Archive for the ‘death’ Category

Thirty Pence.

You can’t put things on sale for 30p and expect me not to try it. Especially when it has an alien head and it is blue and it is called Space Juice. So when your eager hero ventured out to the ice cream shop at some silly time at night for some reason, and such a thing caught his eye, well the inevitable happened.

My incredible odyssey into drinking liquid death can be seen below…

…Avenge me.

So… in a change to our regular Movie Night shenanigans, I’m gonna do a live chunter while watching (for the first time), found-footage Rosemary’s Baby-ish horror film Devil’s Due. Expect me to go off on one at some point, if the movie annoys or bores me or if I get distracted by something. I get distracted by stuff easily. Spoiler Alert. Probably.

Devil's Due

So… without futher ado… DEVIL’S DUE

0:00:00 – Movie Starts with police interview framing sequence. Meh.
0:08:47 – “Hey! Why don’t I write a live blog movie night post?”
0:08:48 – So…. it’s all camcordery. The main couple just got married, filmed all that, didn’t film the honeymoon night. Feel conned.
0:11:00 – Nothing much has happened yet. Nothing Devilly anyway. (more…)

One day, Mr and Mrs Bear went out for a walk. The tragic events that occurred next might shock you, terrify you or leave a bad taste in your mouth.

It certainly left a bad taste in mine.


Once upon a time (ie. Ages ago, before stories were supported by facts),there lived three bears.
There was a mummy bear, a daddy bear and a baby bear. For some reason they lived in a well-maintained two-floored cottage rather than a cave or hole in a hill or something. We can only assume that the bears had recently attacked and killed the previous owners and, enjoying the benefits of central heating and windows and such, they probably decided to stay.
One day, the mummy bear decided to abandon her natural salmon hunting instincts and using some sort of freaky überknowledge, never before seen in bears, she made some porridge.
Now, obviously, her genius knowledge was flawed as the porridge was much too hot, and rather than adding some cold milk the bears decided they would go for a walk in the woods until it reached the desired temperature. For some reason, the bears dished up the porridge before leaving the house, which is a bit confusing.
Aaaanyway, while the bears were off walking in the woods, not hunting salmon, a cheeky little blonde girl called Goldilocks approached the house. Now obviously, like all girls given novelty names, she was a bit of a chavvy rogue, and thought nothing of entering the bear’s house without permission. The insurance company would no doubt say it was the bear’s fault for leaving the door unlocked, but obviously since they had killed the previous tenants and were technically squatting, they probably didn’t have any keys.
There was no bodily remains of the last tenants, nor had the bears left any evidence of their existance as bears, as goldilocks’ suspicions as to the possible threat from giant furry beasts were not raised. However, she did see the porridge, and being a cheeky chav with no knowledge of hygiene or an awareness of the morality of theft, she decided to eat the porridge.
Now at this point we need to clarify the fact that three bowls containing the porridge were all made of difference materials, each with different thermal properties. This explains why when tasting Daddy bear’s big bowl ofporridge discovered it was much too hot; mummy bear’s medium sized bowl was freezing cold, and baby bear’s small bowl was at an acceptable temperature. One can only assume that mummy bear’s taste in cold porridge is not completely bonkers.
Anyway, chavpig that she was, goldilocks ate up all of baby bear’s porridge. This is described as a somewhat gluttenous act, even though we are initially told that baby bear’s bowl is incredibly small. He’s probably still being weaned off salmon.
Like any good greedyguts, Goldilocks decided that she might as well sit down, and spotting the bear’s three chairs decided to try them one by one. Now, Goldilocks is obviously a right fussy bitch, and daddy bear’s chair was considered to be too hard, and mummy bear’s chair was too soft and lumpy, like a bean bag or something. Can you imagine taking her to DFS for a new three piece suite? She’d be a bloody nightmare.
Then she sat on baby bear’s little chair. Now obviously goldilocks was quite a hefty girl, as any bear, even a baby one weighs quite a considerable amount. Quite why goldilocks’ fat ass is able to break a chair capable of supporting a bear is one for dieticians and weighbridge owners to discuss ad finitum.
So the chair broke, and foregoing any ‘where there’s a blame there’s a claim’ shenanigans (again, legally dubious given the bear’s squatter status) Golilocks decided she’d go upstairs and have a lie down.
Again, there were three beds, again the parent bears’ beds were unsuitable for some incredibly fussy reason. Why the parent bears had separate beds is another story, probably involving that dirty slut bear who took advantage of daddy bear’s drunken advances at the christmas party, purely for the purposes of taking revenge on her arch-rival mummy bear, who spelled her name wrong in the parish newsletter in 1998. Like i said, it’s a whole different story.
Anyway, goldilocks was obviously very tired from all her porridge and chair testing activities and she fell asleep.
And then the bears came home. And well, then they killed goldilocks. Because they were bears. Killer bears. As established early on in the story. Oh, they probably wondered about why some of the porridge was eaten, or why a chair was broken, but they were probably more likely to obey their baser animal instincts and eat the chav. Who probably tasted a bit like salmon.

The End