The Evil Genius of Baby Clothes Designers

Posted: January 1, 2017 in Fudgecrumpet
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Of all the mad scientists of the world, the most vindictive and spiteful are those who design baby clothes. If you’re a parent, I’m sure you’ll agree. They allow you between 3-6 months to get used to the ease of fastening a baby into an outfit with the ergonomic use of poppers but once you hit that 6 month point, the gloves come off and these evil geniuses work tirelessly to make undressing and dressing your wiggling poop/noise creature the most awkward and annoying task known to man.

Examples of their evil geniusness

The arrangement of fasteners

0-6 months… a simple line of poppers at the base of the garment, uniformly correct across the entire age range of clothing.

6 months+… a Krypton Factor puzzle combining buttons (see below), poppers and zips that deliberately avoid any common sense pattern, and require baby to be twisted and bent into an outfit in much the same way one would fit a replacement fuel injection system into a Seat Ibiza.

Buttons

0-6 months… awww look, they’ve included a cute, oversized button fastener. The button is about the size of a dish and is easily used.

6 months+… the tiniest buttons, accompanied by even tinier holes, barely big enough to be held by an adult hand, even with the dexterity and skill of someone who hasn’t spent the past 6 months on 3 hours sleep a night.

Pockets

0-6 months… teeny tiny pockets that nothing could possibly fit into. Purely aesthetic. Pretty

6 months+… Some sort of magnetic void that attracts every crumb, every squishy lump of chewed up rusk, the ebola virus and a small cow and is completely immune to even the strongest of washing machines.

In conclusion, because I have got to do the washing up, these baby clothes designers are clearly megalomaniacal despots who need to be stopped before they completely destroy whatever sanity remains in my head, that hasn’t been replaced with spongey goop following the Christmas kerfuffle. Yes, there is some left.

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