Archive for the ‘Aliens’ Category

Hey you lot, you alright? Glad to hear it.
Well, I’m busy reading books like mad again because someone with a beard thought it would be a good idea to start reviewing books on my blog again, after a few months off. I have been more picky in my selection though, no confusing gimpy handed historical novels or whatever.


So, the first book I’m reading is the new edition of Truckers – The first book of the Nomes by Terry Pratchett. From what I gather, the best/most popular of Terry’s work are getting rereleased in bright new colours in an attempt to drag the kids away from their xboggles and playstrapons to read a bit of good ol’ literature.


Hello there all you crazy alcoholics and party revellers and Predator fans and people who clicked this blog because I have included the words MILEY CYRUS JUSTIN BIEBER BOOBS MONEY PORN HADDOCK to abuse Google searching. Tonight’s movie night continues my Aliens/Predator marathon with the much-better-than-anyone-expected Predators, which abandons the godawful shonky shenanigans of the AvP movies and goes down the route of “Why don’t we make the film actually good for a change?”

Now obviously, after the last couple of movies, this leaves me with a dilemma, how do I write an entertaining movie night blog if the movie isn’t fucknawful? Well, the same way anyone makes a good night into a messy blur of awesomesauce and vomiting, with the addition of lots and lots of alcohol.

Predators (more…)

Well, I’ve been putting it off…

and putting it off…








Well, at least if I blog about this bloody nonsense now, I can say I’ll never have to do it again. Gonna do it in a live text commentary style, because then you at least know I’m watching it and not cheating by just writing down the occasional observation that I remembered about the movie. Which I would never do. Except that one time I did. When I felt guilt. Anyway, shut up, the shit’s starting.


So now we find ourselves biting the bullet and beginning the cinematic mush that is Alien Vs Predator, in which everyone’s favourite penis–headed monsters battle everyone’s favourite vagina-mouthed space hunters.


Now obviously it won’t take too much effort to guess my opinion of this film, so tonight, for lulz I have invited Gem to watch the movie with me, and will document her observations and questions. Because that’ll be more fun than the film, right?

Bearing in mind that Gem doesn’t like any of the Alien films. Or any of the Predator films. Or any good films. (more…)

Thirty Pence.

You can’t put things on sale for 30p and expect me not to try it. Especially when it has an alien head and it is blue and it is called Space Juice. So when your eager hero ventured out to the ice cream shop at some silly time at night for some reason, and such a thing caught his eye, well the inevitable happened.

My incredible odyssey into drinking liquid death can be seen below…

…Avenge me.

Yeah. Well, it’s the ‘funny’ one. Alien Resurrection. I’ve not watched this in years because I didn’t like it then. Here’s hoping it’s matured with age. Like wine. Or cheese. Or Christmas cake. Or I can’t think of anything else.


So, yeah, screw you trying to think of 10 original Alien/Predator themed photos. Meh. Eat bananas, folks, they’re good for you.

Tonight I am watching the 2003 Special Edition, although I sincerely doubt it will be in any way special. (more…)

After that little dirty delve into the world of Predator and Predator bloody 2, we now return to Alien, and the ‘depressing one’.

ALIEN 3. Because I don’t know how to do a ‘cube’ little 3. And it’s not called Alien Cubed anyway so that’s bloody daft.
I already miss Newt. mostly.

alien 3

Tonight, I’m watching the 2003 Special Edition, because it is slightly more lovely than the studio-interfered-with Theatrical edition. Also the alien pops out of a cow.

So… after the last film ended all happy and everyone went to sleep, well it turns out that it didn’t end happy and everyone dies except Ripley. She ends up on a prison planet full of horny monk prisoners and goes about pissing them off until an alien shows up and starts killing everyone. They don’t have any guns to fight back so they basically bicker and argue until Ripley tells them to stop being silly and then she discovers she has an alien in her tummy and then they have a fight with the alien and then a bloke who looks like Bishop shows up and Ripley is annoyed so jumps into some lava and she dies and that’s obviously the end of the franchise. Oh.

The alien effects are still quite good, especially the first appearance of a CGI one! Gaffer off of the Tetley tea adverts is in it! Manky Bishop Heed! BALDNESS! Paul McGann, the hipster’s Doctor Who of choice is in it! Charles Dance is creepy as fuck, despite being lovely! Everyone is British and awesome! Awesome set design makes everything look so big and massive! Despite being dark as hell, it’s still fairly fun! The religion stuff is fairly bonkers creepy! I’d forgotten how good this special edition was!

It’s soooo depressing! Newt and Hicks die :-(! Everything is soooooooo brown! Some of the scares come across as clich├ęd jumps and shocks! BALDNESS! The change in tone between Aliens and this is particularly jarring on a first viewing! The theatrical version is rushed and messy and fairly pointless!

(Theatrical Version would probably be a high 7)