Archive for the ‘Lionel Ritchie’ Category

Because they are both the same person/animal (have you ever seen them in the same place?)… Do a google image search if you don’t believe me.

Dear Mister Ritchie,

Hello, how are you? I am fine.
Are you related to Mrs Ritchie, who was my teacher in 1988? She was nice but bossy.
Anyway, i digest, what i actually am writting to you about is that we know you are a herbal lion off of the 70s and you can stop lying and we will destroy you if you lie you liar. Lies!
Are you related to shane ritchie? He was good in the 90s and as a fat mouse in flushed away. Are you really made of parsley and does it hurt when people put you in cauliflower cheese?
Is guy ritchie your dad? I’m sorry he broke up with madonald, as i’m sure she would have been a good mum for you. Please don’t cry.
Are you rich, ritchie? I’m sure you have a few bobs and pounds and dollars and other money. Do people call you ritchie rich, like the film called richy rich with kevin off of that home alone horror film with that do you think i’m funny like a clown man. Is his dad really ted danson? That’d be cool because then kirstie alley would be your mum and she was nice before she was fat.
So, stop lion-ing (lying) about being a lie-on (lion) and we’ll stop sending you packets of salt (the cure for lying) as soon as we are sure You’re telling the truth.
Yours sincerely much,
fudge and the other people.
ps. I lost my cayenne pepper, do you have any friends you could shave some off? I will pay you 24p an ounce.

First posted on
On a side-note, it was decided that this letter was to be written in the medium of Bloomen, which is a mixture of blood and semen used in all the best stalker-ish letters.