Hello there. You looked all confused just now when I said Star Wars so I thought I’d help you understand just what the nerf herding hell is going on with the 40 year movie franchise that you just basically ignored until your kids started asking for the toys.
So I present to you, my guide to the latest installment in the Star Wars Universe, Rogue One. Be aware, while i will do my best to avoid spoilers, I may deliberately ruin the movie for you.
“What number is this one? I saw Episode 7 last year and I am confused because this one seems to be before that and I just don’t know.”
– This one is set between Episodes 3 and 4. Think of it as 3.9, or as a kind of flashback thing like that episode of Friends set just before they met when Monica was fat and Ross and Phoebe almost did a sex on the pool table.
“That main character Jim or Gin or I don’t know looks a lot like Ray or Rey from Episode 7, which is my favourite because it is the most original one. Are they related? Is Jimginbin Rayrey’s mum or sister or something?”
– Yes. They are the same person, because they both have eyes and hair and skin.
“That CGI man who in charge of that big round space ship looks familiar, who is he?”
– He is Whoopee Goldberg’s ex-husband, revived from the dead using computers and snapchat face swap filters.
“I like the space ships and the lasers and things. How can I hear all their pew pew pew noises in space when space is a vacuum cleaner?”
– Star Wars is set ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away’, which is before space lost all it’s air and you could still hear things. Duh.
“I SAW R2D2 AND CP30! Are they in the other movies too?”
– No. They are not in any Star Wars movies. You have imagined them. They have previously only appeared on lunch boxes or on the telly promoting the movies. No, really, you don’t need to check. I am an expert.
“My favourite character is Dark Vader. Where does he come from?”
– Darth Vader is the son of Liam Vader, who was the main bad guy in episodes 1, 2 and 6. Keep listening to Rogue One to hear some Stormtroopers talking about how scary he was with his extra fingers.
“I’ve been told there are lots of easter eggs in Rogue One. Can you list them?”
-Yes. There are many easter eggs in Rogue One, including 4 literal easter eggs used as space ship models in the final space battle. Keep an eye out and you can just about see a Cadbury Dairy Milk one, just before an X-Wing is blown up.
“I like it when they fight with the light savers. Why isn’t there many light savers in this film?”
– There are very few light sabers in this film because it is set just before Christmas and all the shops have sold out. That is also why BB8 is not in it.
“How many Star Wars movies are there, and what order should I watch them in?”
There are 16 Star Wars movies. Here is the viewing order…
- Episode One – The Phantom Menace
- Episode Two – Attack of the Clowns
- The Clown Wars
- Dr Cornelius (or ‘How I learned to stop worrying and love Ponda Baba’)
- Episode Three – Revenge of the Sixth
- Moulin Rouge One
- Caravan of Courage – An Ewok Adventure
- Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
- Episode Five – The Empire’s Stiped Back
- Episode Four – A New Hoth
- Battle For Endor
- Jabba’s 15-Day Abs and Groin Workout Plan
- Episode Seven – The Fourth Awakened
- Jaws IV – The Revenge
- Episode Six – Regrets of the Jedi
- The Star Wars Holiday Special
“Whatever happened to Jar Jar Binks? He was hilarious.”
– Just fuck off.