Hello!

Let’s write some words based upon 3-word topic suggestions by the people of twitter!

Let’s not get stroppy when some of the people can’t count to three!

Furious Bloggery!

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1. Picking Locks Easily

So, if you know me well, you know that in real life, my grown up job is that of being a locksmith. It’s not a bad job, every day has something different to do, and there are all kinds of funny stories that I could tell another time.
The problem with my job, besides the terribly pisspoor money, is that poor quality fiction, movies, tv shows and the like have left behind all sorts of nonsense ideas about locksmithing that again, could fill an epic blog post in itself.
After ‘Skeleton Keys’ and the use of TNT, picking locks is one of the major bits of bullshittery that I constantly get asked about. Yes, some locks can be picked open easily, mainly shitty old cupboard locks. Most of the time, it’s just too much of a f*cking faff and I lack the patience or finger calluses to be bothered.

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So, if you’re after lock picking tips from me, you’ve come to the wrong guy. I can tell you where to drill to open a whole bunch of safes, but I have vowed not to use my powers for evil and that stripey jumper and bag with dollar signs drawn on the side kinda makes me suspicious.
If you do want to hear some ‘exciting’ locksmith anecdotes or whatever, either get in touch with my dad or pester me about it constantly until I give in.

2. Anti-bullshit Bull Shit

Well, after some creative hyphenating/spacing to obey the 3-word rule, Anti-bullshit Bull Shit.
I guess this topic could be an excuse to talk about politics, society and the bias of the media. It could.
In this case it doesn’t though, because I’m tired.
Instead, I offer advice.
If ever you are faced with an extreme bullshitter, don’t try to argue with them, don’t try to reason with them, just do what I do…

3. A Bearded Summer

I’m a winter baby, preferring the colder days and darker nights, when I get to sit inside on a Saturday and play video games, rather than catching tetanus from the rusty bench at the park or play dogshit hopscotch taking a walk around Huddersfield. You might consider this unsociable but I counter by allowing you to leave me alone because I hate you.
Having a beard in Summer presents all manner of extra problems including a constantly sweaty neck, looking like a Victorian age strong-man and other reasons I can’t think of.
However, I present this as the best reason for me not shaving off my beard…
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…also I’d lose a shitload of twitter followers, and that’s even more unsociable.

4. Holes In Socks

All my socks have holes in. Gem apparently seems to think this means I need to buy new socks. She is obviously mad.

5. Middle Lane Hogs

I do spend most of my days on the road, albeit in the passenger seat tweeting (the joys of working with your dad, who is a terrible passenger/control freak) but we do spend most of our time driving stuck behind middle lane hogs. I don’t really understand why they do it either. Is it some desire to have equal amounts of road on either side in case you suddenly have to swerve to avoid, I dunno, an otter stood in the middle of the road? I imagine there is some sort of cure to this, involving a sledgehammer and some kneecaps. I shall investigate options and get back to you.

6. Projectile Baby Vomit

I’m fortunate enough that Darcey isn’t a very (touch wood) vomitty baby as yet, and every time she’s thrown up so far it’s been on Gem. Still, that baby formula/biley milky smell makes me gip at the slightest whiff, so in the even a baby upchuck does occur I’m basically a useless dry hurling mess in the corner.

In an attempt to make this blogpost a little more fun, I was going to add a GIF or YouTube clip of some baby vomit moments, but it turns out it’s not just the smell that makes me feel queasy, so that’s a swiftly abandoned Google search right there.

Here, have a GIF of me eating a bacon sandwich instead…
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7. Flip-Flops with Jeans

https://twitter.com/_hell_is/status/731098259456962561

Had to do some more creative hyphenation again, because people don’t understand how to count to three without getting overexcited and splurging themselves to four.

I’m not a fan of flip-flops, they make my feet sweat and that brief moment when you take a step and the flip-flop leaves a gap between itself and your foot? That’s when people could stick drawing pins in under your foot. THAT IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN.

Sure, it might not happen, it’s extremely unlikely, but that is why I don’t wear flip-flops.

With jeans? Well, I dunno, I suppose flip-flops only really work with shorts or one of those man-skirt sarong things. Maybe. Don’t ask me, I’m not a fashion guru. In fact, I just gave up halfway through an online freelancer test for a fashion blog because they had all sorts of stupid questions about filename keywords and words you should NEVER use so you can project the ‘voice of the site’. There was a powerpoint presentation to accompany the quiz.

8. Accounting Text Book

See, now they can’t even stretch to three words, I have to add spaces. This is why you should never give Twitter people instructions. Bloody useless.

Anyway, I do10n’t know much about accounting, despite doing the books for my job for about 12 years. This year was the first year we let Joanne the accountant do it for me. It is so much better, because now, not only do I not have to muck about with the horror that is Sage Accounting, I also don’t have a mancave full of paperwork. Which means I am able to get more toys and tat. Then again, my current influx of chinese crap nonsense  has kind of filled up any space left by paperwork. Damn it.

9. Shrub and Train

To be honest, I think Clarey is just naming things that are in her direct line of vision. Hm…

10. Horse Chestnut Trees

Conkers.

I used to love conkers, but then the big kids used to cheat by dipping their conkers in vinegar overnight or varnishing their conkers or making a fake conker out of adamantium and painting it to look like a conker, so their conkers would destroy my perfectly adequate non-enhanced conker.

I used to love conkers.

Sigh…

11. Jim’ll Fix It

Does that still count as three words? It’s kind of four words. Please leave a note in the comments if this is counted as three words or four. I think it’s perhaps three and a half words.

I never used to like Jim’ll Fix It, mainly because the show was really boring up until the last five minutes, but also because everytime it was on, my dad would tell me the story about the time he saw Jimmy Savile and shouted “Hey Jimmy” and Jimmy Savile ignored him. This apparently makes Jimmy Savile the worst person in the world. All that other stuff he did is just bonus badness.

If I was to write into Jim’ll Fix It nowadays, I’d probably ask him of a decent way to monetise my blog, because asking you to buy me a coffee just isn’t bringing in the bin lorries full of cash I expected (and not just because it works on Paypal and doesn’t work with cash, before you get pedantic)

12. Holidays in Spain

I haven’t been on holiday abroad in years, as Scarborough is cheaper and they have a HMV and a sword shop there. I’m under the impression that Spain is actually a really rubbish place to go on holiday lately, as it is too crowded because holiday makers don’t want to go to places like Turkey or Greece because of refugees or something ruining their sunbathing.
The main reason I wouldn’t go on holiday to Spain is because I suffer from a condition where if I am talking with someone with an accent, I end up copying the accent badly when I reply to them and then they think I’m taking the piss. So that is why I don’t go to Spain. They would fight me in the head.

So, that’s your lot for this Furious Bloggery nonsense that I was supposed to write in a fevered rush yesterday to stop myself being stressed out (grown up reasons, very boring) but I ended up finishing off while waiting for Megan to do her dance class (in the effing freezing waiting room rather than the comfy cafe, because they switched off the wifi in there)

Anyway, thanks for either reading all of this or scrolling to the end of the post just to read this closing paragraph.
Like me, Follow Me, Coffee Me, Patreon Me (but don’t tell your friends about that yet because I’m not sure I even think it’s a thing I want to do) or Share this or Leave a Comment or whatever. I’d like that.

Bye.

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