Transformers – Robots In (Crap) Disguise

Posted: Jul 19, 2017 in Fudgecrumpet
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Everyone ever who I have ever known loved Transformers as a kid (except Gem. And you probably, you bloody contrary bastard), what with Optimus Prime and Megatron and such being robots that transformed into vehicles and guns and things so they could disguise themselves and not get an ASBO or whatever. You know what I’m on about, yeah? They go ch-ch-ch-chh-ch-ch-chu when they transform? One them turns into a tape player? Oh stop teasing me, you bloody do know.

So what I’m gonna do is a Buzzfondle-esque type list on Transformers that fail to live up to their ‘Robots in Disguise’ tag line by having completely shit disguises as their ‘alt mode’.

1. Metroplex

Metroplex is a ruddy massive robot that transforms into a city. Yes, like the building robot from the movie Big, he turns into a mishmash of gun emplacements and towers. 

Let’s not even start on scale issues…

All well and good if you want to fight baddies and have a base, yes, but as a disguise? Nobody is going to accidentally TomTom themselves down the road and go “Ooh there’s a gigantic metal city.” “Don’t worry dear, it’s just Ipswich” “Ah they must have gotten that redevelopment grant from Lottery funding”

Bloody stupid. 

2. Cosmos

Cosmos turns into a flying saucer like off of Fox Mulder’s iconic poster. I mean, exactly like that. People are probably going to be more aware of him in his stupid bloody UFO mode than if he was just a robot who hides behind a tree. That his robot mode is that of a useless looking fat bastard doesn’t help either.

NOTE – Apparently his disguise did prove useful one time when the Mars Attacks martians decided to invade Earth, but we don’t talk about that because of yellow rubber wellies.

3. Pretenders

You’d think hiding inside a human body would be a fantastic way for a Transformer to hide amongst the people of Earth. Nobody is going to question a gigantic 15 foot tall… person… wearing… futuristic… space… armour… oh.

Well, at least from far away they look alright. Could be… worse… oh…

Oh good grief…

At least they’re not trying to be in disguise as an equally… huge… monster… wearing… futuristic… space… armour…oh… what good is that as a disguise? Ridiculous. 

I’m sure there’s a perfectly valid reason for that, it’s fine at least they’re not disguised as… a… heavily… armoured… pig.

Well that’s enough of that.

4. Scrounge

Veterans of this blog from back before I was interesting will remember that Scrounge is one of my favourite Transformers. Why? Because he’s shit. He also transforms into a wheel.

A wheel. Yup. Stupid disguise. Only useful if he had to hide in a room full of wheels.

He does have a special finger though, so I’ll let him off.

5. Scourge

Not to be confused with the last guy, but deliberately placed directly after him in this list to confuse you, there’s this guy from The Transformers The Movie. 

He transforms into something that is supposed to be a spaceship hovercraft thing but really… well, is he a bar of soap? An iron? I have no clue.

Actually, I think Gem might have one of these in her knicker drawer. USB chargable.

6. Injector

This guy is half fish, half wasp. Like a bloody idiot. What bloody use is that. You’re gonna see it and just hit him with a shoe. Prick. Where would he even go, he doesn’t have the fins to swim and that ridiculous head is gonna completely ruin his already slightly wonky aerodynamics. 

No. Just, no.

Right I’m cross now, I’m gonna go and sit down and have a nice ice lolly…

Oh for bloody hell’s sake!

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Massive thanks for help with this article go to Chris McFeely, who knows more about Transformers than anyone else ever. He is currently doing a beginners guide to Transformers stuff on the YouTubes, which is really interesting, even if you’re a normal person.

Also thanks to Matt Clarke, who is my 3-days-older-twin-from-a-different-lady’s-dingaling. He does all kinds of things for The Old Oilhouse, which does all manner of podcasts and things that you might enjoy. Or might not. Although you’ve read this stupid article all the way to the bottom so you more than likely will.

That’s it. Bye then.

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