Posted: Jul 2, 2018 in Fudgecrumpet
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I don’t like penguins, the birds or the chocolate biscuit

Don’t @ me.

Why don’t I like penguins?

The biscuits, that’s easy to explain, they melt much too quickly on the slightest contact with human skin, and the biscuit within the chocolate is just a sub-par bourbon. In America they are called Tim Tams and I imagine they are considered similarly disappointing.

Real penguins? Why don’t I like those?

Quick intermission for the Cumbuntingpatch…

…aaaand we’re back. Look at the flightless, clumsy, over-hyped bastards.

“Oh I’m a bird but I can’t fly.” You’re not a fucking bird then.

“I can swim really good then.” Are you a fish? No. You’re nothing, you loser.

“The male looks after the young.” So fucking what? That doesn’t make you special. It just means you’re more likely to write a horrible blog about trips to shit tourist attractions that you got sent free tickets for.

“Pingu is cool though.” Pingu pissed himself.

“Oh look at their funny walk, so cute.” No. Don’t encourage them. That’s like saying someone with a gammy leg is walking cute. They’ll probably be insulted and call you ableist. If. They. Could. Speak.

“They’re marching! Ooh look they’re marching!” Just because they have a weird romantic attachment to fucking in one particular spot doesn’t make them special. You don’t see Morgan Freeman narrating a quickie behind the bins at the Camel Club in Huddersfield, do you?

Fucking penguins can fuck right off.


Y’know what? Really I’m just jealous because they get to live in the cold and I’m stuck in Leeds in the middle of an endless heatwave, drinking kid’s apple juice from Burger King because woe betide any fucking adult who doesn’t want to drink fizzy shit which will leave them burping for the rest of the bastard day.

But fuck penguins.

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