Archive for the ‘Movie Review’ Category

Yeah. So I’ve finally got around to finishing my Alien/Predator franchise.

I watched Prometheus.


And that’s all I have to say about that.

So, the trailer for the new Avengers movie has been leaked (or officially released, I’m no expert on such things) and I imagine by this point hundreds, if not twelves, of websites will have looked through the trailer, over-analysing every single frame and offering their ‘expert’ opinions and speculation and such. Well, obviously I’m going to do the same, but with the added addition of my knowledge and brain and fingers that type the words I type. (more…)

Hello there all you crazy alcoholics and party revellers and Predator fans and people who clicked this blog because I have included the words MILEY CYRUS JUSTIN BIEBER BOOBS MONEY PORN HADDOCK to abuse Google searching. Tonight’s movie night continues my Aliens/Predator marathon with the much-better-than-anyone-expected Predators, which abandons the godawful shonky shenanigans of the AvP movies and goes down the route of “Why don’t we make the film actually good for a change?”

Now obviously, after the last couple of movies, this leaves me with a dilemma, how do I write an entertaining movie night blog if the movie isn’t fucknawful? Well, the same way anyone makes a good night into a messy blur of awesomesauce and vomiting, with the addition of lots and lots of alcohol.

Predators (more…)

Well, I’ve been putting it off…

and putting it off…








Well, at least if I blog about this bloody nonsense now, I can say I’ll never have to do it again. Gonna do it in a live text commentary style, because then you at least know I’m watching it and not cheating by just writing down the occasional observation that I remembered about the movie. Which I would never do. Except that one time I did. When I felt guilt. Anyway, shut up, the shit’s starting.


Yeah. Well, it’s the ‘funny’ one. Alien Resurrection. I’ve not watched this in years because I didn’t like it then. Here’s hoping it’s matured with age. Like wine. Or cheese. Or Christmas cake. Or I can’t think of anything else.


So, yeah, screw you trying to think of 10 original Alien/Predator themed photos. Meh. Eat bananas, folks, they’re good for you.

Tonight I am watching the 2003 Special Edition, although I sincerely doubt it will be in any way special. (more…)

After that little dirty delve into the world of Predator and Predator bloody 2, we now return to Alien, and the ‘depressing one’.

ALIEN 3. Because I don’t know how to do a ‘cube’ little 3. And it’s not called Alien Cubed anyway so that’s bloody daft.
I already miss Newt. mostly.

alien 3

Tonight, I’m watching the 2003 Special Edition, because it is slightly more lovely than the studio-interfered-with Theatrical edition. Also the alien pops out of a cow.

So… after the last film ended all happy and everyone went to sleep, well it turns out that it didn’t end happy and everyone dies except Ripley. She ends up on a prison planet full of horny monk prisoners and goes about pissing them off until an alien shows up and starts killing everyone. They don’t have any guns to fight back so they basically bicker and argue until Ripley tells them to stop being silly and then she discovers she has an alien in her tummy and then they have a fight with the alien and then a bloke who looks like Bishop shows up and Ripley is annoyed so jumps into some lava and she dies and that’s obviously the end of the franchise. Oh.

The alien effects are still quite good, especially the first appearance of a CGI one! Gaffer off of the Tetley tea adverts is in it! Manky Bishop Heed! BALDNESS! Paul McGann, the hipster’s Doctor Who of choice is in it! Charles Dance is creepy as fuck, despite being lovely! Everyone is British and awesome! Awesome set design makes everything look so big and massive! Despite being dark as hell, it’s still fairly fun! The religion stuff is fairly bonkers creepy! I’d forgotten how good this special edition was!

It’s soooo depressing! Newt and Hicks die :-(! Everything is soooooooo brown! Some of the scares come across as clich├ęd jumps and shocks! BALDNESS! The change in tone between Aliens and this is particularly jarring on a first viewing! The theatrical version is rushed and messy and fairly pointless!

(Theatrical Version would probably be a high 7)

So, now we’ve definitely peaked with the whole Alien and Predator franchise, let’s begin that slightly lumpy downhill slope with Predator 2.
See how I have recreated Stan Winston’s awesome Predator special effects using ham, tic tacs and a multi-pack of cheap noodles.

Uncanny, isn't it?

Uncanny, isn’t it?

Yes. It is uncanny. Shush, I had to eat the ham because it was gonna go off tomorrow, also I have to give you some reason to click the link to this blog from facebook or whatever, and who wants to see me looking bored holding a blu-ray box? Nobody. That’s who. Well, maybe the beard pervert ladies of a certain age. But they’re not going to be interested in Predator 2, so that’s why. Shut up, it’s starting.