Archive for the ‘bonfire’ Category

At this time of year, the following rules are vital to my existence…

Rule 1… Always wear a HAThat.

Rule 2… Try and set as many fireworks off at once as you can, then run away (the sillier the run, the better)

Rule 3… Don’t fuck about with those stupid fireworks lighters. Get a blowtorch or similarly furious fire making device. I have a lighter from the army surplus shop, which is nigh on the bottom half of Ripley’s gun from aliens.

Rule 4… If a Firework doesn’t go off, throw a brick at it. If it still doesn’t go off, send someone else to check it. If it STILL doesn’t go off, get it, chuck it on the bonfire.

Rule 5… Catherine Wheels are proportionately fun depending on the secureness of the nail holding it. There is nothing more wonderful than seeing a Catherine Wheel escaping to freedom and flying under your car.

Rule 6… Church steeples, annoying neighbours’ houses and the Moon are all targets and must be destroyed.

Rule 7… Always wear gloves. Unless you can’t find them. Which I can’t.

Rule 8… Save the really, really loud fireworks in case the neighbours complain about the noise. In reality they are offering a challenge. Show them how loud you actually can be.

Rule 9… Firework names are usually lies. The one with the shittest name will definitely be the best one. The ‘Devils Explosive Urethra’ will only disappoint you.

Rule 10… “Don’t be fucking stupid!” is really just your missus offering you a dare, prove how silly you can be.

Have fun, and remember, no-one ever died by being burnt to death. Except witches.

*do not follow this advice. I am a fucking idiot. In a HAThat.