Fudgey’s Essential Guide To The Marvel Cinematic Universe

Posted: April 25, 2018 in Fudgecrumpet
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With Avengers: Infinity War coming out in the next couple of days, I thought I would do what any whorish mediocre interweb content creator would do, and EXPLAIN SOMETHING THAT YOU COULD JUST WATCH IF YOU WEREN’T JUST SO BLOODY LAZY OR BUSY OR WHATEVER.

So, here is my guide to all the Marvel Cinematic Universe stuff so you are up to speed in time for the new film.

You’re welcome.

IRON MAN

A rich bloke builds a romper suit. He ends up fighting a rich bloke in a bigger romper suit. He wins because the bigger romper suit doesn’t have a seat warmer.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

A scientist is the Hulk. He ends up fighting a soldier who is a bigger Hulk. He wins by clapping.

IRON MAN 2

A rich bloke with a romper suit mucks about. He ends up fighting a bunch of robots. He wins because he crosses the streams with his friend who is a soldier.

THOR

A prince loses his hammer and then finds it but can’t pick it up. He ends up fighting a big robot. He wins by saying sorry and breaking the floor.

CAPTAIN AMERICA – THE FIRST AVENGER

A little boy becomes a big man. Everyone takes the piss but then everyone thinks he is cool. He fights a bunch of robots and a raisin man. He wins by accident then crashes a spaceship.

THE AVENGERS

Everyone from the previous movies meet up and argue. They fight a bunch of what might as well be robots. At the end there is a big space hole. They win by doing teamwork and then go for a kebab.

IRON MAN 3

A rich bloke breaks his romper suit and is sad. He ends up fighting a man who has acid reflux. He wins because his girlfriend is better than him.

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

A prince with a hammer rescues his girlfriend from some bad Ribena. At the end there is a big space hole. He wins somehow. Honestly I’ve forgotten.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

A soldier finds out all the goodies were baddies and he is sad. In the end there is a bunch of bad spaceships. He wins by reorganizing memory cards.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

A bunch of weird people muck about for a while. At the end there is a big spaceship. They win by holding hands.

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

A bunch of people from the previous films meet up and argue. At the end they fight loads of robots. They win by doing teamwork.

ANT-MAN

A man becomes little and mucks about for a while. He ends up fighting a better man who becomes little. He wins by jumping into the baddy.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

A bunch of people from the previous films meet up and argue. At the end there is a man who makes everyone sad. They win but they aren’t friends.

DOCTOR STRANGE

A rich man hurts his hands and then is a wizard. He ends up annoying a CGI into letting him win and then makes everything not have happened.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: VOL 2

A bunch of weird people muck about for a while. In the end the main guy somehow is magic. He fights a different man who is also magic. He wins somehow but is sad.

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING

A little boy has magic powers. He mucks about for a while until a rich man in a romper suit tells him off. In the end he mucks about a bit on an aeroplane. He wins somehow.

THOR: RAGNAROK

A prince loses his hammer then mucks about a bit. He wins by blowing up his house and being a pirate.

BLACK PANTHER

A king keeps losing and getting his powers back. He ends up fighting a more racist version of himself then wins and is sad.

SEE ALSO…

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

A bunch of people muck about for a while. Sometimes they tidy up after the other films, but most of the time they just pretend they didn’t happen. Eventually they piss everybody off.

AGENT CARTER

A lady in the olden days mucks about for a while. Nothing really happens.

DAREDEVIL

A blind man punches a bunch of folk. Eventually he pisses everybody off. Nothing really happens.

JESSICA JONES

An angry lady who never washes punches a bunch of folk. Eventually she pisses everybody off. Nothing really happens.

LUKE CAGE

An invincible man is invincible but keeps finding ways to not be invincible because otherwise it would be boring. Nothing really happens.

IRON FIST

A rich man has a light up hand and pisses everybody. Eventually everybody is just disappointed. Nothing really happens.

THE DEFENDERS

A bunch of people from the previously mentioned TV shows meet up and argue. In the end they punch a bunch of people. They win by punching more people. Nothing really happens.

INHUMANS

A bunch of magic people muck about a bit. In the end nobody cares. They win probably. Nothing really happens.

RUNAWAYS

A bunch of kids with various nonsense muck about a bit. Eventually they piss everybody off. Nothing really happens.

So that’s your lot. You should have no problem going to see Infinity War now, as I have explained everything you could possibly need to know.

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