Lens Flare Brad Pitt Bursts A Baboon

Posted: Sep 24, 2019 in Fudgecrumpet, Movie, Movie Review
Tags: , , ,

I went to the pictures on Sunday and I watched a movie called Ad Astra with my mate Chris. It was a pile of arse.

Apparently it is customary to post SPOILER WARNING in big letters because people aren’t able to enjoy things unless they are surprised by everything in it any more. So, that.

The Story

There is a lens flare but also Brad Pitt’s face is in it. This is artistic or some shit.

Brad Pitt works on some big space telegraph pole and it explodes and he falls off because of some electric thing. He is fine but everyone is worried about the electric thing so they tell Brad Pitt to go to Mars to ask his dad, who disappeared years before when looking for aliens, to stop being a silly bugger.

So Brad Pitt goes to the Moon with Donald Sutherland, who is poorly. Then he has to go to Mars but there are space pirates and everybody who isn’t a main character dies but Brad Pitt is fine. None of this matters.

Donald Sutherland says he is too poorly to go to Mars but he gives Brad Pitt a secret treasure map or some shit that makes Brad Pitt think his dad is actually nice or whatever.

Brad Pitt then goes on a rocket which stops halfway to Mars so that they can fight some baboons that have eaten some Norwegians, and the captain of the Mars spaceship dies because he has no nose and smells awful. Brad Pitt bursts the baboon. None of this matters.

The rocket almost crashes on Mars because the second in command in the rocket is a bit sad and there is another electric thing like earlier and Brad Pitt saves everyone because it was mentioned earlier that he is super-calm all the time. I just thought he couldn’t emote.

When he is on Mars, Brad Pitt makes a serious phone call to his dad but nothing happens. Then he gets a bit cross and makes a slightly less serious phone call to his dad and cries a bit and then everyone mumbles and they tell Brad Pitt to go home.

Brad Pitt is annoyed and that woman who is in lots of TV shows that you’ll probably recognise shows up and give Brad Pitt an iPad that says his dad is actually not nice and then Brad Pitt decides to go and fight his dad in the balls.

Because nobody wants Brad Pitt to fight his dad in the balls, Brad Pitt has to sneak on the rocket to Neptune but everyone is cross because nobody wants Brad Pitt to fight his dad in the balls so everyone on the rocket kils themselves in hilarious comedy ways.

Brad Pitt then flies in the rocket to Neptune but it takes ages and he is bored so he goes a bit bonkers and then he gets to Neptune and he is fine.

He flies to his dad’s spaceship and another electric thing happens but Brad Pitt is fine and then he climbs on the spaceship and puts a nuclear bomb in the thing that is causing the electric things and then Tommy Lee Jones, who is Brad Pitt’s dad says he is rubbish and go away I’m looking for the aliens but there aren’t any aliens so everybody else died somehow.

Brad Pitt scares Tommy Lee Jones into a corner then holds his hand, then they get out of the spaceship and Tommy Lee Jones tries to fly off into space but he is attached to Brad Pitt by a string so he doesn’t fly off into space but then they have a talk and Brad Pitt lets him fly off into space, but he is sad.

The nuclear bomb is about to go off in three hours so Brad Pitt stands on a roundabout for five minutes then rips part of the roundabout off so he can use it as a shield from some rocks or whatever and then he gets on his spaceship just before the bomb explodes and then the bomb explodes and everything is wobbly and then Brad Pitt is fine.

Then, secretly, because the film didn’t mention it before, we find out that Brad Pitt downloaded all his dad’s hard drives which had lots of photos of planets and there are no aliens but that’s fine. I imagine there was a lot of space porn on there too.

Then Brad Pitt has a snooze and then he is at home and Liv Tyler meets him in Wetherspoons and everyone on the internet buys them peas. None of this matters.

It’s all very pretentious and full of allegories and metaphors about God and loss and grief and I don’t bloody know, I wanted to see a good space movie but apparently we aren’t allowed good, fun, entertaining space movies any more. We have to have clever, meaningful shite that has evil CGI baboons halfway through to stop you falling asleep.

I would have fallen asleep if I was watching this at home, fortunately we were at the Showcase cinema which has those electrically adjustable seats so whenever I got bored I just had a little ride on that, back and forth, legs up and down and that.

Brad Pitt’s character is apparently really calm all the time and this is a character trait and not an excuse for Brad Pitt to just spend two hours being as bored as the audience.

Oh, and Space Pirates.

My Verdict

It’s a very pretty movie, and I assume all the science is NASA stuff is all accurate and approved because there was not one lava lamp or plasma ball in the scenery at all.

Looks aside, the story is just a bunch of unrelated events happening in order, with the entire supporting cast just being killed off when the story is done with them (with the exception of that woman off of that TV show that you probably recognise, but it is implied that she is gonna get told off).

I didn’t enjoy this, and would much rather have watched a feature length commercial for a medium sized Vauxhall hatchback than this.

Wait for it to show up on Netflix, then add it to your list and never watch it. Go watch Interstellar instead and laugh at all the hilarious crying.

Here’s a place to go to buy t-shirts with pictures on that I have done all on my own without a grown up…


Go have a look, please. Ta.

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