Archive for the ‘porn’ Category

So, Twitter is under attack from a rampant wave of horny spambots. What should we do about them? Bitch and whine? Be all grumpy and ask twitter to get rid of them? Or take the piss in a useful way…

Yeah, I went for that option. So, without further ado, I present BOT TRUMPS!
(On a serious note, you can use the cards to quickly identify the spam bots when they pop up on your follower list, if the garbled name and claims of slagginess aren’t dead giveaways)

So, print them off, ideally onto some stiff card or if you’re fancy onto paper then laminate them.
Usual trumpy card rules apply, split the deck between however many of you there are, first person names a category, whoever has the highest score wins that round of cards. Oh for fucks sake, if you can’t play this game using whatever rules you learned as a kid, then you don’t deserve to play.

I look forward to seeing all your messages saying how much fun you had playing, or how by playing strip-bot trumps you ended up getting a damn good soapy titwank from your next door neighbour.

(Right then, Copyright nonsense. If I’ve trod on any legal shoes making these Bot Trumps, or using unauthorised pics or whatever, and you’re pissed off, let me know and I’ll remove stuff. Cheers)

Suppose I should have mentioned this sooner, but I have written a book. Well, I say ‘written’, I mean I’ve been through this blog, copying and pasting the juicy good stuff, neglecting the self-indulgent shit, shoving it all together into a fancy bit of ebook.
It’s been up on amazon (search ‘fudgecrumpet’ and it’s the only result, which is cool) for just about two weeks, and after a brief spell in the bestselling kindle book chart (#96 for just over an hour, making it briefly more successful than Comedy Dave from Radio One) it now dwells around #11,000. But I suppose that ain’t half bad considering I’ve self published and that.
Oh, regarding that, a fair few folk asked how to go down the self publishing on amazon route, you can find all the info, free apps for conversion and that at http://kdp.amazon.com .
So, yeah, I’m currently indulging in some nagging of twitter celebrities, which no doubt will have no effect. Which is annoying, as I need to sell at least another 240ish books before Amazon will send me a royalty cheque. y’know what, you’ve read this, maybe you could nag your friends to buy it. I’m not going to ask you to buy it though, you’ve already put enough effort in reading this bumph. Just tell your mates that it is awesome, promise them blowjobs and that if they buy the thing. Obviously don’t promise to perform the act yourself though, perhaps help them to find a slag in a nightclub. Or, if they’re a girl, promise them shoes. Shoes are like blowjobs for women.

And so, yeah, right, that was a bloody rubbish advert for my book, wasn’t it. Sorry. I can assure you it is good. Really.

Here’s a link if you find the “search amazon for ‘fudgecrumpet’ too bloody complicated. Or you’re just skimming this post and not really paying attention…

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B006R0EF8K?ie=UTF8&force-full-site=1

PS. Reading my old blog posts instead of buying the book counts as cheating. Fortunately, nobody has worked this out yet. Don’t tell them or I’ll never sell another pissing thing.