Archive for the ‘pants’ Category

A PAIR OF BIG MEN’S KNICKERS!

Ahem. Excuse me. Hello. I’m reviewing some underpants today.

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These are Chaffree Mens Boxer Shorts made from COOLMAX (Their caps lock, not mine) Performance Fabric and are SPECIAL (My caps lock, not theirs).

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There are only a few times in my life when I feel utter dread. One is getting a phone call from the kids’ school in the middle of the day, another is the smoke alarm going off at 3 in the morning, but worse than all of these are when you see written on her Christmas wish list the following three words…

‘Bra and Pants’

Diagram One - Bras and Pants. On Ladies.

Diagram One – Bras and Pants. On Ladies.

Yeah, so I have an utter fear of lingerie shops, where everything is made of lace and silk, things come in some sort of arbitrary size system that makes little to no sense, where things come with accessories that look like something you see in German videos on the internet, and you live in fear of accidentally falling into a shelf and making all the pants and stuff fly everywhere.

Well, now those feelings of dread and terror have come to an end with BOUX AVENUE’S BUYING GUIDE FOR MEN TO LINGERIE. Which isn’t just an excuse to have photos of ladies in sexy pants to attract more male readers.

but, y'know... if it works...

but, y’know… if it works…

So, fellas, if you’re stuck with the Christmas mission of dressing your missus in something sexy and skimpy, have a look at that there guide, which has info about sizes, styles as well as links to all those faffy accessories and stuff that girls like to wear for you when they accidentally blew up the toaster and don’t want you to be mad at them. With this funky guide, you’re guaranteed to impress her, and won’t have to put up with her wearing those godawful cream granny pants to bed every other night.

I can't think of a caption for this. Nothing clean anyway.

I can’t think of a caption for this. Nothing clean anyway.

Also, if you get yourself across to www.bouxavenue.com before the 22nd December, you’ll still be able to get your presents delivered before Christmas, so there’s no need to get your knickers in a twist. Yeah, I went there.

Night number four of my exodus into Transformer Moviedom, and the Spider-Man onesie is getting fairly ripe. Fortunately, nobody is in the room to smell me, and anyway, we’ve been decorating all this week so any weird smells I’m gonna blame on the paint fumes.

So, the last of the Transformers movies before Age of Extinction, which comes out this weekend, Dark of the Moon.

…in a Transforming Megatron box. Which just looks like someone went a bit mad with a glue gun.

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Yes, it’s the third night of wearing a Spider-Man onesie and watching movies about robots punching robots, but y’know, I kinda like that sort of thing. So shush with your judging me.

Tonight’s treat is Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen, arguably the worst of the Transformers movies, although I don’t see many people arguing.

revenge of the ruddy fallen

So, yeah, I paid extra so it’s in a transforming box. Stop tutting at me, I don’t tut at you when you do the thing that you do that is weird.

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Saw this poster this morning and it got me furious.

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It’s for ‘The Musical Movie Event Of The Summer’, Walking On Sunshine and it is already the thing I hate most in all the world. (more…)

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and I’m not even putting an ironic animated GIF underneath. because fuck that.

Hello you. My, you’re looking like a crap tramp. 
Here, let Uncle Fudge get you up to speed on fashion, style and all that other stuff that you obviously know nothing about.Like all good activities, let’s start at the top and work down…

HAIR
Hair is good, if you have hair you’re onto a winner. Brown hair is best. I find that my hairstyle is usually at it’s best the week before i’m actually due a haircut. Therefore, to keep your hair is a constant state of awesome, i recommend always having a barber’s appointment booked for next week.

HATS
If you’re bald, or you are still worried about the state of your hair, then i recommend a hat. Hats have been around since the late 1980s and offer an alternative to wearing a lady’s knickers on your head. This is apparently no longer considered cool, especially in certain areas of town where an exposed head gusset can provoke many a frown.There are many different types of hat, i shall list my favourites… Now.
Cowboy Hat – good for when you’re hiding in your sofa cushion fort.
Wizard’s Hat – good for wizarding.
Fez – not, despite the current time lord trends, cool. But useful if you need a cereal bowl at short notice.

FACE
There are a number of important areas to consider when discussing the face.
Firstly, SKIN
Having skin is good, and if you believe the adverts you need buckets of overpriced slop rubbed into it to stay pretty. This is a lie. The only thing that you should be rubbing on your face regularly is a lady’s boobies. Your skin might go blotchy, peel off or whatever it was going to do anyway, but at least you’ll be happy. Or if you’re a gay or a single man, try using a bean bag chair.
FACIAL HAIR
A bit of stubble never hurt anyone. Unless you count stubble rash. Moustaches are cool, but only in an ironic ‘i know i look like a pillock’ sense.
Beards vary in coolness, but the general rule is, try not to look like an evil tyrant. So, no Hitler tash, avoid the Ming the Merciless look and so on.
FACE GUBBINS
I choose not to accessorise my face, only on rare occasions when I feel the need to see depth do i don a pair of 3d glasses (red & green for retro cool, polarised stereoscopic for joe90 chic). Although doing so does make me wave things in front of my face, so the 3d experience isn’t wasted.
PIERCINGS
I don’t have any piercings of any kind, but i did get a little bit of metal in my eye once. That bloody hurt.If you do decide to get your tongue pierced, be extremely careful at weddings not to eat any cakes decorated with those little silver balls, as you may become confused and bite your tongue.
NECK
Scarves are cool. 
Funky man-necklaces are cool, but generally overpriced, but then again, someone has to go and get all those shark teeth. It’s probably one guy. Called Mitch. He has one eye.
Any sort of chain round the neck is a no-no, unless you happen to be a scary, yet lovable man from the 80s with a dislike of plane travel, a habit of pitying foos and of talking about oneself in the third person.

VESTS
I don’t like wearing vests, but i’ve never thwarted terrorists at Christmas time, so what do I know.

T-SHIRTS
Tshirts are all good, especially with a witty, yet obscure reference that only you understand (eg. http://www.cafepress.co.uk/fudgecrumpet ) although avoid wearing t-shirts with any characters from 80s tv shows that have recently been remade, as having a near-identical top to a 7-year-old is rarely fun.
SHIRTS
Shirts are all good, try not to wear a shirt with poppers instead of buttons, as once people realise that you are wearing such an item, they will regularly, and annoyingly rip your shirt open, usually in public places.
JUMPERS & CARDIGANS
I am a fan of a good jumper, and i prefer them plain in grey or black. Patterned jumpers do give off an air of unwanted Christmas present, but can be good if you need to disguise yourself as a vicar.Cardigans, whilst not very cool, are in fact excellent for keeping your arms, sides and back warm, whilst leaving your chest and belly free to do whatever it is they do.I prefer a nice zippy cardigan, but only because losing buttons is one of the things I do too much of.

PANTS
Never designate a pair of pants as ‘lucky pants’ as these will almost always be in the wash or covered in skidders when you actually need to get lucky, and will therefore jinx the rest of your pants into being ‘slightly less lucky’ pants. Instead, use Lynx Africa deodorant on a normal set of pants. Women can’t resist Lynx Africa, and any that say they can resist it either have a cold or some sort of bonkers mental thing that makes them wrong.

TROUSERS
Jeans are good
Combats are good (but not in camoflague, as thinking your legs are invisible is not going to make your day more fun)
Fancy posh trousers are only for weddings, funerals, guaranteed nights of sex.
Trakky Bottoms are good for staying in playing playstation, good for exercising, bad for anything that involves interacting with human beings.

SOCKS
…can be worn for up to five days at a time, as long as they are kept dry and are bland in their design (so no-one goes ‘hey, you were wearing those dayglo Ulysees 31 socks yesterday’). Anyone who says otherwise either has OCD or a wife.

SHOES
Anything is good, except flip flops. Because when your flip flops are wet, they fart. Farting shoes are stupid. You’re stupid. Dry your feet.

COATS
wear a coat, it’s bloody cold out.

WATCHES Everyone uses their phone to tell the time, so now is the time to BRING BACK EDIBLE SWEETY WATCHES, now everyone has a free wrist.

SPACESUITS
Try not to wear a spacesuit, unless you are in space, or in a zero gravity simulator pool. It’s warm, you’ll smell really bad and you’ll have to pee yourself.

And that’s it. There’s probably more wisdom i could impart but i’m hungry and i want a sandwich. Why don’t you have a sandwich too? I recommend the spam and beans with red sauce. Go on, you deserve it.