Archive for the ‘Inventions’ Category

Heyyyyyyyyyy there ladies, how are you?

I know next to nothing about women. Well, I know what various bits do and how to make them cross, but otherwise I’m about as clueless as they come. So when I’m asked to write an article about women for women, about using technology to juggle careers and family life, well what do I do?

That’s right! I run off to twitter and ask for help.

I drew a picture of a snail because girls like snails.

I drew a picture of a snail because girls like snails.

Well I got a mixed response, because most of them refuse to take me seriously, and most of them wanted to mock my poor spelling of the word ‘sentence’. YES I KNOW HOW IT’S SPELT NOW.
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Well, it’s festival season again, and I’m pretty sure you’ve already had a look at my ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO FESTIVALS from last year. Well, I’m guessing I didn’t put you off, because you’re still going on about them this year.

Well, instead of chuntering on in my own special way, I’m gonna do you a favour and help you out by pointing you in the way of something to stop you being the kind of stinky ninny that gives festival goers a bad name.

So, the biggest deal with festivals, besides the awful toilets, terrible music, people, overpriced food and mud is the lack of decent shower facilities. So, what do we need when there’s nowhere to wash, that’s right, we need Awesome waterless cleaning products.

Zerreau Towel Off Shampoo

That’s where Zerreau Beauty’s Towel Off Shampoo Foam comes in. (The name’s a pun, took me a while to get it) It’s basically a foam shampoo that you squoosh into your hair, rub in, and then towel off without rinsing.
Because it’s a foam rather than a powder spray like that dry shampoo stuff, it cleans your hair properly, can get all that festival muck out and doesn’t just give you that Shake n Vac feeling of freshness.

The product is alcohol free, so there’s no point even trying to drink it; Paraben Free, so don’t go jumping out of a plane with it strapped to your back; Triclosan Free, so it won’t help you travel in time, and it’s pH balanced, in case you accidentally got litmus paper in your hair.

The flavour I got was apple flavour, which is lovely. It works great on my hair, as well as with the kids, who have much longer and thicker hair than me. I think I’ll be keeping my bottle in the car for emergencies, probably yoghurt related.

If you want to get your hands on some of this awesome foamy goodness then head across to the No Rinse website and make a purchase, if you enter SUMMER20 at the checkout you can get 20% off the RRP!

So, now you have absolutely no excuse for looking like a festival tramp. Well, once you’ve put down the cheap cider and removed the hat made out of loom bands. Seriously, loom bands are the bane of my existence, they clog up the vacuum cleaner, they just get everywhere. Horrible things. Loom bands. Ack.

You know what people are always saying to me? They’re saying “Fudgey, when you’re slicing things, you take ages. Why do you take so long slicing things?” and I tell them it’s because the knife I’m using is as blunt as James Blunt’s wit when he searches his name on Twitter.

Well, not any more. Not with my brand new toy, RazorRed’s Best Knife Sharpener, a dinky little thing that now means my kitchen is the most dangerous place in the world.

RazorRed Knife Sharpener (more…)

Yeah, so, that’s a monster of a blog title. Here comes a review, concentrate.

OZERI CARDIOTECH Premium Series BP3T Upper Arm Blood Pressure Monitor with Intelligent Hypertension Detection

Yeah, exciting stuff.

So, before my mum claims this bit of kit for her first aid box (I think she’s under the impression that if she has all the gadgets, she will gain medical knowledge by osmosis. She doesn’t even know what osmosis is), I thought I’d write a bit of a quick review about it here.

But of course that means I have to use the thing. So here goes…

…well that was painless. Well, it squeezed a bit. I’m a wuss. But a wuss with normal blood pressure. So YAY!

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I was a bit bored today so I did some inventing… Here is the decidedly mixed bag of concepts…

fully air conditioned sauna. Keeps you nice and cool as you sweat.

moving walkways next to bus stops so people don’t have to run as fast if They’re late.

hover-dogs. Never need taking for a walk, you just tie them to your guttering.

square dvds, therefore eliminating wasted space in the box. (the alternative, round boxes would be silly, as they would just roll off the shelf)

a Twattering Ram. Which is a big log for knocking over idiots.

hi-vis camoflague. Because even if you’re hiding from baddies, you need to obey proper H&S procedure.

cat spanners. For tightening up your cat.

boxboxes. Boxes specifically designed for holding multiple boxes.

Ford Court-ina. A car that also hands out justice.

a bee-bee gun. Enabling you to shoot your enemies then watch them get stung. by bees.

a Fiddler’s Forcefield – a piece of clear plastic to shield your favourite jazz mag from accidental stainage.

a fence fence. A wooden garden barrier that can help you dispose of stolen goods.

Simon The Pocket Tramp. A tramp that you carry around to fight Big Issue sellers.

Fat-nav. Avoids narrow streets and always knows the way to Wimpy.

motor-horse. A horse that has an engine. With 1 horsepower. Saves on carrots.

a Hyper Susan. The same as a lazy susan, but faster.

a mobile landline. a backpack with a wire sticking out of the top like dodgems, connected to the phone network.

Monoproperly. A device that electrocutes anyone who tries to cheat at the Property Trading Game.

Underground Helicopters. For miners who like to hover.

Bumblegum. fruit flavoured chewing gum that makes you clumsy.

Leg-o. Build anything you like. Out of legs

Tattooths. Get your lover’s name permanently engraved on your tooth enamel.

slag-cabbage. A portable vegetable launcher for soiling Sharons.

hamdock. A hammock. Made of haddock

Wheeee Bins. Wheelie Bins designed for racing down hills.

Underwater Corn-on-Cob Scuba Gear. A special mouthpiece that allows divers to eat corn and breathe underwater.

Predictive Talking. A device that saves you from saying whole words, finishing them automagically for you.

Lostbianism. The love between two girls who know the difference between a Charlie and a Sawyer.

tar-macs. A raincoat covered in asphalt. Hard wearing and completely waterproof. And black. (also, would build up your muscles and give you a hard shoulder.)

ink pencils. When you want to use a pencil, but don’t want someone rubbing it out.

Tea-gulls. Tiny birds that fly over your cup of tea, removing any fish or scraps of food.

tampogons, for women on their period who really want to bounce.

Head and Shoulders and Crotch. Because downstairs dandruff can be a problem too…

hot air trampolloon. Lets you jump and bounce at an altitude of 6000 ft.

Poopascoopascoopas. To pick up discarded poopascoopas and prevent litter.

Cold Pants. Basically, hot pants. But with ice down the front.

Biker Protractor. For measuring Hell’s Angles.

Shoe Police. A special department of the police that deals with all aspects of shoe-related crime.

high definition glasses. For people who can’t tell the difference between normal telly and hi-def.

glo-bras. “oh no power cut! missus, get your top off!”

Asdar. A device that can locate a supermarket from up to 200 miles away.

Megan Fog. The ability to obscure your vision when watching Transformers so your missus can’t call you a dirty perve.

haircuds. Getting your hair shortened by cows chewing at your head.

Manchester Untied. Making football more entertaining by banning the players from fastening their shoes.

So, that’s it. All these ideas are copyright me, so if you do want to build them and sell them, then I want money. or toys. or sweets. or a hug.