter
Named after a Jewish man called Peter. This planet has a big red spot, just like Peter. Peter needs to see a specialist
Planet 6… Saturn
Has rings so it looks like one of those moon bouncers off of the 80s. Not named after anything cool because it just looks awesome. Kind of like when really hot model types have old lady names.
Planet 7… Uranus
Named after your anus. Some people keep trying to pronounce this differently to try and make it not sound like your anus, but these people are boring killjoys.
Planet 8… Neptune
Named after a fish and chip shop in Pontefract. They do a family meal deal for £10 and are closed Mondays and Tuesdays.
Planet 9… Pluto
Named after Mickey Mouse’s dog, the same species as Goofy, but unable to speak and treated like a pet. Basically a showcase of the inequality and segregation of the Disney universe.
Planet 9… ???
Based on these findings, we can go with the only obvious solution. The Ninth planet is henceforth named…
Tell your mum.