Archive for the ‘guide’ Category

Hi there everyone,

Just thought I’d let you guys watch a little video all about nutrition, especially for kids during the first 1000 days of their life (That’s about 2 years and 9 months, in case you didn’t just use a calculator like I just did). It’s packed with useful info about childhood obesity, swapping out sugar, what you should eat when you’re pregnant or breast feeding. It’s all very informative and well presented. You can tell I didn’t make it.


This isn’t the video, stop clicking on it. The video is at the bottom of all this well-crafted hilarious blog writing.

Obviously this interests me a fair deal, because I have one of those babies that happen currently asleep upstairs, waiting until I am at my most asleep and comfortable before kicking off asking for milk. I mean, I’m trying to get the other two kids to eat more healthy too, but if I make a fuss about that and they rebel, we’re gonna have riots in the streets, vampire/werewolf marriages, sequels to Mary Poppins, basically Armageddon in a handbag. (more…)

Live long and prosper everyone, the new series of Doctor Who starts on your telly tonight and who better than me to offer you a useful cut out and keep guide to the franchise? Don’t answer that. Also, don’t cut it out, you’ll break your computer or your phone or whatever. If you must, print it out then cut it out. Or just print it out. You don’t need my permission. Just do what you want.

Anyway, Doctor Who.

Ooh eeh oooooh

Eeee Ooooh

Wee war wooo

Eeeh ar ooooh.

That’s the theme tune. Obviously. Duh.


So last week, I went on a health and safety course, and I learned all about asbestos and manual handling and other things. Naturally, I had to do it because I work with sharp things, drills, chisels, my wit, etc. but if you’re a humble office worker, perhaps you’re typing up minutes to a meeting about the sales figures of Oats So Simple porridge, should you be so concerned with health and safety?


Of course you bloody should, and to bring this to your attention, 3M have launched a campaign called ‘Wise Choices’, and have employed Ewen Macintosh from The Office to star as Barry, an inept, and quite dangerous office purchasing manager, displaying the disregard to health and safety shown by many an office worker. I remember on my year out from uni, my manager has a similar attitude. He’s probably dead now. Well, maybe he’s dead. OK, so he’s probably not dead, but if he had have been dead, well that would have made my point much clearer. (more…)

Well, it’s festival season again, and I’m pretty sure you’ve already had a look at my ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO FESTIVALS from last year. Well, I’m guessing I didn’t put you off, because you’re still going on about them this year.

Well, instead of chuntering on in my own special way, I’m gonna do you a favour and help you out by pointing you in the way of something to stop you being the kind of stinky ninny that gives festival goers a bad name.

So, the biggest deal with festivals, besides the awful toilets, terrible music, people, overpriced food and mud is the lack of decent shower facilities. So, what do we need when there’s nowhere to wash, that’s right, we need Awesome waterless cleaning products.

Zerreau Towel Off Shampoo

That’s where Zerreau Beauty’s Towel Off Shampoo Foam comes in. (The name’s a pun, took me a while to get it) It’s basically a foam shampoo that you squoosh into your hair, rub in, and then towel off without rinsing.
Because it’s a foam rather than a powder spray like that dry shampoo stuff, it cleans your hair properly, can get all that festival muck out and doesn’t just give you that Shake n Vac feeling of freshness.

The product is alcohol free, so there’s no point even trying to drink it; Paraben Free, so don’t go jumping out of a plane with it strapped to your back; Triclosan Free, so it won’t help you travel in time, and it’s pH balanced, in case you accidentally got litmus paper in your hair.

The flavour I got was apple flavour, which is lovely. It works great on my hair, as well as with the kids, who have much longer and thicker hair than me. I think I’ll be keeping my bottle in the car for emergencies, probably yoghurt related.

If you want to get your hands on some of this awesome foamy goodness then head across to the No Rinse website and make a purchase, if you enter SUMMER20 at the checkout you can get 20% off the RRP!

So, now you have absolutely no excuse for looking like a festival tramp. Well, once you’ve put down the cheap cider and removed the hat made out of loom bands. Seriously, loom bands are the bane of my existence, they clog up the vacuum cleaner, they just get everywhere. Horrible things. Loom bands. Ack.

Hello. How are you?

This is my guide to the London 2012 Olympics Thing. Look how shiny it is. OooooOOOOOH.

First things first, London is a city on the arse end of the UK, and is where all the fun stuff, visits by Bono etc happen so it is called The Capital City of England. This year, a travelling talent show called The Olympics (named after the Greek God Olly Murs) is visiting and people from all over the world get to take turns trying to run faster than each other, throw shit about and that.

To get to London, you have to travel there by bus or tram or car or aeroplane or boat or train or by walking, as any other methods of travelling are frowned upon.
London is signposted well in advance, so if you are in Leeds you know which way to go.
Travelling in the centre of London is easy, you can use a bicycle if you don’t mind people swearing at you, or you can use an underground train, or you can catch a bus or a taxi or even drive your own car.
If you do decide to drive your own car around London, you have to pay what is called a Congestion Charge, this is a good thing, as it is a mandatory donation to the Vics Vaporub Foundation for Congestion relief.
Catching a taxi in London is an exciting experience as all the taxi drivers are legally obliged to tell you a story about a wizard as a free service on your journey. This is called ‘The Knowledge’ and if the taxi driver fails to entertain you sufficiently then you are legally allowed to run from the taxi without paying. Perhaps, whilst doing a jaunty dance.
The Underground train network in London is a brand new invention, introduced in 2005 to fill the unused sewage pipes that are underneath the city. The train stations are named after characters from popular 90s TV serial Neverwhere as well as animated children’s show Chuggington.
Eating in London is an expensive business as all food in London has an additional cost called a ‘London Price’. This is used to pay for the upkeep of the beefeaters, as well as the maintenance on Big Ben. I recommend native foods such as the Big Mac, Chicken Kebab and something called a BLT.
Sights to see in London include –
The Tower of London
A big HMV

The Olympics first began in 1974 on the back of a beermat, and is a combination of the following three activities –
Checking stuff about.
However, to fill the time and give people plenty to do, they add different subcategories and novelties. For example, running in a paddling pool, known to the fans as ‘swimming’ named after the actor who plays Ross on Friends; ‘Gymnastics’ which is just fancy jumping and ‘Archery’, which is chucking stuff using a piece of wood, named after the Radio Four Ongoing Soap Opera.
If you do well at one of these events you are invited to stand on a bit of wood and sing a song based on where you live. You also receive a special Jim’ll Fix badge in either yellow, grey or brown. Yellow is the best colour, grey is second best, and brown is obviously bad.
Drugs are a major no-no at the Olympics thing, as apparently it makes you run faster or whatever, although obviously these are different to the types of drugs you see scruffy scary people taking. As they would just sit there giggling, maybe eating a pasty. Actually, they should allow that, as it would be funny to watch.

The Olympics thing opens with a ceremony called the Opening Ceremony, and basically you have to watch it and look confused. By law. Or you get shot in the pancreas by a taser.
This law doesn’t apply to the closing ceremony, mind, as usually everyone is bored by then.

So. That is the 2012 Olympics guide that I wrote. Yay me.

M is for Marmite.
…which is the easiest way to explain what Twitter is to most people.
I also like “its pointless, but so are blowjobs” and “at least I’m not getting poked every two bloody minutes”

N is for NoOb!
I’m sure you’ll have all seen new Twitter users, unsure what to do, showing the same panic as a man stuck in a cave full of bears, covered in honey. So here’s a quick guide that you can share with the Twitter virgins, busting their social networking hymen and making a big sticky mess on the bed of the internet…
1. Twitter allows you to send messages of up to 140 characters, there are tools that let you go over, eg. Twitlonger, but try not to get into bad habits. No-one will think any less of you if you abbreviated ‘because’ to ‘bcoz’ if it saves you going one letter over the limit.
2. Reply to people by typing ‘@username message’ if you only want that user and your mutual followers to see it; ‘message @username’ if you’re replying but want everyone to pay attention; don’t type a reply without using including the @username, because no-one will know what you’re on about.
3. To direct message someone type ‘D username message’ (note the lack of an @). When and why you use DMs is up to you, and ill probably go into it when I reach an appropriate letter in my A-Z.
4. Retweets – use this for sharing other users’ tweets with your followers, use a retweet with comment option if you want to add a comment at the end (dont just put LOL though) or if you want to share both sides of a conversation in the same tweet (for example, a question & answer).
5. Spam. Block and report them the second they pop up in your follower list. Yes, I know you want to get to 30 followers ASAP, but do you really want a follower whose only interest is selling you a penis extension? Maybe you do. I don’t though. Because I have a big Willy.
6. Brush your teeth twice a day.
7. Have fun, don’t take Twitter too seriously, and remember the ultimate rule of Twitter – “if you don’t follow @fudgecrumpet, then you don’t do Twitter properly.”

So, yeah, point new folk this way so they get off to a good start.
Oh, and easy way to spot a Twitter noob in real life – if they refer to themselves as ATusername, takes a good few months to get out of that habit…

F is for #ff.

It’s Friday. You’ve got a fair few followers who you think deserve a larger audience. What do you do? You do a #followfriday or #ff tweet for them. But wait! Everyone else on Twitter is doing the same! Crikey! How do you get your tweet noticed and your pals followed?

Do you get all your friends names in a big list and send it as one messy looking tweet? Y’know, like this…

#ff @fudgecrumpet @mrsfudgecrumpet @cagglefrap @splashman @stefano3 @thewillt @stueymac71 @treagie

…no, wait, no-one’s going to read that are they? It’s just a messy lump of non-words… How about doing this instead…

#ff @cagglefrap, he is dead cool and has a massive willy and is funny and has nice hair.

…yeah, that’s better, not only is it personal about that tweeter (my spare account for when I want to swear about Keith Chegwin, since he blocked my main account) but it also gives people a reason to follow. It’s much more likely to work and much less likely to look like you’re just randomly copying and pasting a list.

The number of #ff tweets one does is important too. Sure, just doing five or six of your favourites is going to annoy some of your casual pals, but isn’t that preferrable to doing a hundred and fifty people? No-one’s going to follow all of them, and you’re just gonna end up looking like a spammer. Also, on a more geeky moment, if you do more than 50 #ff tweets, you don’t count as a recommendation on various followfriday ranking sites and that’s no good for your mates if they wanna get the extra pimp that comes from that.

Oh, and keep your #ff tweets entertaining, then folk will read them. In my case, I just go balls out and make shit up. It works though, gets folk followed, and gets the conversation flowing as they try desperately to deny having a fourteen inch long penis. Oh, wait… no, i doubt they’d deny that. Well, unless they were a girl.

And one last thing on the subject, unless it’s a funny, entertaining or fantastic tweet, don’t go retweeting the #ff tweets you receive, even with ‘thanks’ tagged on the end. Makes you look like a right self-fellating pillock. Just saying.

Oh, and while we’re on the letter F (and because we briefly touched on self-fellating)…