Archive for the ‘bedtime story’ Category

Here’s a nice story to tell your kids before bed. They’ll be pissing their sheets for weeks.

Once upon a time there was a woodcutter and his wife. They lived in a forest or something. I think everyone lived in forests back then. It was before cities and pavements and Starbucks and that. Everyone still used 5 1/4″ floppy discs and such. IT WAS THAT LONG AGO.

Anyway, the woodcutter obviously wasn’t very good at wood cutting because when he got his wife up the duff he found he was really poor and couldnt afford to bring up the kids. They called them Hansel and Gretel because they wanted them to be bullied at school.
Now, he seemingly managed ok for a good five to ten years, because the kids developed an adequate sense of reasoning and independence, but I dunno, he wanted to save up some money to go and visit his mate Barry who lived in a warmer forest so he decided to get rid of the kids.
Despite owning all the tools of a woodcutter, axes, saws, checked shirts, he couldn’t bring himself to humanely kill his kids while they slept, so decided to dump them in the forest so they could starve to death or freeze or get eaten by a bear or something slow and painful. He was basically a cruel, sadistic bastard.

One morning, he took the kids out into the wood and dumped them a few miles away. Little did he know that Hansel was onto his plan and had been dropping little pebbles along the entire route, and no sooner had the woodcutter arrived home then the kids showed up, boasting about their pebble scheme, pissing him right off.

The next morning he made sure Hansel and Gretel didn’t have any stones and dumped them in a different part of the woods. This would have been fine had Hansel not for some reason been carrying a loaf of bread. Hansel had left a trail of breadcrumbs behind them, with the intention of following them back home again. This is where lazy tv show plots get the idea from, but both lazy tv writers and Hansel and Gretel forget that breadcrumbs are really tasty if you’re a bird.

Hansel and Gretel tried to follow their trail of breadcrumbs home, but the birds had basically just scoffed the lot. Greedy wankers. So Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods. They probably didn’t have any bread left either, stupid little Hansel wasting it with his obviously flawed plan.

They wandered about the woods, probably tried eating some poisonous berries, getting the shits and that, cursing their dad for not letting them watch that episode of Ray Mears where he is lost in a forest without any bread or whatever.

After an unspecified amount of time, let’s say two days, they wandered upon a house made out of gingerbread and sweets and such. Poor building materials, and a waste of rare cooking materials in my opinion. They kids decided that they would just break into the place, eat the walls and furniture and that. As you do.

After eating loads of bits of house, Hansel was sucking on the door’s knob and knockers, Gretel was munching on a rug (this was before innuendo was invented). The owner of the house, a witch (we shall call her Maureen) showed up. Maureen wasn’t in the least bit annoyed that the kids were eating her house and possessions and instead encouraged them to eat as much as they could.

So it turns out that despite living in a house composed entirely out of foodstuffs, Maureen was hungry for something more savoury. More specifically, she wanted to eat Hansel and Gretel.

So after being fattened up, the kids were told to look in the oven for some reason, and as Maureen went to push the kids into the oven they moved out of the way and the cannibal witch burned to death in some sort of really horrible nasty way that didn’t traumatise the kids in any way. Her eyes probably burst and that.

Hansel and Gretel then found a load of money and a sat nav and managed to find their way back home, and held no bad feelings against their father who had tried to kill them. At least not until a few nights later when they sliced his face off and left his rotting faceless corpse nailed to a tree as a warning against passers by.

Hansel and Gretel then died too, because all that sugar from the witch’s house had made all their teeth rot and as this was ages ago they quickly succumbed to infection and snuffed it pretty rapidly.

Their mother, who as yet only got a brief appearance then took the money and invested it wisely and she lived a happy life until she was run over by a tram on her 36th birthday. Her innards burst all over the road, and were left there for fourteen weeks, and this was how the plague started.

Sleep well kids.

The End

Right then, story time.
Are you sitting comfortably? No? Well see a doctor and he should be able to prescribe some lotion. Now I’ll begin.

Once upon a time there were a King and Queen and they were having issues having kids and that. This was the olden days before IVF and folk didn’t understand ovulation and cycles and all the other stuff that you have to know about if you’re a broody woman. Anyway, eventually the King got his willy in the right hole and the Queen did a wee on a stick and found out she was pregnant and everyone was happy, despite the pisspoor medical technology available at the time.
So, the pregnancy went off without a hitch, the Queen probably had a craving for extra strong mints dipped in peanut butter and the King spent most nights sleeping on the sofa because his wife slept like a concrete starfish that had swallowed a lawnmower engine. The baby was born, maybe on a Tuesday, I’m not sure, it doesn’t matter, I doubt the historical authenticity of this tale anyway. Let’s just say it’s a Tuesday and get on with it. This is probably the last time I’ll mention a specific day anyway, so you really have no point of reference. Tuesday. There. Shut up.

The baby was a girl and was named Aurora,  because her parents were actually involved in a complez sting operation to expose and arrest all school bullies and giving their daughter a silly name was the best idea they could think of. Well, that and they were going to make her learn to play the oboe.
A great celebration was held and all the fairies in the land were invited to the party. The meaning of fairy in this sense referring to little floating witches with wings, not as an offensive term referring to homosexual men. I’m not sure which would have been the better choice for the better party. There’d probably be about as much glitter. I’m allergic to glitter, it makes my hands go all swelled up and itchy. It’s bloody horrible. Anyway, S Club 7 hadn’t been invented yet, so the king and queen decided to settle on the little witches.
Oh, and you know I said they invited all the fairies, well they didn’t invite one bad fairy, probably because she was a racist or maybe it was the time she tried to give the king a drunken blowjob in the kitchen last August at the annual barbecue. For whatever reason, she was blacklisted and didn’t get an invite to the party.
Rather than giving the baby traditional presents, the fairies all decided to give her magical presents. One gave Aurora the gift of beauty, implying that without her gift she would be a right munter. Another gave her the gift of song, and so on. There were loads of fairies with gifts, and not one iTunes credit voucher amongst them, much to the despair of the king, as he was looking forward to downloading the new War of the Worlds album.
The bad fairy showed by just as the last fairy was about to give Aurora her gift (free wi-fi access in all Beefeater gastropubs). Angry at not being invited, and quite drunk on a mixture of sherry and Dooley’s toffee liquer, she gave the baby her own gift, promising that on her 18th birthday she would prick her finger on some sort of old fashioned knitting robot and would die. Probably of tetanus or something, general hygiene and antibiotics not being of a passable quality at this time.
The bad fairy then got a taxi and buggered off back to Russia or whatever, leaving everyone else a bit annoyed and probably horny, because bad fairies always dress the sexiest, fishnets and corsets and that.
Now, there was one fairy left who had yet to give the princess her gift and seeing as the Wi-Fi at the Beefeater is pisspoor slow at best, she instead used her magical gift to change the bad fairy’s spell a bit. (Why the fairies only get to give one gift each is beyond me, possibly they didn’t have enough virgins or goats to sacrifice in order to perform their magical rituals, or maybe they were just tight)
Anyway, the spell was changed at a small print level so instead of dying from the knitting robot accident, Aurora would instead fall asleep for ages and ages, and could only be awoken by a kiss from a passing Prince.
So, anyway, all that happened.
There was a dragon and that too apparently. Turns out all right at the end I gather, the bad fairy dies and there is a wedding and that. Some nonsense with colour changing dresses and that.
Never got to watch the end of the film, ironically I fell asleep. Didn’t wake up getting kissed though. Next door’s car alarm went off and I thought it was an Zombie Warning Alarm or something. I’d just had a fair bit of cheese. A cheese toastie actually. It was really nice. Dipped it in ketchup and that. Tasty. You should have a cheese toastie. Just remember to butter the wrong side of the bread because of reasons.

The End. Sorry.