Hi. This is me from the future. Well, kind of. I’m still writing this in your past, but relative to most of this review I am in the future, with a fairly atrocious headache and infinite regrets.
Anyway, past me got sent a bunch of beers from beer52.com to review. I don’t like beer and this morning I like it even less. In my 36 years and 11 months on this Earth, I have drank about 2/3 of a bottle of beer (1997, cheap stuff from Morrisons), and I didn’t finish it because it was horrible.
Yet for some reason when the review site I visit has an assignment for beer52.com’s monthly subscription craft beer club, the voices in my head decided “ooh that might be a good idea, I could do it as some sort of ‘beginner’s guide to beer’ thing”. The voices in my head are always wrong and want me to suffer.
But, they sent me the beers, and I had literally nothing better to do because Gem was watching the Apprentice final, so here you go…
All bold and italic stuff was prepared beforehand. The rest is a direct copy and paste from my review notes. I apologise in advance.
In the box, which is couriered across monthly you get 8 different beers, a copy of fancy beer magazine Ferment and a little bag of chilli flavoured seeds.
I’m not entirely sure if the seeds are supposed to last the whole 8 beers or if they’re just a nice treat for when you open the box, but they exist and there you go.
They actually taste quite nice and have a picture of some kind of hand puppet chicken on the packet, so I imagine this is the high point of the evening and things can only get worse.
The magazine is quite hefty, I haven’t had a read yet but I am going to put it by the loo so it will definitely get read. It has an article about sherry in it.
Beer #1 – Mordue Brewery ‘Krampus’
Malt forward yet dry traditional German amber ale featuring herbal Hallertau hops… Serve cool. Not chilled.
This tastes like I would expect punishment from a goat demon Santa would actually taste like. It tastes a bit like medicine mixed with bad gravy and has an aftertaste of roadkill. Maybe I need to try more beers before I can offer a decent critical analysis. Yes, definitely more beers will help. I still don’t like beers though.
I do like the movie Krampus though. It is just the right level of silly.
Beer #2 – Ægir Bryggeri Littlebro Session IPA
Brewed between the Fells and the Fjord in spectacular Flåm, Norway
This one is in a can and has all those weird Norwegian letters that they use in Thor. With dots and that and squished up As and Es that you pronounce like one of those noise tubes that you turn and it goes Auauaueuea and then turn it the other way and it goes aeueuauaua.
I don’t drink fizzy pop so i am shockingly unskilled at drinking things out of a can. I kind of pull a weird duck sec face and usually dribble it all down my chin.
This one still tastes bad and is a bit fizzier I think so I don’t like that because I just said I don’t drink fizzy pop don’t you listen?
Just did a big burp. It tasted of how beer smells.
Beer #3 – Santa’s Private Reserve Ale ‘Rogue’
This one doesn’t have any blurb it just has a warning about pregnant ladies not drinking beer and don’t drink and drive and apparently in some states of the USA you get between 5-10 cents back from returning the bottle.
This is a shitty drawing of Santa it looks like something my dad would draw on top of something I started doodling because he thinks he is helping and he isn’t becauss it is a shit Santa and I think his probportions are wrong. The bottle says Dare – Risk – Dream and it tastes like toilets. But a posh toilets not a dirty train station toilets. Actually this os nice because you can get money back if you take the bottle back to America but I think the bus fare and plane fair would make it not profitble. I’m fine.
Beer #4 – Toøl
“Fuck Art – The heathens are coming.” Be afraid! Be very afraid! This puppy is twisting history. It is a grissette from back in the days when Morher Nature was a young stud – twisted with a smack load of hops and fermented with brettanomyces.
This has a ridiculous label that makes me think that hipsters would drink this with beards and round glasses and it tastes not too bad I guess that must be the betantomocynerses. The babel is mostly blank so i might draw my own pictuee on it. It is 5.4% which is good i expect. This one is funny. Not ha ha or ja ja if you are Spaim.
Beer #5 – Wiper and True -Berliner Weisse Mimosa
This Berliner Weisse combines a traditional kettle souring method with a soft malt base, magnificent fruit notes from the hops and a twist of orange peel to deliver a tart, refreshing beer.
Wiper no wiping. Wiper no wiping! This one has a wimill on it and it taste a bit fruity compare to the ones that don’t. It is not as booze as the others I think because it taste less booze. It is make in Bristol which is nice because that is where my nan is. I don’t think she makes it. Mimosa mimosa mim. Mim. Swiper is a fox in dora the exploradora andyou say swiper no wiping to stop him stealijg things. Fucking fox. Dora is a Mexico.
Beer #6 – Brewdog ‘Santa Paws’ Christmas Scotch Ale
This 4.5% decadent scotch ale is a robust malty beer packed with flavour, at a strength you can drink all (Christmas) day long.
This is a baby scotch ale which means it is Scottish. But if you say someone is scotch when they are Scottish they get cross so I font know why they did that. Maybe they want to annoy the Scottish people. Have yoj sern the movie Santa Paw? It is shit and Gem likes it but she doesn’t know SHE DORSNT KNOW
Beer #7 – The Flying Dutchman Nomad Brewing Company ‘Flower Power Hippy Dippy All Things Pretty American Amber’
Brewed with Centennial, Galaxy, Mosaic & Tettnang hops. Matured on a bed of Hibiscus flowers.
This taste like don’t know because my mouth is floop. Hfnn. Can’t say name if beer becauae it is so long. It definitely tasts loke it has beeb matured pn a bed of hibiscuc flowets i can tsll. Imf lying i dont fucking know. Augocorrect had stopped working why doesnt it know what to erite.mm? I’m fine.
Beer #8 – Mikkeller – Session IPA ‘Mosaic’
After a night of drinking together in Copenhagen, the founders of Mikkeller & Beer52 decided to brew a beer. Let’s toast to their new friendship.
Ehy is he eatibg a pine cone? DONT Et pine cones you stipix idiot yhey are poison! I dont know if beer this why the feaso byg then jt ks hv b bb s i am revew beees.
Not bees bbers beers.
I ate the sedes; .
Aaand I’m back FROM the future. I suppose the moral of this story is that I am a lightweight and Sunday night is not a good time to review a box full of fancy beers. However, if you do like beer or know someone who does, why not give them the gift of a beer52 subscription box.
For between £21-24 a month (depending on the length of subscription you choose) giving you a box of eight fancy bottles of headache every month, kind of like a Lootcrate but with more beer and fewer Pop Funkos.
As a special treat for all you sexy fudgecrumpet.com readers, if you enter the code FUDGECRUMPET10 you’ll get yourself £10 off your first order. Ain’t I good to you? Yes, I ain’t.